The "Single Woman's Rant." Why you keep messing up your
"Dating" & "Relationship" life with Men.


“The fault lies, Dear Brutus, not in our stars but in ourselves.” - William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

“I don’t get it,” Sarah began. “I’m pretty, I’m funny, and I’m educated! Why is it that less attractive, less intelligent, less interesting women are getting married every day. It’s not fair! It makes no sense!”

Oh boy, here we go again...

Single women give me the, “Here’s the reasons the laws of the Universe must need tweaking since I’m still not married,” speech all the time. 

I have heard it so many times, in fact, and I am so familiar with it as a relationship coach - where it comes from and how it holds women back - that I have put a name to it:

“The Single Woman’s Rant.”

And, honestly, every time I hear it it’s all I can do to not laugh. 

Not because I am laughing AT the women who are ranting - but because the premise or mindset they are working under rests upon the false belief that love comes if-and-when you are DESERVING of it.

As though it were about MERIT.

As though if you have not “earned” love in the right way, you should expect to suffer.

Wrong!

And sure, I get that while the idea of earning or deserving love might sound noble or romantic, and that it can make the people who operate under this false belief feel somehow personally “justified”... it is also both laughable and harmful if you stop to think about it.

Here is why...

Under this same twisted logic is a woman who is less beautiful, less humorous, and less educated therefore LESS DESERVING of true love?

Of course not! 

Look around  and you do not need me to tell you that life is not fair, and very little about it is a meritocracy. 

“But I eat well, I work out, and I vote,” Sarah’s litany continued, the veins in her neck bulging and a lovely shade of eggplant. 

“I have a nice house, great friends, and killer clothes. What could possibly be the problem?!”

“Gee, I don’t know – perhaps YOUR Attitude?”

I want to say, referring to her anger, bitterness, and intensity. 

I was exhausted after simply being around her a whole session. 

I could not imagine some poor guy getting through an entire evening with her, let alone a lifetime.

Ok, now here is where it’s going to seem like I am contradicting myself.

What I LIKE about the speech - “The Single Woman’s Rant” - is that it shows that at least Sarah and women like her at least have a clue that WHO THEY ARE as a woman and WHAT THEY DO plays a part in creating their love life.

This is the “will” part of the equation of love, the only part you can control.

But when I ask them one simple question,

“How much time do YOU spend working on yourself to ATTRACT a Great Man beyond the "physical" stuff?"

They typically look at me confused, as though it had not occurred to them they should invest time in finding a man themselves - isn’t it enough that they have all these fabulous qualities and accoutrements?

Isn’t he going to just gallop up to their front door on his trusty white steed and ring their bell?

Isn’t some mystical force going to magically put him on their path?

The reality is I work with so many quality women who are needlessly single, virtually dateless, and unhappy about it. 

And they are right.

They have all the “physical stuff” that many men would want. 

But I quickly recognize the mere handful of reasons they are not having the social and personal lives they could be, and exactly what they can do to change that.

Clearly, their life timing factors into the equation: 

They have not hit a season of love - what I call “The Apple Season,” and it has not been time to be with “Mr. Right” just yet. 

Because the simple fact that although they say they want "A Man" deep down inside they are not ready to be in a "loving relationship with a man!"

But they could be having some fun with other nice and interesting men while they are waiting, giving them valuable practice and lovely memories once they have crossed that bridge and moved on to something more meaningful and long term.

Perhaps their love of their life is around the corner, but the mistakes they are making will bungle things and get in the way when the right man finally does come along.

If you find yourself proclaiming the “Single Woman’s Rant” to anyone who will listen, feeling badly (and mystified!) because you are a great catch but no good men seem to get that, or have feel you will ever find “the one” because you have been so heartbroken by “the many” then here are the four most important reasons you are probably not making the most of your romantic life right now...

The Big Four

There are only about four reasons to blame for the phenomena of a high-caliber woman like you suffering from having a low-caliber personal life...

1) Hiding Out. 

You stay so busy in your career or otherwise, that you remain “the best kept secret in town,” and thus no one man can find you, let alone know you exist.

