The Safest And Most Outrageous Sexing Do You Know It? 

By Ange Fonce 

Please Be Aware The Article Contains Content Of An Intimate Nature!

Sexual fantasy!

You may be afraid to talk about them, yet sexing fantasies is healthy.

And it has one big advantage over sexing reality, you have total control over everything that happens. You will not be humiliated or suffer at the hands of a brutish lover unless, of course, that is what you want.

Consider the possibilities.

Your fantasy partner can be a celebrity, the man who works down the hall, or your best friend's mate. You enjoy complete choice of venue: a tropical island, an elevator, a tree swing. And the activity in question can range from romantic, longing glances to sexing gymnastics that would strain a circus contortionist.

So perhaps the most surprising fact about your fantasies is this...

The sexing scenario you most often imagine is the ordinary, non-kinky intercourse with a past or current lover. Despite the potential for limitless freedom, your fantasies generally stay firmly tethered to reality.
Do not worry if you assumed most fantasies were a bit more risque. Even in today's tell-all culture, sexing fantasies remain one of the last taboos, something that people simply do not discuss.We tell each other almost everything - your sexing habits, who you lust for, how much money you make. And yet, do not know the sexing fantasies of your closest friends or even your lover?

We regard fantasies as too revealing. They are treasured possessions, yet so many men and women are ashamed of them.

Even psychologists long found sexing fantasy vaguely disreputable, ignoring the topic almost entirely for the first half of the century. And since the early 1980's, Science has produced a flurry of new information, and it turns out that a lot of what we thought we knew is wrong.

Imaginary Lovers

The misconceptions about sexing fantasies began with Freud himself.

In 1908 he declared that "a happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one."

Later thinkers embroidered this theme, developing what has become known as the deficiency theory. People still think that fantasies are compensation for lack of sexing opportunity, that if your sexing life was adequate, you would not have to fantasize. Yet the growing body of scientific evidence shows that, if anything, frequent fantasizers are having more than their share of fun in bed. They have sexing more often, engage in a wider variety of erotic activities, have more partners, and masturbate more often than infrequent fantasizers.

The association between fantasies and a healthy sexing life is so strong, in fact, that it is now considered pathological not to have sexing fantasies. And no wonder. Researchers studying sexing fantasies confirm that everyone has them, from adolescence onward. Well, almost everyone... about five percent of men and women say they have never had a sexing fantasy or will not admit to it.

Most adults say they first remember fantasizing between the ages of 11 and 13.

From there they quickly pick up speed.

Sexing fantasies and thoughts are most common in hormone-addled teens and young adults. In one study, researchers asked people at random times during the day whether sexing had crossed their minds during the past five minutes.

Among 14- and 15-year-olds, 57 percent of boys and 42 percent of girls said yes.

Affirmative responses were less common with increasing age... among 56-to 64-year-olds, 19 percent of men and 12 percent of women answered yes.

Once you get beyond age, though, it is hard to predict whether a given person has lots of fantasies. Attempts to identify a "fantasy-prone" type of individual have been woefully unsuccessful. Even religious and political views provide few clues. Conservatives have just as many fantasies as liberals-despite the fact that, according to one study, nearly half of conservative religious people feel sexing fantasies are "morally flawed or unacceptable."

The devout are not the only ones who have mixed feelings.

One in four people feel strong guilt about their fantasies... most of this hand-wringing involves people who feel guilty about fantasizing while making love to their partners. Even among sexually adventurous groups like college students, both women and men said they usually try to repress the feelings associated with fantasy.

Guilt also strikes when fantasy and personal ideology collide. There are people who feel that their sexing fantasies are not a part of them. The CEO of a Fortune 500 company may have masochistic fantasies of being tied to a bed, and he might be perfectly comfortable because he sees that as respite from having to be in control... whereas some feminists are ashamed because they have masochistic fantasies and they feel that the fantasies are contrary to their political beliefs.

Such guilt exacts a heavy toll. Those who fret over their fantasies have sexing less often and enjoy it less, even though the content of their fantasies is no different from those of the guilt-free. And even unusual and what is considered "deviant" fantasies give little reason for concern in healthy individuals.

It is true that we sometimes use fantasies as a springboard for later sexing hijinks, and the path from fantasy to deviance is anything and direct.

Rape fantasies, for instance, are far more common than rapes themselves. And as an extreme example, consider that only 22 percent of child molesters say they had sexing fantasies about kids before their first molestation. So unusual fantasies are a concern only when they become compulsive or exclusive, or for individuals "in whom the barrier between thought and behaviour has been broken."

Exactly why your fantasies differ from those of your friends and lovers is not well understood. Certainly personal experience and the things you see, hear, and read about enter the mix. External stimuli like sexy advertisements or scantily clad passers by, in fact, may be responsible for the off-noted observation that men fantasize more than women. Our favourite internally triggered fantasies probably attain preferred status through classical conditioning, the same process that had Pavlov's dogs drooling at the sound of a bell.

Fantasies that accompany orgasms are particularly reinforced, for instance, making them more arousing next time around. From there, you embellish them, change them, they are like an evolving series... scenarios that do not accompany arousal are discarded. While the most common fantasies involve routine sexing with a past, present, or imaginary partner, that is not to say that you do not occasionally give your fantasy muscles a more strenuous workout. In addition to those decidedly "vanilla" scenarios, most psychologically healthy men and women enjoy 3 other primary flavours of fantasy...

