Virginity And Sex An Emotional Guide For First Time Intimate Sexual Lovers

I have written lots of articles dealing with intimacy and sex for experienced and advanced sexual lovers.

And this article is for the "first time" sexual lover who is choosing to experience sex. 

Now for my regular readers of "Intimate Communion" who are experienced lovers.

I will be honest, in that this article will not be of any use to you in learning anything "new" sexually.

Although for those of you that have young adult sons and daughters.

I would like to think this article will be of help and an aid to you in discussing "first time sex" with your young adults.

I do not cover the "physical" aspects of sex in this article as I have written plenty of articles covering physical sex.

This article is intended to be as an informative guide to the "intimate emotional" aspects of sex for first time lovers.

First Time Sex! 

There are lot's of myths and beliefs that abound about sex.

And it is hard for many young men and women (and older men and women too) to work out what is true, or what information you need to make a decision about becoming sexually active for the first time.

It is OK to feel excited or anxious when thinking about losing your virginity. 

Just remember that there is no right or wrong time to become sexually active-it and it varies for each man or woman. 

It might take time to decide what is right for you.

Being sexually active can mean different things to different people, and can include different activities with partners that are the opposite sex, the same sex, or both. 

Sex is about giving and receiving pleasure in a way that is comfortable and intimate for both partners.

When men and women talk about the "first time," they usually mean the first time you have full intercourse. 

And that is what people mean by "losing your virginity."

It can also mean for you the first kiss, or the first time you masturbate someone or someone masturbates you. 

Or the first time with your new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Whatever first time it is, it is something you will never forget. 

It is exciting and special. 

That is why it is important to make sure it is a really pleasurable experience.

Am I ready for sex?

You might choose to become sexually active for a variety of reasons. 

You might...

  • Think it could be fun.
  • Feel like you’re in love.
  • Think it feels good.
  • Take it as a sign of commitment.
  • Feel emotionally ready.
  • Feel informed, and like you have thought it through.
  • Feel prepared and ready to practice safe sex.
  • Be curious and want to experiment.
  • Think all your friends are doing it.
There might be several reasons why you choose not to have sex. 

You might...

  • Not feel ready or comfortable yet.
  • Not think you have found the right person.
  • Have religious or cultural reasons.
  • Feel more anxious than excited.
  • Not have condoms or dams on hand to practice safe sex.
  • Not want to respond to pressure from your friends or partner.
  • Be too young legally. Check out the laws on age of consent in your country for more information.
  • Feel you don’t have to prove yourself by having sex.
It is really important that you feel like you are able to talk to your partner about how you feel and any worries you have about having sex and using contraception. 

It can be weird and embarrassing to have this sort of conversation, and if you are not comfortable enough to talk about it, then maybe you are not ready to have sex.

Choosing to have sex

If you are thinking of having sex, or being intimate (doing any sexual stuff), it is up to you to decide when the time is right. 

Whether it is your first time or you had a sexual experience before, it is natural to wonder whether you are ready to have sex with a potential lover, or whether you want to continue having sex with him or her. 

You can ask yourself these questions to help you decide...

1) Am I doing this because I want to?

Is this your decision, or are you thinking about having sex because someone else wants you to? 

Maybe you are not sure you are ready, but your partner is keen? 

Or perhaps there is a case of "peer pressure" - all your friends seem to be having sex, so you feel you should be too?

Remember that if you do decide to have sex, it is completely fine to stop at any point, or not to do it again if you do not want to.

Do any of the following sound familiar? -

  • “You would if you loved me!”
  • "But you did it before with someone else!"
  • “Everyone else is doing it!”
  • "You were willing before, what changed?"
  • “Don’t you want to make our relationship stronger?”
  • “You’ll have to do it sometime - why not now, with me?”
  • “I'll be gentle, and it'll be really great, I promise!”
  • “I'll only put it in for a second...”
If you recognize any of these phrases, then you should think carefully! 

These are not the right reasons to have sex. 

A partner who says things like this is probably trying to put pressure on you and might not really care whether you are ready or not - this person does not respect your feelings, and they are probably not the right person to have sex with.

Nor should you have sex just because your friends are saying things like...

  • “You mean you’ve never done it?!?”
  • “I lost it when I was twelve. . .”
  • “Yeah, I’ve had sex loads of times. . .”
  • “You’re a virgin, you wouldn’t understand. . .”
  • “No-one’ll be interested in you if they hear you’re frigid.”
  • “It's amazing - you don't know what you're missing!”
Many of your friends will only be saying this sort of thing because they think everyone will laugh at them if they admit they have never really done anything!