2) You Hate Dating.

You enjoy going out with men about as much as you enjoy having your teeth cleaned and are increasingly alarmed at your single status (see “Single Woman’s Rant” above...) which, in turn, makes your experiences with romantic candidates NO FUN and makes YOU NO FUN, either!

3) Confusing Chemistry For More – (This is the most common reason of all!). 

Your attention is not focused on meeting, attracting, and only selecting the kind of man who would actually be capable and willing to fulfil your romantic vision – i.e., you have a “picker” problem – always picking Mr. Wrong. 

This typically involves dating and bonding with the kind of guy who makes you feel good in the moment, but not over the LONG TERM.

4) The Curse of "THE SOUL MATE" 

How as a Man I hate this one. 

Woman have this fancy that out there somewhere is their "Soul mate!" 

Well I have news for you women. 

Anyone can be YOUR Soul Mate. 

But you have to be open to the idea. 

That a Man is just a Man........A Human Being! 

Who has all the same issues in life as YOU DO!

The deepest of "Intimacy" between "Lovers" comes when both can open their "Hearts to Love" and TRUST fearlessly.

There is NO "Magic Soul Mate" who is just going to turn up and make your life all "magical" that is the stuff of Hollywood, romance novels. and fairy tails!" 

Life is not like that. 

I have seen so many a really Good Man with Great Qualities get tossed away from a Woman's life. 

Because he did not fit into this stupid fancy of "The Soul Mate."

I have never been a "Soul Mate" myself to any woman.

As soon as I get a woman coming out with the "Soul Mate" stuff.

RED FLAGS are weaving like semaphore.

The woman is not actually seeing me as a "real" man.

But as some "fantasy" in her head.

I am going to shout this one "GET REAL LADIES. THERE IS NO "MAGIC" SOUL MATE!" take a "reality check" and see us Guys as we really are. 

Living, thinking, breathing, passionate, and YES...Loving Human Beings who are not PERFECT and mess up at times! 

Who contary to popular myth would love to have ONE GREAT WOMAN in our lives to share with.

Do you see us guys going around looking for a "Soul Mate?"

Do you Ladies?

A "Soul Mate" is one you make a "relationship and life" with. 

They do not come pre-packaged!

And I will be honest here. 

As a Man when I start seeing a woman and she starts talking about "Soul Mates" that is a BIG Red Flag for Me.

For I have learnt from personal experience and that of many other Men! 

Me and my brothers are doomed as real live flesh and blood men against the "Myth" of the "Soul Mate."

So a piece of "practical" advice ladies.

When you are out with a man. 

See him as the Man he really is. 

He could be the right man for You.

Dump the "myth" and see the MAN!

Instead, you take the man who makes you feelat the very least something special.

Though THE BIG FOUR seem simple, the reasons that underlie them are many and multi-layered. 

The man of your dreams was not born with your phone number inscribed on his forehead.

And have fun – dating is great, so enjoy yourself.

When you  just focus on the superficial aspects of your lack of romance and do not address what is really going on - your fears or subconscious blocks, don’t help you get any closer to what you say you supposedly want.

These underlying issues of The Big Four all fall under the topic of “Getting Your Mind Right” before you are ready for love. 

“Getting your mind right” can be done several ways, but MUST, MUST, MUST be done before you even attempt to find THE ONE.
 
Is Your Life A Soup Kitchen Or A Banquet?

The first issue you must explore to “get your mind right” is at the very foundation of your entire romantic outlook and, therefore, has an enormous impact on it. 

It really does affect every aspect of how you behave around men, communicate with men you are involved with, and respond to every interaction you have with them. 

It is essentially the UMBRELLA issue that impacts absolutely everything else.

SERIOUSLY - I mean EVERYTHING.

What is this HUGE thing, you ask?

It is your core relationship perspective.

One of the most important things needed to be successful at anything in life is your perspective. 

If your perspective is one of lack (what I call the poverty mindset.)

You think that the good things of life are limited, that there is only so much to go around and the bigger someone else’s supply, the smaller yours - then you are setting yourself up to fail.

