Intimate Communion Magazine Social Courting Relationship And Sex Questions Sex Special

And welcome to a "Readers Questions Sex Special" where in this issue I answer your questions on relationships and sex!

I guarantee that whoever you are, you will find some amazing nuggets in my replies that will turbo-charge your sex life in the answers to these questions, and much more, below.

So lets get on with the first question?

Question from Tessa...

"It has taken me some time to get the courage to do this and write to you.  I have a wonderful and caring husband, married 25 years.  Sex has been fun, but I have never orgasmed consciously in my life.  

I find DIY boring, I'm only really interested in doing it together, which makes any programs where   I focus on my orgasm a turn off for starters.  

I feel I have let my husband down, and he feels he has let me down, but we love each other and have had good sex from time to time nevertheless but i am now frustrated at what I've been missing.  

I have reached orgasm, though rarely, in dreams. Just feel we're up a blind alley,and time is running out for both of us as my husband is now coming up to retirement-I'm younger.

Help oh help"

Tessa... UK

My Reply...

Dear Tessa,

Thank you for your message and writing to me.

Take a deep breath... everything is going to be fine.

The biggest problem I see in the email that you sent me is the "help oh help" at the end.

Put a gun to a man's head and tell him to get an erection or you will pull the trigger, and you can parade the most beautiful women in the world in front of him and he is a dead man anyway.  

We just cannot do it under pressure.

Same for women and orgasm.

So the very desperation in the plea for help IS THE PROBLEM ITSELF.

There is good news here though, because this particular problem is entirely under your control.

Feeling like you are letting him down and vice-versa is something to stop and think about.

Do you feel he ought to be feeling terrible about his inability to make you come?

Of course not.  

Do you think he feels you ought to feel terrible about your inability to come for him?

I will bet a lot that he does not feel that way.

Which means you are each doing it to yourselves.

Each of you are making your selves wrong.


Yes... and that is what we humans do.

Sit down and have a meaningful, ritualized conversation about this.  

Create a sacred pact, a ceremony in which you release each other from ever... EVER AGAIN making yourself feel wrong or guilty for coming or not coming.

Give each other solemn permission to release this.

Once the pressure is OFF you have the freedom to just focus on the pleasure that you DO get from sex like... touching and cuddling giving HIM pleasure.. all the feelings you get that are exciting even if they are not orgasm... you will have a shared intimacy.

Next, have a sense of humour and be light-hearted about your efforts to have an orgasm together.  

1 in 7 women NEVER do.  

7 in 10 women never do through intercourse.  

So there is nothing shameful going on here.


Have some fun with it.  

Enjoy each other and stop being so goal oriented.  

As long as the journey towards achieving orgasm is all about how frustrated you are,  you are not going to get anywhere.

Instead, make it a shared journey that is both an experimental adventure, and FUN.

When you stop focusing on the orgasm, and just enjoy the experience together, it will happen all by itself.

Keep reading the articles I post up in "Intimate Communion Magazine"... I am often be talking about a lot of different techniques that you can try together while you are enjoying each other, playfully, sensually, and pleasurably without any of that guilt and "feeling terrible" stuff.

And the first step is to stop worrying so much and see this as an OPPORTUNITY to explore new things TOGETHER.  

An opportunity you would not have if coming were easy for you.

This is the best project you can have together to deepen your intimacy together.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And now onto the next question where Rich asks me.....

"hey ange,

i have a question I have been with my GF for a while now....but I can't make her orgasm. this is the first time this has happened. i have been reading the articles like crazy to try and find a new answer. all the old stuff that works doesnt anymore!! please help me i just dont feel i can pleasure her in bed!!!"


My Reply...

Hi Rich,

Thank you for your question and writing to me.

So, obviously, my first question is going to be...  "can she have an orgasm at all?"

If she cannot have an orgasm at all, even when she is masturbating, then she is pre-orgasmic, and there are a lot of things you are going to want to try, and a lot of steps you are going to want to take to give her her first.

I will give you 3 quickies right here...

1) Try a vibrator.  It is a great tool to get her past the hurdle of thinking she cannot... and once she has had her first, it will be easier to repeat the trick, and eventually get rid of the vibrator if you want to.

2) Give her this mental tip.  Tell her not to "try hard" to come... concentration does not work, she has to relax and surrender to it.  It is more like surfing than kayaking.  The harder she pushes the further away it will get.

3) Explore the possibility with her that she IS having an orgasm. And that it is not very strong yet.  Sometimes it is easier to make the pleasure she is already experiencing more intense than to shoot for something she thinks she cannot do.

Now... on the other hand...

If she CAN have an orgasm from masturbation, and she just cannot get there when you guys are in bed together -- despite the fact that you think you are doing all the right things.

Then the issue is probably not WHAT you are "doing" at all.  

Sex, by now, might be a high-pressure situation for her, and she may already feel like a failure because of this.  

So you might want to reframe it completely.

Try setting aside a night where you tell her in advance that the goal is NOT orgasm.  

Not for either of you. 

And just a chance to explore each other's bodies and find out what feels good.

She probably will not just suddenly come the first time you do this.  

The object really is to learn about each other's bodies... and to begin making it safe for her to have sexual pleasure without all the pressure.

Just explore what feels good and give each other feedback.

When she gets that it's a safe and non-judgemental experience to just feel good feelings in bed with you without having to "succeed" at anything, she will soon be able to come as easily with you as she can by herself.

Let me know how you get on.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And now to the next question where Kate asks me...

"hi Ange, your information is great and i love reading your tips, however i have tried many things and i still cant seem to have an orgasm! many of my friends say their first was while masturbating, but that just doesn't turn me on at all. do you have any advice?"

