Relationships Porn And Sex‏ The "Mistakes" Women Make With Men! 

By Ange Fonce

Communication in long term sexual relationships is not just a science... it is an “art”... and the reward for “mastering” it is much more than just a lifetime of "sexual pleasure"... and a lifetime of “sexual pleasure” is a darn good thing... real "communication" between "lovers" builds and deepens "intimacy!"

So what if you are a women in a relationship who wants...

The sex to be better...

The passion and attraction to last longer...

And the intimacy to be deeper and more powerful.

Stress and “non sex issues” are a problem for many couples... one woman who has written to me states...

"He has stress about being the sole bread winner... So he gets scared and withdraws."

Money and career stress in particular can be damaging for a mans “sex drive” because in todays modern culture... many men line up their “success” and ability to make money with their Masculinity... and that is not a “healthy concept” for a man to measure himself by.

For some men this may even drive them to cheat on their relationship in order to make up for their insecurities... other men will simply lose interest in sex.

The “healthy action” is to understand that money and Masculinity are not related... that working hard during the day must be balanced by leaving those stresses behind when you enter the “loving embrace” of your woman... and that is a lot easier said than done for most men!

Your best way to “support him” in this is to see yourself as his escape from the pressures of life.... reassure him with your body and your easy smile that his financial issues are not part of what makes him a Man!

Commiserating and sympathising with his problems feels “compassionate”... yet really it is not... it is really just confirming his “negative thinking” about himself... so do not indulge in it!

Trying to teach him that he should keep his “stressful work life“ out of the bedroom is just making him feel "wrong"... which makes things worse... and is also the shortest path to "killing his attraction“ for you even further... instead of being his “lover”... you become his “nagging bitch!”

Instead... try holding the space for him to “appear” as the very “best version” of himself... act to him as if he were that man... so that there is a big... wide open area in your “emotional life” for him to fill with that best version of himself.

It is like those experiments with teachers that are told that they are teaching a "gifted" class... or told they are teaching a "challenged" class... they end up getting the results they expect.

Empathy... Understand And Sexual Confidence  Are The Really Powerful Tools...

When he is stressed... smile "confidently" and tell him you TRUST him... tell him that it does not matter how it works out because you do not love him for his job or his earning power... and that it is "his love" and you “loving” him... is what makes you happy.

And most of all... SHOW him by not being “stressed” out over it yourself... or by being overly concerned with healing him of his stress and problems... rather be his vacation from his stress and problems by being unworried and without any need to "fix" things.

This will in due course... help restore his pride and "self respect"... which will be very good medicine for him in terms of his ability to succeed more strongly at work as well as in bed!

Here Is Another Big One...

"He has a decades long history of porn and masturbation. (I have no problem with it in general, but in his case it is extreme and influences our being together)... He very much relies on visual stimuli, and us having been together for 2 years they are not as exciting as they were in the beginning."

Another woman writes in about keeping him interested...

"All this to me is a batch of bull shit!! I do everything the right way and he either plays with himself in the bath tub(I saw it in the mirror) or I find sexy whores on the computer..."

Pornography is certainly a big factor in todays relationships... and it is not likely to go away... never in the history of the world has there been this kind of access to anonymously watching sexual acts.

There has been some fairly impressive “sociological research” that says it is not harming society on the whole... yet when it comes to “relationships” it can be harder to figure out what it is or is not doing.

Now I included 2 different emails for this question because I think it is instructive to see that one woman is accepting of her man for who he is and the other is completely rejecting of her man.

If I asked you to figure out which of these women has "great sex" with her man... yet wants it to be more frequent... and which of these women said that she has been laid 3 times in 7 years... could you figure out... who is who?

The second woman... obviously... the one who says she "does everything the right way"... and who also mentioned in her email that she is very attractive and other men hit on her frequently... is the woman who has only had sex 3 times in 7 years.

I am very sorry for her situation... yet since she “thinks” she "does everything the right way"... there is just nothing that I can do to help her... unless she wants to learn about “being herself”... and “exploring” herself and what is “true” for her... instead of focusing on “doing everything the right way.”

One of the greatest obstacle for learning valuable lessons about yourself is... 

"I already know that!"

It is our unexamined “thinking” that we hold to be true... that is the problem... what we “think” to true... is often not “true” at all.

Porn is not the problem in the second woman's relationship... if her husband decided one day that porn was against his religious faith and he never watched a single second of it again... she still would not be getting laid.

In fact... it is safe to say that because of her “judgemental attitude” and her inability to even try to accept her man for who HE ACTUALLY IS... I know she probably “knows” very little about him at all. 