If you think, on the other hand, in terms of "abundance" - that there is enough to go around and the more love, wealth, health or opportunity you have, the more you can share with others and vice verse, you will enjoy far more success.

Here is why...

When you are focused on lack and limitation in love, seeing the world of men as a soup kitchen in which you are fortunate to get any dry, tasteless crumbs or mushy stew (translation: JERKS, LOSERS, MEN ALREADY MARRIED OR INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE, MEN WHO LIE OR CHEAT, MEN WHO TREAT YOU POORLY, MEN WHO FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY, ETC.) to just barely keep you alive after the humiliation of waiting in line with other poverty thinking women for hours in the cold, then you will hungrily grab at the wrong relationships and will not have the strength to wait for the right one. 

Or, having burned your lips on scalding soup in the past, you will avoid relationships all together.

But, if you KNEW that life was a gorgeous banquet, that within just a few feet of you were glorious, abundant spreads of your favourite delicacies to nourish you and keep you happy (i.e. GREAT, LOVING, EVOLVED, HOT MEN WHO WILL ADORE YOU!), that you could have anything you wanted and as much as you wanted, and so could everyone else, then you would easily say no to any unhealthy situations and wait for the next snazzy waiter carrying a silver tray laden with some sort of scrumptious delicacy (i.e., GREAT MAN) to approach, knowing that on that tray would be exactly the guy you want.

Are You A Soup Kitchen Girl?

At this point you may be saying to yourself, “Huh? I don’t get it Ange.... Why are you talking about food? Is this not this supposed to help me with my love life? I’m confused...”

Let me tell you a story of a client of mine to illustrate what a disaster it can be if your perspective is one of lack in the area of love - if you find yourself thinking that there “are not any good men left, and if there are, they would not want me,” then here is what can happen:

A lovely woman named Dee called me for Coaching. 

She had been seeing her “boyfriend” Marc for five years - except she was not allowed to tell anyone he was her boyfriend. 

You see, Marc insisted their relationship be a secret, and also insisted regularly that he was never going to marry her.

He was not married to anyone else, so it seemed strange to Dee that she could not tell anyone about the time they spent together, yet Marc was adamant. 

So, for five long, agonizing years she had been regularly seeing Marc and sleeping with him as though they had slipped into a secret, parallel universe, in which no one else existed.

I listened to Dee’s story heavy-hearted. I could have given her a “psychology” diagnosis of what was going on, telling her that she had low self-esteem and that by waiting and hoping for Marc to change she was living in a fantasy, that he was clearly unavailable ,and was never going to marry her, let alone be her real boyfriend, and that perhaps she was playing out aspects of her parent’s relationship to each other or to her, blah, blah, blah...

Instead, I said, “Oh, you have a perspective problem.”

“What?”

“You don’t trust you can have more than this or that more than this exists.”

“Wow,” said Dee, as though hearing this answer for the very first time. “You’re right.”

Clearly, Dee is with the wrong man - I knew that without even consulting her history.

How did I know?

A man is wrong for any woman if he DOES NOT WANT HER!

Invited her to be an ACTIVE PART OF HIS LIFE!

And IS NOT ADORING HER!

And there is NOTHING a woman can do to change that situation.

Dee had accepted the situation due to her "poverty mindset" and had become the "secret friend with benefits."

And as much as she "hoped" he would change.

Why should he change?

The situation as it was suited him to a tee.

Let me say this so you will understand and grasp it for your own love life. 

The wrong man is ANY MAN WHO DOES NOT WANT YOU OR TREAT YOU WELL!

And Marc did not want Dee - at least not enough to tell anyone else he wanted her. 

So, for Dee to give him all her time, attention, sex, and exclusivity for years and years was a very bad way to try to get her needs met.

But obviously, she thought deep down that if she dropped him like a rock (which was what I wanted her to do!) she would not get her needs met anywhere else, either. 

She thought that at least he was satisfying some of her needs (companionship, fun, friendship), though certainly not her primary ones. 

