Making Love And Being In Love Are Not The Same When It Comes To Sex And Intimacy

The challenge for so many loving and committed couples is in keeping desire, attraction, passion, and presence in their sex lives.

It can feel like your sex drive is betraying your heart. 

You want that you could be consumed with mad attraction for the person you love, and yet all too often, familiarity actually kills libido. 

You might even begin to feel shame around the simple truth that you are often more sexually aroused by thoughts of complete strangers than thoughts of the person who is so dear to your heart.

Yet it would naive, or worse, self-deceptive, to not acknowledge that this is the way humans are built, and in absence of some intentional action on your part, this is likely the way your relationships will evolve.

A big part of the problem is that most people define making love simply as sex with someone you love.

The danger with that definition is that it assumes that love is passively to be enjoyed during sex, rather than something that you DO and actually make HAPPEN!

However, if you examine the phrase "making love" you might notice that it is not passive. 

There is a powerful action in there. 

"Making" is creating and perhaps the most demanding of all actions. 

One can watch, listen, or even walk quite passively, and making or creating requires attention, intention, and presence.

In my definition, making love is in doing the work of surrendering the mind  in service of relating to the other. 

It is being present with your shared desire rather than being wrapped up in your unconnected mental or emotional experience.

One of the unexpected consequences of this definition is that it is possible to engage in profound love-making with a total stranger in a "did not-even-catch-your-name one-night-stand."

Some of my own most intense passionate moments of love making was with a stranger.

The "connection" in that moment was very powerful, and I would never see that woman again.

So was that just sex?

Or a moment of "making love?"

I have never mentioned this before in my writings.

There was a period in my life when I worked as a "male escort" in the more exclusive areas of London.

It was a very interesting time and I learned a lot about women.

And there was often a request for "special services!"

As i mentioned above,  some of the most intense "love making" I have experienced was with a woman who was a total stranger.

Being totally in the "moment" with her.

And this is why I bring up this point.

Being "in love" is not required for "making love." 

Rather, what is required is an openness to love itself and a willingness to "do love" by being present with the other.

It is often easier for some individuals to do this with a relative stranger than with someone they deeply love and respect, with whom they have shared many of life's trials and rewards, and with whom they €™have developed a deep and trusting friendship.

Many of the women I was "escorting" were married.

So "why" would a woman who is married be with a stranger?

Her "escort" for the night!

And this same question also applies to men who are of with a female escort or a "working girl" who provides "sex services."

There are two reasons for this dichotomy about love...

The first is that for lovers who have not practised and worked at "doing love" and "making love" throughout their relationship, the path to being truly present with each other during sex and building "intimacy" between them both, becomes overgrown with all of the accumulated disappointments, minor betrayals, grudges, wrong-makings, and resentments of the years living together as partners in the business of life.

Eventually, for many couples, they wake up one day to discover that their life partner is the single most threatening person in the world for them to become sexually and intimately vulnerable, present, and real with.

Their partner is the person they are most likely to feel judged by, and the person they most fear judgement from. 

There is simply too much at stake.

And I will be honest and say that has happened to me.

I being the one realising that the woman I was in a relationship with.

Was totally wrong for me.

The second reason is that no human ever really accurately knows another in the terms of what they truly "think and feel" if they have never invested themselves to be that deep and vulnerable with their lover. 

The person I know myself to be on a daily basis will never be the same person that exists in your mind of who I am.

If we dig into the labyrinth of "assumptions and beliefs,"  then we might agree that the person whom you "assume and believe" me to be.

Is actually your "assumption and belief" of me.

It is your "story" you have of me.

And my story of who I am and your fictional story of who I am, are not likely to be the same story.

How can you "know" my story, unless you talk with me and really "listen" and spend time really getting to "know" of me?

It works the other way too.

What do I "know" of your story?


The longer you "think" you know someone, the more entrenched your version of that story becomes. 

You might not be surprised to discover that someone you just met is, in fact, very different from the way you first imagined them. 

And what of our parents, children, siblings and lovers? 

You have built up strong certainties that you know them as well (or even better!) than they know themselves.

Yet just how TRUE are those "assumptions and "beliefs?"

I can tell you now that my own Mother has "surprised" me more than once with what she has shared with me.

Bringing that story into bed with you of your "assumptions and beliefs," in open and loving acceptance of your partner, with all of their faults and all of their wonderful qualities, might feel a very great deal like intimacy to you.

And what of your lover?

What do you really KNOW of them?

Is what you sharing REALLY intimacy?

Yes, I would like to offer a perspective that no matter how you bring that story into bed with you of your "assumptions and beliefs" of them, that you are actually destroying any chance of authentic intimacy, killing the freshness of attraction, and erecting powerful barriers to experiencing actually MAKING LOVE with your lover in a deep, emotional and intimate way!

Try this instead...

Do whatever mental acrobatics you need to in order to completely drop your all€œ knowing, a€ll assuming, and all your familiarity of who you "assume and believe" your lover to be. 

Bring yourself back to present with them, to seeing them new in the moment.

You will discover that it is more powerful and intimate to be present with your lover's orgasm,  their crying, their laughter, their tears and their emotions.

To be present with ALL of your lover's personality.

Then simply at the level of feeling the experience of his cock or her pussy and your own baseline feelings of arousal to masturbate in their genitals. 

To put it crudely... that is just a F69K!

And any one can f69k.

Not everyone can MAKE LOVE!

Sometimes the training wheels necessary to get your mind to drop familiarity might involve a fantasy, perhaps a fantasy of a "did not-even-get-your-name one-night-stand." 

You close your eyes and then open them again to see this person before you completely new. 

The truth of the situation opens for you and you relate to them as "who they are," and as the root experience of being human together.

Bringing your self back to presence with them, seeing your lover in the moment simply as they are, and not as they have ever been before, and then experiencing them through erotic touch IS making love.

At this level, sex becomes an entirely spiritual experience. 

You are now in the space, not only making love, you are TRULY MAKING LOVE with a person you are in love with. 

In this state of mutual experience, it is not uncommon to weep tears of joy over and over again, each time you make love, because it never becomes routine or familiar.

Ultimately, your commitment to "doing love" with your partner during sex and sharing intimacy will lead to moments of deep and profound recognition of Truth itself. 

Which, of course, is the recognition of Love itself.

And that is a profound lesson I learnt as an escort.

That "making love" and being "present" making love.

Is a new and refreshing experience every time.


And why would any man or woman not want to experience that?

Sharing a loving relationship!

As always leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are Passionate DYNAMIC Lovers!

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce


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