Besides, being sexually experienced at a young age does not necessarily make someone mature.

2) Do I really know and feel comfortable with my partner?

If you have only just met your partner, or do not really know them, then sex may not be a good experience because there will not be much trust between you. 

Sex can leave you feeling vulnerable afterwards in a way you might not be prepared for. 

Usually, you will have more enjoyable sex with someone you know really well, are comfortable with, and who you can talk to openly about relationships and feelings.

If you do not trust your partner enough not to laugh at you or you do not feel you can tell them whether you have had sex before, then it is far better to wait until you can. 

And if you think yo will have to drink a lot of alcohol before you do it, so you feel relaxed enough, or you only find yourself thinking about having sex when you are drunk, then that suggests you are not ready.

3) Can I talk to my partner about this easily?

Being honest about how you are feeling will make it better for both of you, and will make sex better in the future. 

Sometimes talking about these things can take a little practice, but you need to talk about your worries and concerns and also what you want!

4) Do I know how to have sex safely?

It is really important that you know how to protect against pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted infections or diseases (STIs/STDs). 

Again, this is something you need to talk to your partner about before the event, so you are both okay about what you are going to use. 

It is important to get your facts straight as well, a girl can get pregnant the first time she has sex! 

5) Do you both want to do this?

You may decide that you are ready to have sex, or ready to do something sexual, but it might be that your partner is not, even if they have had sexual partners before. 

For sex to work, you both have to be willing to do it. 

Do not ever pressure anyone to have sex if they are not sure - this could be termed as "sexual abuse" or even "rape," and it will cost you your partner’s respect and the respect of other people.

Also - there is a fine line between pressuring someone to have sex and forcing someone to have sex - if you put too much pressure on someone, it can become force - and if you force someone into sex, you can be prosecuted for rape. 

Sex has to be consenting from beginning to end - if your partner changes their mind half way through and you keep having sex with them, this is assault.

6) Does sex fit in with my/their personal beliefs?

All over the world, and probably even just on the street that you live on, people have really different attitudes to sex. 

For some people sexual feelings are bound up with love and close relationships. 

Some people think sexual intercourse should only happen within marriage. 

For other people sex and love are two different things. 

Your views on sex could be informed by your faith, beliefs or religion.

You may have a different attitude to sex than that of your family. 

Even if everything goes well, keeping sex (and all the emotions that go with it) a secret can be very hard - so, if possible, you should make sure you have someone else to talk to that you trust. 

But remember, the decision to have sex should be an agreement between you and your partner, and while other people may help or influence your decision, they should not make it for you.

7) Is it legal?

The age of consent differs between countries. 

In most states of the USA, for instance, it ranges between 16 and 18. 

In the UK it is 16, in Spain it is 13 and in Bahrain, sex is illegal unless you are married. 

So why do countries have a legal age for having sex? 

Because this is the age when the government thinks young people are mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with having sex. 

All too often people think they are ready when they are not. 

Age of consent laws are also designed to prevent older people from taking advantage of children and young teenagers who may not understand the consequences of having sex, or even what sex is.

8) Do I know enough about sex?

It is natural to feel a little embarrassed and awkward both the first time, and afterwards, when you have sex. 

But it is more important to feel good and trust your partner, than to know a lot about how to do it. 

Do not worry if your first time does not go completely smoothly, so long as you and your partner are comfortable with each other you can practice together.

However, if you are feeling worried because you do not know enough about good relationships, your body and protecting yourself against STIs and pregnancy then make sure you get knowledgeable first!

Some facts about your first time.

You might have a lot of questions about what your first time will be like. 

It is not always easy to find the answers you need. 

Here are some common myths that people believe about sex-and the facts.

MYTH: You cannot get pregnant or sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) the first time.

FACT: Yes you can! 

When thinking about being sexually active, you need to consider protecting yourself against pregnancy and STDs by practicing safe sex. 

Using protection like condoms and dams will not necessarily make sex less enjoyable. 

The important thing is to be safe. 

To find out more about practicing safer sex.

Click on this link...How to Have Safer Sex

MYTH: First time sex will hurt.

FACT: For some people, the first time can be pleasurable, comfortable and fun.

For others, first-time sex does feel uncomfortable-it could even hurt. 

Pain during sex could mean you do not have enough lubrication or need to try a different position. 