HIS primary needs were being met regularly (attention, loyalty, sex), while she was left waiting, waiting, waiting for him to change.

The Dee's of the world do not need any dating advice, they need THERAPY!

And fortunately for Dee, I am also a Counsellor as well as a Coach.

Figuring out the roots of this “I’ll accept and be ever available to a man who won’t introduce me to anyone in his life FOR FIVE YEARS” perspective and how to change it can require a great deal of ongoing support. 

But women like Dee are hoping that I can look at the life of a man like Marc and tell them when he is going to come under the influence of some incredibly powerful magical force that will turn him into a new man.

But Dee does not need some new "mystical" version of Marc, she needs a different perspective of her self as a WOMAN!

There is no reason to be in a “soup kitchen” relationship. 

To think there are not any good men in the world requires that you be in complete, utter denial of statistical reality.

I will say this to you.

“There are over six billion men and women on the planet and yet so many men and women live in scarcity. 

Finding "the one" is not a finding problem, it’s a sorting problem. 

Quit trying to find him and get busy sorting!

But here is the challenge... 

It is awfully hard to let go of the wrong guy if you do not "think" there is a right guy...

So how can a woman like Dee change her own perspective for the better, and thus change her path in love? (By the way, if you’re thinking she’s an extreme case, I sadly disagree - I WOULD like the dynamics of her so-called relationship were rare and unique, but there are TONS of Dee's in chronically miserable entanglements with the wrong men everywhere the world over. My e mail "inbox" and personal experience can attest to that.)

Fortunately, there are a few life and love-changing ways that ANY woman, no matter how unhappy with a dysfunctional relationship for no matter how long, can transform her perspective, and thus, her LIFE. 

The Mastermind Group
 
I am a big fan of the “Mastermind Principle,” first written about in the classic self-help book, "Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill." 

He explains that a mastermind group involves gathering together with others working on the same goals for mutual support, brain-storming, and the sharing of resources and contacts. 

I have seen virtually supernatural progress in the participants of small, focused groups in which all of the members assist one another in creating more of what they want in their lives.

Participants typically discuss their desires and dreams with one another, come up with strategies, write down their goals, create “vision boards” on which they paste pictures from magazines of things they want (like beautiful homes, jewelry or exotic travel destinations, and yes – even GREAT GUYS), and offer each other ongoing cheerleading. 

These kinds of supportive activities done in a group setting are literally like magic in the lives of each person.

The reasons this works are obvious...

Affirming what you want to others makes you accountable to them, giving you more motivation than you would have on your own. 

You may be good at letting yourself down, but you do not want to let them down, too. 

Having help from others enables you to stay on track and not give in to the temptation to give up or forget your commitment to yourself (which is why in romantic stories, the heroine always has the assistance of a “fairy godmother” or army of small, singing forest animals). 

It is also much harder to be in denial about your life when you are reporting to a group of people who are so dedicated to your growth that they will call you on your limiting thinking.

Stuff that you could easily sweep under the rug when you are by yourself is harder to avoid when you have a committee of concerned “support staff” noticing and pointing out what you are doing. 

And seeing others have breakthroughs and positive changes allows you to think that they are also in reach for you, enabling you to be bolder and more proactive.

If you are more shy and introverted and do not want to create or join a group, then even just having a “love buddy”, 
someone you meet or talk with regularly can provide invaluable support to your achieving your romantic objectives. 
 
Recruit A Romantic Mentor

Think of the most successful man or woman you know in the area of love - the one who is the envy of all of their friends, treated well by all the men and women in their life, worshipped by her boyfriend, husband, girlfriend or wife and followed around as if they has a secret, a special pheromone men and women can smell above everyone else’s.

They never have a lonely Saturday night in front of “The Antique Road Show,” hoping the phone would ring.

It may seem like they are blessed by genetic's - born prettier, more confident, or with a better sense of style than everyone else, but I guarantee you that is not why they are successful. 

Call them up and ask for them to mentor you. 

Tell them what you have observed them to be in matters of the heart and passion and that you wish to know their secrets.

