Obsession When Love Becomes Corrupted 

By Ange Fonce

Love is that most powerful "emotion" that can overwhelm all other "emotions"... love can touch us on our deepest level of being... yet what happens when love itself becomes "corrupted?" 

Pessimistic emotions creep in... such as fear... anxiety or anger... our "insecurities” become "amplified"... our "thoughts" become "twisted" and "unhealthy." 

The result is an "distorted version" of love... known as "obsession."

And anyone who has been on the receiving end of "obsession"... either being "obsessed" themselves or being the one "obsessed" over... you know it is not the best of experiences!

None of us want to "think" that we are "obsessed" with anything or anyone... since "obsession" denotes a "harmful" state of being... yet in fact... we are all "obsessed" with something in some way... some of us may be "obsessed" with clothes... others with food and eating... still others with the way we look or with our work.

What we need to "understand" is that "obsession" upto a point can be a "healthy" thing... like anyone who works to acquire a goal... needs a certain degree of "obsession" in the form of "passion" and "persistence" to acquire that goal.

Even if we are "obsessed" with helping the world or spreading love... which are "positive" in "essence"... yet when that "obsession" becomes an "addiction" to the point where nothing else matters... that is when "obsession" becomes very "unhealthy" and "destructive"... no "thought" or "act" must come to "dominate" our lives to the point where we only "live" for that "obsession." 

Moderation is truly key here... everything in "moderation" and nothing taken to an "excess." 

This includes food... money... love... etc.... when we take anything to an "excessive state"... we "twist" the "balance" within our "minds."

Imagine that your brain is split into sections... like a school with many classrooms... one classroom teaches science... one philosophy... one mathematics... one writing and so on... there is a fluid balance spread throughout so that no one subject becomes more than another... yet when all the students only attend the mathematics class and no other class... the other subjects are abandoned... instead of there being a "fluid balance" between all the subjects... everything now flows only to mathematics... and everything is now out of balance.

This principle easily applies within your brain.... when you are only “focusing” on a person you are “thinking” of day and night... you are making all of the "neurons" in your brain “fire” in one way that always follows that particular "thought pattern"...  and over time... those neurons form bonds and establish relationships and multiply in number.... so those “thoughts” then become "one track" and “obsessive!” 

So if you are stuck on someone... the more you “obsess” over him or her... the more you are “implementing” this person “permanently” into your “brain”... Ideally... you want the “neurons” to be “diverse” and spread out evenly between work and family and love and a social life and personal care. 

Like the students who have all flowed into one classroom... you do not want all your “neurons” flowing to only one person in your “brain.”

This is what happens when we are “obsessed” with a person... the word "obsess" comes from the Latin verb "obsidere" which means "to sit inside of... or occupy"... the person we are “obsessed” with figuratively “occupies” our “brains”... they become the main concern circling within our “minds”... we might carry on living our everyday lives... yet the one we are "obsessed" with will constantly occupy our “thoughts"... so who are you "thinking" about every day and maybe not even realizing it... is your ex spouse in your “thoughts”... does a former partner keep coming to “mind”... or are you constantly “thinking” about the person you are with now? 

It is not entirely difficult to become “obsessed” with someone... such as when a relationship ends suddenly or is ended by the other person... if a relationship comes to an end before you are ready to let go... it can take a real “psychological” toll... whenever any chapter of our lives comes to a close before you are prepared... you “experience” a struggle in letting go.

As a counselling psychologist and relationship specialist... I am presented with all sorts of cases and the type of case I most often encounter is “obsession” with another person.... a large number of the clients I speak with come for help on letting go of another person they just cannot seem to forget or let go of. 

I counsel women who have fallen in love with other womens husbands... married men who are seeing other women... men and women who just cannot stop "thinking" about their ex partner... even women who are dating men who are dating 3 other women... and they just cannot let go... even when they “know” it is “unhealthy” and “destructive” to themselves... the “common thread” between these examples is being “obsessed” with someone they cannot have.

And that is the key to “obsession”... you cannot have the person... that is exactly what keeps someone totally bound to an ex partner... or someone elses husband... or an estranged boyfriend who only sometimes comes around... or someone you totally “obsess” about from afar.

It seems the old phrase "you always want what you cannot have" is true... and it is not just true of wanting to have “unrealistic... tangible” things... it is true of the people we want to have too... it is a “psychological phenomenon”... if the “relationship” is not a “challenge”... we are not as “interested” in it. 

If that were the case... every person in the world would settle down with an uncomplicated partner and no one would “experience” relationship problems... the “problem” is we are not “evolved” and “programmed” that way... we are wired by “nature” to seek and take on “challenges”... this is in our DN... because ”challenges” lead to “evolution” and “transformation.” 

When a species is faced with “environmental challenges”... it quickly evolves to adapt to those “challenges”... so “subconsciously”... we seek “challenges” as a means towards “evolution” and “personal development”... this also holds true of the types of “relationships” we seek... we “challenge” ourselves to be with a person so as to make them... and us...   better over time.

When someone has broken up with us or does not want to be with us... the “challenge” becomes to get them back... and our “obsessed brains” do not want to let go of this task until we have fulfilled it... what I want you to think about now is who is “your challenge?” 