It could also mean your partner is going too fast or using too much pressure, or that you are nervous. 

It could be a combination of all of these. 

If it is hurting, stop and talk to your partner. 

Try some more lubrication or a different position, or ask your partner to go slowly. 

If it is still hurting, stop. 

Sex should not be painful. 

It is important to talk to your partner about these issues and work out ways to make sex more comfortable.

Sometimes there might be some bleeding for girls during their first time. 

This should not last long. 

If pain or bleeding continues, it is important to talk to a doctor or nurse.

MYTH: The first time will be perfect.

FACT: TV and movies often glamorize the first time, which might give you unrealistic expectations about what it is really like. 

It is O.K. if your first time is not perfect. 

It is not uncommon to feel awkward or self-conscious about your body or sex. 

And sometimes unexpected things happen when having sex for the first time, so it is good to feel comfortable enough to talk about it with your partner.

What happens after I have sex?

After you have sex, especially if it is your first time, you might experience a whole lot of emotional feelings-some good and some confusing. 

For example, you might feel worried or guilty, or sex could enhance your feelings of affection for your partner. 

If you are having trouble dealing with these issues yourself, you might want to talk with your partner, or with other people you can trust, like friends, family members or a sex coach like myself or other mental health professional.

Ten Top Tips For First Time Sex!

1. Start when you feel ready.

There is only one person who can decide if you are ready to have sex for the first time: you. 

Listen to your own feelings and do not let yourself be talked into anything.

On average people have intercourse for the first time when they are 17 years old.

2. Do it with someone you trust.

Do it with someone you feel relaxed with. 

Take time for each other, say sweet or exciting things to each other. 

You will increase the chance that the first time will feel good to both of you.

Curious about the places that feel nice? 

Discover your own and your partner’s sensitive places! 

Feel comfortable to explore the boy's body. 

Feel comfortable to explore the girl's body.

3. Choose a nice place

Do it in a place you feel comfortable and where you will not be disturbed. 

Make a nice atmosphere, perhaps with music and candles.

4. Build up slowly

You do not have to do everything straight away. 

Build up the excitement slowly, so you both get aroused. 

When a girl get’s sexually aroused, her vagina becomes moist. 

This is important, because otherwise intercourse would hurt for her.

For three-quarters of all young people the voyage of sexual discovery goes in this order..,

First kiss, caressing under clothes, masturbating each other, making love naked, and finally intercourse.

5. Listen to your feelings

Once you have started, you might realize that you actually do not want to do it. 

Do not ignore your feelings. 

You can always stop, whatever the other person says. 

Do things at your own pace. 

Be clear. 

If you say "no" and at the same time keep kissing and caressing, your partner will not be able to tell what you really want.

6. Pay attention to your partner

You do not have sex just for yourself. 

You have sex together. 

So pay attention to your partner. 

Is he or she enjoying it? 

Ask. 

Is he or she nervous? 

Try to reassure your partner by saying loving things. 

Does your partner feel insecure about you seeing him or her naked? 

Give compliments. 

Can you tell your partner does not want to go any further? 

Respect his or her feelings. 

You can really enjoy making love without having intercourse.

7. Talk to each other

The first time you probably will not know quite what you should do. 

Pay attention to the way your partner responds. 

Does your partner moan? 

Does he or she guide your hand to a particular place? 

These are signs that you are heading in the right direction! 

Sometimes the signals are not so clear. 

So talk to each other about what you would like to try or not. 

Many people find talking about it really arousing too.

8. Use a condom

Always use a condom. 

That way you not only prevent unwanted pregnancy but also protect against sexually transmitted diseases. 

The pill only stops the girl from getting pregnant.

Accidents with condoms are nearly always the result of using them wrongly. 

So read the instructions carefully and use one to practice. 

Boys can practice on themselves, girls can practice by putting a condom on a banana, for example.

9. Do not pretend to have an orgasm

There is no rule to say you have to have an orgasm. 

Do not pretend to have an orgasm. 

It is not fair to your partner. 

As making love without having an orgasm can also be a wonderful experience.

10. It is OK to laugh

The first time you will probably both be a bit nervous. 

You want everything to be perfect and the first time to be amazing. 

So you might both be a bit tense and serious. 

Try to keep the mood light. 

Humour and sex are a perfectly good mix!

If you would like to know more about "first time sex?"

Please do Contact me.

Making "sexual love" for the first time is to be a "special" experience!

As always leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love, Passion and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce


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