These men and women know something you don’t  - I Know! 

And they love sharing their experience and wisdom.

You may not know a man or woman like this as, sadly, there are not very many of them and the ones that are around are busy being adored. 

They spend their days busy building Great Lives for themselves and thus may not have enough time to devote to you and your misery.

You can still find a fabulous mentor though. 

One who has Great experience in Dating, Romance, Passion and Relationships.

A "Professional." 

You just have to pay them.

That’s right – HIRE A  COACH. 

There are many wonderful, skilled Men and Women who have made it their life’s work to help guide a woman (and men) such as you. 

There is no blame or shame in asking for help. 

Changing a lifetime of bad habits and self-sabotaging behaviors with men is not going to be easy and may not be possible all on your lonesome.

And a "Professional" is there for "YOU!" 

To help You build a Great Life and Loving Relationships.

Laying Cable (The Science)

If you would prefer to turn your perspective around without aid and think that you can, there are several solutions to employ. 

One of them is to focus on cleaning up your “stinking thinking.”

This is critical for any woman pursuing any of other “perspective enhancement” strategies anyway, because the way you think is literally the foundation of the way you behave; the confidence you feel in meeting others, and how you carry yourself.

It is quite literally the “key to the kingdom” of making your dreams come true, or all your nightmares never ending...

Here is how it works to determine your romantic destiny...

If you’re thinking along “soup kitchen” lines - that you are never going to find anyone or that all men are jerks, then your thoughts will determine your actions which will create your results, et voila!

You will stay alone or attract yet another jerk.

Many philosophers talk about this phenomena in a way that many people cannot relate to, saying that “the Universe rearranges itself” to send you experiences that mirror your thoughts, as if those thoughts literally reach out of your skull and alter time and space.

While that may be true for people who think that (I don’t know because I’ve never seen an actual thought burst through someone’s noggin.) 

Although I do give credibility to this line of "thinking"

"You wear your thoughts like you wear your clothes. Your thinking shows up on your face and in your body language and in your energy. You are projecting joy, success, and prosperity or you are projecting misery, failure, and poverty. People can see it and they can feel it. They respond, consciously and unconsciously, to the thoughts you project.”

Add to this, that the more you think about something the more neural pathways are created dedicated to that thing in your mind. 

This is done by brain cells (or neurons as they are called) firing and then connecting or “wiring” together, causing some scientists to say,

“Neurons that fire together – wire together.”

It is like the brain is a big computer and by thinking of something or someone repeatedly and with powerful emotions, you are literally forming neurological cables in your brain that get deeper, longer, and more connected to other parts of the brain with every thought. 

Pretty soon there are miles and miles of cable for that one topic.

This is why habits (like the soul-crushing habit of dating beliefs) are so hard to break!

Let me use the example of a man you like to illustrate what I’m talking about.

I will call him Jake.

Every time you think about Jake, more and more “Jake” neurons fire and then wire together creating new neural pathways (i.e., cables) solely dedicated to the topic of HIM. 

Every time you see Jake, spend time with Jake, talk to Jake, focus on Jake, make out with Jake, etc. these cables connect with other cabling designated to other things in your brain until the Jake cables literally start taking over, moving and squishing cables for other things, people and habits out of the way.

Pretty soon the neural pathways devoted to Jake have a life of their own - you would swear you are not thinking of him of your own freewill any more.

Your thoughts are acting as though on “autopilot,” causing you to do and say things related to Jake that you don’t even consciously mean or want to (like cleaning his bathroom and kitchen, writing large personal checks made out to him, or ripping off your clothing in his presence without him even helping you unbutton anything... or taking you to dinner first.)

This is why breaking up is so difficult - there are the very real feelings of loss, but then there is the reality that, depending on how long the relationship, you have a lot of miles of cable dedicated to that guy. 

Thinking of him has become a habit with a power supply all its own! 

It makes it very hard to stay away even if you consciously know without a doubt that you are better off without him. 

To your dismay, you will think of him without even trying to.

But do not despair  - put down that mop, rip up that check, put your clothes back on and pay attention! 