Novel Or Forbidden Fantasies

This includes unconventional settings, questionable partners like strangers or relatives, and ligament-straining positions worthy of the Kama Sutra.  Or as Dr. Seuss once asked (albeit in a somewhat different context)…

"Would you, could you, in a boat? Could you, would you, with a goat?"

Scenes Of Sexual Irresistibility... 

Here the emphasis is on seductive power... overcoming the reluctance of an initially indifferent man or woman through sheer animal magnetism or the irresistibility may take numerical form in fantasies involving multiple partners.

Dominance And Submission Fantasies... 

In these, sexing power is expressed either ritualistically-in sadomasochistic activities-or through physical force, as in rape fantasies.  Such fantasies are surprisingly common. I know from my own personal and profession practice as well as many research projects... that men have had fantasies of dominating a partner and women fantasized about being forced to have sexing, and imagined...

"I'm a slave who must obey a man's every wish."

None of this means, of course, that real-world rape victims "really want it."

Women who find submission fantasies sexually arousing are very clear that they have no wish to be raped in reality. In their fantasies, women control every aspect of what occurs. And their scenarios are far less brutal than real-life attacks.
Typically the fantasy involves an attractive man whose restraint is simply overwhelmed by the woman's attractiveness. These fantasies serve the same psychological purpose as scenes of irresistibility. It is different means to the same end.

We want to be desired. And in our fantasies... We are!

Incidentally, there is little difference in the fantasies of hetero-and-homosexual men and women... except in the gender of participants. It does not take a Ph.D. in rocket science (note the use of a phallic symbol here!) to figure out that the fantasies of men and women differ.

Just look at the fantasy scenarios that publishers push.

Men have Playboy and the likes... big-busted women exposing their attributes, in almost clinical detail, from a variety of angles and positions. For women, on the other hand, there are tales like The Bridges of Madison County and cookie-cutter Harlequin romances. The covers may depict heaving bosoms and Fabio's muscular physique, yet the sexing always comes packaged within an emotional, passionate romance. While all this may change as sexual roles and cultural attitudes change, fantasies still fall along those gender lines.

When I ask men and women to write out in detail three fantasies they had, (in my professional capacity I may add) women were more likely to describe romance and commitment while men mentioned a greater number of sexing acts. Many of the women and only a few of the men... said that while fantasizing they focused on the "personal or emotional characteristics of the partner." 

Men, however, were four times as likely to focus on their fantasy partner's physical characteristics. Sociobiologists argue that these discrepancies represent evolved behavioural differences between men and women. And even if that is true, there are certainly cultural pressures for women not to think about sexing outside of a committed relationship, lest they be labelled a "slut."

The romance/genitalia dichotomy is not the only major differences in male and female fantasies.

Here are some others...

1... Men are more likely to imagine themselves doing something to a woman, and their fantasies focus on her body. Women, on the other hand, tend to envision something being done to them and to concentrate more on their partner's interest in her.

2... Male fantasies more often involve sexing with two or more partners at one time. From my own experience and the research studies, about a third of the men I have worked with had fantasies about sexing with multiple partners-twice the number of women. Men are also more likely to switch partners in mid-fantasy.

3... Both sexes imagine overpowering a partner or being forced to submit to another's wishes. Many men are more likely to have domination fantasies, while women tend to see themselves submitting to a partner's sexing wishes. Many women and not many men said that their favourite fantasy was being forced to have sexing.

4... Men have a greater variety of fantasies. Many men I have worked with tend to have a wide variety of sexing fantasies with many different women, whilst the women I have worked with tend to have less of a variety of sexing fantasies and with certain types of men. And these women's fantasies tend to be far more emotionally deeper and vivid. 

Hence the success of books like "50 Shades Of Gray."

Dream On

There is still a lot to know and understand about sexing fantasies.

Is the frequency and range of fantasies similar in other cultures?

How does the content of fantasies change over one's lifetime?

And what happens when we act on our fantasies?

Does it spoil them-or make them more vivid?

From my own experience... It depends on the nature of the fantasy and who the fantasy is being shared with. I have had some amazing experiences living out some on my own sexing fantasies... while others... hmmmm.

What I do know is proof enough that fantasies are an essential part of our sexing repertoire. Far from being a sign of sexual inadequacy or deprivation, fantasies are associated with a healthy, happy sexing life.

The people who have the most sexual problems fantasize least. Indeed, fantasy's power to arouse us to the point of achieve orgasm solely from sexing thoughts, or "thinking off" - proves that the brain is as potent a sexual organ as one's sexing organs.

And though most erotic thoughts are relatively ordinary, our more imaginative flights allow us to explore our sexuality without risk of physical harm or social rejection. Also there is a growing body of evidence linking "sexing to intelligence."

The higher the level of intelligence... the more we fantasize and the more sexually active we are.

Consider this... Imagining having seing with your current lover is a popular fantasy when you are not engaged in sexing activity with them. While imagining sexing with a new partner is a popular fantasy during intercourse with a current lover. 

Most of us need no further justification for fantasy beyond the fun factor. Sexual fantasy is a natural part of being human. It is pleasurable. So why not fantasize?

And in your own world you can "ravish" and be "ravished" to your own sexing content.

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving... Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Ange is an Dynamic Personal Development Coach who works with those men and women who want to personally develop their confidence, relationships, health and wealth!

To Speak to Ange and arrange a free consultation CLICK HERE

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