Everything that is “important” in his life is probably a secret from her... what a “loss” for her... because it is so much easier to see the other person as the "problem"... and never ourselves being "the problem"... on the other hand... it can also be all too easy to see yourself as the problem! 

And that is not “healthy” either... many women “think” that if their man looks at other women... that it means she is not attractive enough or that she is not enough in some other way... not true... not ever... I would ask anyone in a relationship to consider that nobody is ever "wrong"... we are all doing the best we can in an imperfect human world.

Better Information And UNDERSTANDING Can Change EVERYTHING...

Just reading this means your intentions are "positive"... and I am encouraging you to KNOW that his intentions are “positive” too... even when he does things that are incredibly hurtful or seem stupid to you... in his head... when he did them... they seemed like the only "choices" he had at the time... why?

Because, as I said above... the problem is our “unexamined thinking” that we hold to be true...

Many couples happily co exist with porn.

Some make the choice to not watch it.

Some make the choice to only watch it together.

Some make the choice that it is no big deal... and for them it is not.

Then there are couples for whom it IS a problem.

For some couples the problem is in fact... that he has got an “addiction issue”... “addiction to watching” is very real... and for men who suffer with it... not only does it kill their relationships...  it can also kill their work productivity and their "self esteem"... there is a lot of shame that goes along with it... like alcohol addiction... those who have got it are not greatly aided by being made into the wrong and bad person... and pretending it is not there is not likely to help either.

The other kind of couple who struggle with “web porn” messing up their relationship are the ones where the partner is “judgemental” and offended...that leads to “shame” and secrecy and that kills off “trust” and “intimacy” and erodes “attraction”... you are literally "training" your man to "lie" to you by making his "truth" unacceptable to you.

If it hurts your feelings to know that your man is looking at a bunch of other naked women.... that does not make you wrong... your feelings are valid!

Here Is The Challenge... There Is Space In The World Of Love... 

Can you accept that even though your hurt feelings are valid... that does not necessarily make him wrong either?

And if you can... can you convey that to him in a way that makes him really get that you are hurt AND really get that you are not making him wrong or bad?

This is challenging and subtle... and very powerful.

Once you have reached that level of “communication” you can take an honest look... TOGETHER... at whether his indulgence is “negatively impacting” your sex life together... and what you can do about it... the fact is... your “sex life” together can become much more “fulfilling” and “exciting” than masturbating in front of the computer... and figuring out what will make it that way is challenging because he is getting SOMETHING from the easy.. uncomplicated... visual gratification that he is not getting from you.

One thing obviously... is risk free variety without cheating or doing anything that he considers "actually wrong"... you may decide together that a limited amount of this is okay... or you may decide together... that there's a more “beautiful commitment” to love in him... letting go of that easy pleasure for the “greater intimacy” of your relationship... yet you cannot talk him into that... and you cannot “convince” him that his pleasure is not pleasurable... this is when being skilled in “persuasion” and “influencing” him to offer it up... to him “letting go” of porn for the “benefit” of your relationship.  

And here is the cool part... there is in a “relationship” a lot of different possibilities that might work for you... if you can have these “conversations” with the absolute... pre agreed priority that... NO MATTER WHAT... you will “accept” each other for exactly who you are... then just working to figure this stuff out “together” is going to dramatically “deepen your intimacy”... help you learn more about each others “sexual needs” and “desires”... and radically improve your “sex life”... and if you actually do exactly what I just said in the paragraph above... then I guarantee your results!

Of course... to get to that place together could be the first challenge... a lot of repair work and “winning of trust” may have to happen first... he may be unwilling to meet you on the journey right now... and all of these challenges will grow you as a woman and grow your capacity for both giving and receiving love in the world.

Sexual Lovemaking Tip...

A woman needs a continuous flow of “stimulation” in bed to get an orgasm... it is the best method for bringing her to orgasm.

When you sense that she is about to come... do not stop and do not make changes... keep doing whatever you are doing faster and harder to bring her over the edge.

For the same reason... when you go down on a woman... the technique of "the alphabet"... licking her in the shape of all letters from A to Z... is DUMB...  even though it is often recommended in magazines or on TV.

It does not work because you keep doing something different... A... B... C etc...

Instead... you should be doing it in a way that you see she “enjoys” and keep repeating the same motion.

Always remember she needs a Continuous Flow of Stimulation to take her pleasure to the next level.

And practically speaking... that completes this conversation.

As always... leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are truly Passionate and DYNAMIC Lovers!

Yours Sincerely



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