Sex And Love Are Two Different Energies
That Can Create DEEP Intimacy 

By Ange Fonce

The challenge for so many “loving” and "committed couples" is in keeping “desire... attraction... passion”... and “presence” in their “sex” lives.

It can feel like your “sex drive” is betraying your “heart”.... you want that you could be consumed with “mad attraction” for the person you “love”... and yet all too often... familiarity actually kills libido... you might even begin to feel shame around the “simple truth” that you are often more “sexually aroused” by “thoughts” of complete strangers than thoughts of the person who is so dear to your heart.

Yet it would naïve... or worse... “self deceptive” to not acknowledge that this is the way humans are built... and in absence of some “intentional action” on your part... this is likely the way your relationships will evolve.

A big part of the problem is that most people define “making love” simply as “sex" with someone you “love”... the danger with that definition is that it assumes that “love” is passively to be enjoyed during “sex”... rather than something that you just DO.

Now if you examine the phrase “making love” you might notice that it is not “grammatically passive”... there is a "powerful action term" in there... “making” is “creating”... perhaps the most demanding of all actions... one can watch... listen... or even walk quite passively... yet “making” or "creating" requires "attention... intention" and "presence."

In my definition... “making love” is in doing the "work" of “relating”... it is being “present” with your “shared desire” rather than being wrapped up in your unconnected "mental" or "emotional" experience... one of the “consequences” of this definition is that it is possible to engage in “profound love making” with a total stranger in a one night stand.

Being “in love” is not required for “making love”... what is required is an “openness” to “love itself” and a willingness to “do love” by being "present"... it is often easier for some individuals to do this with a “relative stranger” than with someone they deeply love and respect... with whom they have shared many of lifes trials and rewards... and with whom they have developed a deep and “trusting” relationship.

So “why” can this “experience” happen with a stranger?

The first is that for a couple who have not “practised” and worked at “doing love” while “making love” throughout their relationship... the path to being “truly present” with each other during “sex” becomes overgrown with all of the accumulated disappointments... minor betrayals... grudges... wrong makings... and resentments of the years living together as partners in the business of life.

Eventually... for many couples... they wake up one day to discover that their life partner is the single most threatening person in the world for them to become “sexually vulnerable... present”... and real with... their partner is the person they are most likely to “feel judged by”... and the person they most “fear judgement from”... there is simply too much at stake.

The second reason is that no human ever really “accurately knows another” in the terms of their “personality”... the person I know myself to be on a daily basis will never be the same person that exists in your mind of who I am.

The longer we "think" we “know” someone... the more “entrenched our version” of “who they are” becomes... we might not be surprised to discover that someone we just met is in fact... very “different” from the way we first “imagined them”... yet our parents... children... siblings and lovers? 

We have built up “strong certainties” that we “know them” as well or even better... than they “know themselves”... and bringing that story into bed with you... in “open and loving acceptance of your partner”... with all of their faults and all of their wonderful qualities… might feel a very great deal like “intimacy.”

Yet I would like to offer a “perspective” that no matter how you bring that story into bed with you... you are actually destroying... “authentic intimacy”... killing the “freshness of attraction”... and erecting “powerful barriers” to experiencing Making Love!

Why do I say this... “familiarity breeds contempt” and you stick to ways you are “comfortable with” and “play it safe”... so in effect... “love making” just becomes  part of the routine... so try this instead...

Do whatever “mental acrobatics” you need to in order to “completely” drop your “knowing” and your “familiarity” of who you “think” your “lover” is and bring yourself back to “presence”... to “seeing” them “new” in the “moment.”

You will become AWARE that it is more “powerful” to be “present” with your “lovers orgasm”... simply at the level of “feeling” and “experience”...or even just to be more present with his cock or her pussy and your own baseline “animal feelings" of arousal for their genitals... than it is to be present with your “lovers personality.”

Sometimes the training wheels necessary to get your “mind” to drop "familiarity" might involve a ”fantasy”… perhaps a fantasy of a “did not even catch your name one night stand”... you close your eyes and then open them again to see this person before you “completely new”... the “truth” of the situation opens for you and you “relate” to them not as “who they are”... as the “root experience” of being “sexually human together.”

Bringing your “self” back to “presence”... seeing your “lover” in the “moment” simply as “they are”... and not as they have ever been before... and then “experiencing” them through “erotic touch” is MAKING LOVE.

At this level... “sex” becomes an entirely “intimate spiritual” endeavour... you are now in the space... not only of “truly making love”... you are “truly making love” with a person you are “in love with”... in this state of “mutual experience”... it is not uncommon to weep “tears of joy" over and over again... each time you “make you love”... because it is not something that never becomes “routine” or “familiar.”

Ultimately... your “commitment” to “doing love” with your partner during “sex” will lead to moments of “deep” and “profound recognition” of Truth itself... your TRUTH... which of course... is the recognition of Love itself... and becoming a Love Maker and a Love Doer!

As always... leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.

Yours Sincerely

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and International Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Psycho Dynamic Counsellor who works with men... and women who desire to develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers from around the World!

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Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are truly Passionate and DYNAMIC Lovers!

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