Because you can “refire” and “rewire” your cables. 

YOU got your brain all in a doomed love tangle, and only YOU can untangle it.

There are two ways to intercept your thoughts and create new, positive, “this is the stuff I want” cabling! 

If you are obsessed with someone wrong or unavailable like an old boyfriend who treated you badly, or a married man you cannot stop thinking about, or any other somehow inappropriate love candidate, you MUST do these “brain interventions” to become romantically free again.

1) Every time you notice yourself thinking of the man you are trying to let go of, visualize him doing something repulsive - like sitting in his underwear watching football, burping loudly and barking orders at you. 

Something along the lines of, “Hey you - Where’s my pizza?!”

If that is not strong enough, envision him kicking your dog, cutting up your favourite outfit with gardening shears, or throwing your cat through a closed window.

Pretty soon he won’t seem so wonderful any more.

2) Every time you catch yourself remembering him wistfully, grab yourself by the shoulders, throw ice cold water on your face, and say to yourself,  “Stop this at ONCE! I will no longer indulge a pathetic fantasy that’s keeping me stuck, miserable, and alone. I have a fabulous new future I am stepping into - one in which I am loved and honoured.”

And then picture what you want. 

See yourself with the kind of relationship you desire with someone that treats you well - while you are at it (hey, this is the only life you have got and a well-wired brain can do amazing things - go for it!).
 
Watch your thoughts! 

If you are always thinking, “I never get any attention. I’m always going to be alone. I’m too old and no one will ever want me now,” you will behave that way - more importantly, you will only notice opportunities in the world that match your thoughts (it’s sort of like when you have got a crush on a guy who drives a red sports car, and suddenly - everywhere you go all you notice are red sports cars!), and your thoughts will be proved right!

Start challenging your thinking and replacing it with good stuff. 

There are a few minor rules to this, however, that I want to be clear about so you get the maximum "BANG" your efforts.

It’s important to "think" what you want in the present tense, as in, “I now have/am ‘fill-in-the-blank.’” If you say things in a future tense, by saying, “I WILL have ‘fill-in-the-blank”, you will keep whatever it is that you want forever in the future.

Say it, either aloud or silently, every day for at least ten minutes.

Do NOT think about a specific person, unless it is to think something about you in relation to him, like, “I now forgive and release John,” or “I am accepting and valuing John more every day.”

Work by changing YOUR own assumptions, and "understand" you have no power over anyone else’s thinking. 

You also cannot change or control someone else’s thinking and feelings, or make them behave differently; saying, “John loves me,” or “John is going to call,” is NOT going to get John to do anything, instead all you are doing is making ASSUMPTIONS and that will just prove to be a waste of your precious energy.

Do not assume how someone else will change for you or how their destiny will now be linked somehow to yours. 

If it is not meant to be, you do not want to manipulate (get it, MANipulate?) him or his circumstances as it will not last long even if it were to initially seem like it’s working. 

Worst of all, if what you are assuming and manipulating what is not “meant to be” then it will come back and "BITE" you hard!

Perhaps you were going to have something or someone even better!

Get excited and expectant of whatever it is you are thinking. 

Positive emotions and enthusiasm help to keep your thoughts on track and bathe the cells of your body in happy chemicals, making you more attractive to be around, or at the very least happier and healthier while you are enjoying being single.

When all of your brain’s cables are harmoniously working in concert toward the same goal, it is a beautiful thing to behold.

And there I will leave this article.

There is more than enough to consider and get on with.

It’s Not About Willpower – It’s About Want power

Know what you “Want.”
 
It is only the myths, beliefs and quiet frankly the "crap" that gets in the way so often for both Men and Women that stops both sexes enjoying GREAT RELATIONSHIPS!

And that is what I work for here for both Men and Women.

To get past those myths and beliefs so that both Men and Women can APPRECIATE the GREAT gifts each brings to the other.

As ever...Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love, Passion and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

Would you like to know more of "how" relationship and sex coaching can help you?

To Contact Ange Fonce

To know more about Gender Eduction For Human Relationships


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