If you are in a relationship... you may have already “conquered” your “challenge”... and if you are not then there probably exists someone you are ”interested” in... who is it and how does this person impact your life? 

Could it be that you spend too much time “thinking” about him or her... or that you will not give up on this person even if they are not right for you...  are you “obsessed” with them?

Infatuation Is Not Obsession...

Being “infatuated” with someone is a “healthy element” of love... “think” about “infatuation” as that “feeling” of being head over heels for someone... you smile just at the “thought” of that person... we can be “infatuated” with our partner or potential love interest without crossing the line into “obsession”... and that is a “beautiful” thing... yet when do we know when it has gone too far... how do we distinguish between an “intense love” and an “unhealthy preoccupation”... even worse how can we decipher when it is “time to move” on because the other person does not reciprocating our feelings? 

It becomes very difficult to answer these questions on our own when we are trapped within an “emotional bubble”... and it becomes all too easy to make “wrong”  and “unhealthy decisions” for our selves.

Answer the following 9 questions “truthfully”...

These questions will help you “evaluate“ whether you are in fact “obsessed” with a person... whether your “obsession” is justified based on the other persons response to you and whether you need to “detach” from whom you are “mentally” dependent on... I want you to ”introspect” and be “honest” with yourself.

1... Identify who you think you are “obsessed” with... this is an easy question to answer... is there a person you are “interested” in who you just cannot get off your brain?

2... How much of your day is taken up “thinking” about him or her... are they the first thing you “think” about when you wake up or the “last thing” before you go to sleep... do they suddenly float into your “mind” as you are working... socializing... or occupied with other activities?

3... What routine activities are interrupted by him or her... if they do not return your phone call or do not want to see you... do you feel “emotionally damaged”... do you “cry easily” because of this person... and are you “overly sensitive” to their responses to you?

4... What is your expected outcome... do you “realistically expect” to be with this person or do you “know” deep down that that will never happen?

5... What is their response to you... how does this person “treat you” in turn... do they make an “effort” to be with you or are you always the one to “seek” them?

6... Are you hiding your obsession:.. are you afraid to admit to anyone else just how much you dwell on this person... do you have “feelings” of “shame” or “embarrassment” to share how much you “think” about them?

7... Evaluate your life within this person... how would your life be if you were not stuck on this person... would you actually “feel” freer and more willing to try and find a new love interest?

8... Get to the root of the problem... where is this “obsession” coming from... were you “traumatized” by a breakup or damaged by a former relationship... which is making you not want to let go under any circumstance?

9... Realize the need to detach... after answering these questions honestly... do you feel a “guilty need” to detach from this person for your own “well being?”
How To Detach...

If you answered yes to more than 4 of the above questions... you may want to consider “mentally” and “emotionally” distancing yourself from the person in question... there are “effective ways” to “detach” from someone and the process does not have to hurt... this takes time and a bit of effort on your part... with steps taken each day. 

Here are 5 simple steps to apply every day to help you detach...

1... Start your day with “empowerment”... say something that will “empower” you each morning... and that it will be a “stress free” day and that it “will be”... affirm to yourself as soon as you wake up that your “happiness” is not dependent on this person... recite quotes which strengthen your “independence” and “esteem.”

2... Replace your “obsession”... exchange your “obsession” for a much more “positive activity”... every time you find yourself “thinking” of the person... force your “thoughts” away to a more pleasant idea... focus on what YOU have to get done... a project or a goal you want to “acquire” or “think” about an upcoming event that “excites” you... or “evaluate” the outcome of a “different concern”... the more you “force” yourself to “think” about something else... the more you “train” your ”brain” to “function” and “focus” on other elements of life.

3... Turn to others for “inspiration”... this is not a time to isolate yourself... rely on the support and compassion of friends and family... especially those who have “experienced” similar situations... seek “experiences” like yours to help inspire you to overcome your dilemma.

For example... buy a book which explores the theme of “letting go” of a former love and relate this to your own life.

4... Practice “personal care”... this is the time to take “care” of yourself... “invest” in yourself and your needs... you are your own “main priority”... treat yourself to “self pampering”... exercise regularly... take care of your “health”... splurge on one item... reinvent your look... anything to make yourself happy!

5... Get into a “new routine”... you need to “distract” yourself... even “force” yourself to look the other way when all you want is to see is this person... you need to “rewire the neurons” in your “brain” to cut of the energy to the "obsessive thoughts"... daily activities help with this... take up a new hobby... join a club... do anything which does not harm you and which does not remind you of the person.

Like anything else in life... “detachment” takes “time” and is a process... and the results are remarkably “liberating”... a life in which an “unhealthy obsession” does not “dominate” your day to day “thoughts” and “actions”... is like gaining FREEDOM!

I have published an e book... where I go through the process of “training” and “rewiring” your brain from “pessimistic thought patterns” to “optimistic thought patterns” which will “help” break “obsessive thought patterns” too... go check it out...

As always... leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.

Yours Sincerely

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and International Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Psycho Dynamic Counsellor who works with men... and women who desire to develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers from around the World!

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