My Reply...

Dear Kate,

Thank you for your question and writing to me


Many women are pre-orgasmic for years... and the important thing to remember is that many of those women (even women who were frustrated and thought they would NEVER have an orgasm) have learned the trick.

That means that YOU can too.

A lot of this stuff can be emotional, and make no mistake, the right partner can go a long, long way to making it happen for you.

If your partner has challenges or he is not confident that he can give a pre-orgasmic woman her first orgasm, he needs the information I am sharing with you here.

And let us look at what you can do for yourself.

I'm going to give you 4 quick tips,

1) Try a vibrator.  It's a great tool to get you past the hurdle of thinking you can't experience orgasms... and once you have had your first, it will be easier to repeat the trick, and eventually get rid of the vibrator if you want to.

2) Do not "try hard" to come. Concentration does not work, you have to relax and surrender to it... the harder you try the more difficult it becomes for you.

3) I know you mentioned that you don't care for masturbation, and that it doesn't turn you on. And that MAY be part of the problem... Is it possible that you have some issues with your own body and whether it is "okay" for you to give yourself pleasure?

A lot of women are conditioned to be "giving" all the time and they feel guilt about "receiving"... especially "receiving" from themselves... they feel like it is SELFISH.

It is not.

And for a woman who feels that way, me saying, "it's not," is not going to suddenly change everything.  

It is something that may take you time to grow past.

Get yourself a romance novel or some erotic stories written for women... I recommend Nancy Friday's book, "My Secret Garden" which is a collection of other women's sexual fantasies. (You can get it on Amazon or your local book store)

Also if you go to Ange Fonce Publishing, there is "erotic stories" you can down load for free there.

Getting turned on alone is an important thing to be able to do...

Then try the vibrator.

Do not worry about "succeeding" at having an orgasm... just see if you can get yourself really turned on when you are alone... and have some really delicious, sexual feelings coming from touching your vagina and clitoris, with or without the vibrator.  

Consider the possibility that this could be very self-nurturing, and maybe even really FUN.

In other words, focus on tip 2 and just relax... "trying" hard to have an orgasm does not work.

And now, just for you...

4) Find what feels great and keep doing it. Relax and stick with not stop even if it feels like you might either (a) pee or (b) explode...and breath in slow, long sighs (feel free to make an ahhhhh noise on the exhale).

When I say "find what feels great" I mean... the PLACE where you touch that gives you the most sexual arousal... the WAY that you touch it (where, with what motion, how much pressure)

The RHYTHM that builds the most sexual tension.

Once you find those three things that feel the most sexually powerful to you... DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!

There may be a very powerful urge to speed u or slow down or go harder or softer or just stop because of feelings that you might pee or explode...


Just relax and breath and surf the pleasure.

Follow these 4 tips alone or with your partner and do not worry about whether or not you have an orgasm.  

Just focus on enjoying the pleasure you are getting and let yourself fall into it.

You will be having your first orgasm in no time!

Thanks again for your email and your support.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And now a Question from Tom...

"I've been having problems getting an erection when i'm around my girlfriend. I've recently just started dating her, and whenever we begin to fool around, I can't get an erection.

My self-diagnosis is that its sexual anxiety, that I am worried that I wont be able to get an erection, thus making me not get one. This isn't the first time, for the past year this has been the case whenever i'm with a girl. It can't be a physical reason because in the mornings i always have an erection.

Do you have any special advice that would help me stop being so anxious?"


My Reply...

Hi Tom,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

I would try talking to your current girlfriend about it. 

Just be cool and have a sense of humour about it.  

Do not make it a big deal like having to tell her that you have HIV... just say.... 

"Look, I know it's a little weird, and I seem to grappling with some sexual anxiety here.  Frankly it's a bit confusing to me, and I'd appreciate it if you'd help me work through it."

Then coach her on the process, figuring out what you need from her as you go.  


Now I am going to share with you a personal story Tom.

Going back some years I was courting a smokingly hot blond. 

And there was big chemistry between us. 

We had been courting for a couple of months. 

We had been out for the night and we ended up back to my place.

 We both knew we wanted each other badly, and the energy between us was achingly hot. 

Well we ended up in my bed and things between us where really getting sizzling and she was very turned on. 

However I was starting to feel really worried... "Mr Cock" was in a "coma" and she noticed and asked me if anything was wrong?

Keeping a straight face... I looked her in the eye, then looked down at my self, flicked my privates a bit... looked back at her... and said...

"It seems I have brought a piece of string with me instead of a pool cue, I wont be pocketing any balls in your hole with that?"

With that she bust out laughing... and that broke the tension for me...  I relaxed. 

We can all suffer "performance anxiety" Tom... it happens to the best of us.

Well after 10 minutes of laughter, smiles, kissing, cuddling and caressing. Mr Cock woke up with a vengence and a very "passionate" night was enjoyed by both of us.

Now Tom, take the pressure of yourself, explain, calmly and with masculine strength (hold eye contact, do not look down like you are ashamed... relax your body so you are not speaking with a constricted throat... that you are very attracted to her and that you are very turned on and enjoying being sexual with her even if you are not getting an erection.  

She is going to have some insecurities and self-doubt about it, even if she says she does not.

Tell her with confidence that you are going to give her a good time with or without an erection, and tell her that you are also enjoying every second of it with or without an erection.  

Tell the truth when you tell her that.  

And then make it true when you do it.

Nothing works better than the truth when it comes to putting your partner at ease.

Then set aside a couple of hours and go have some great sex play without being concerned with whether or not you have an erection.  

Chances are, at some point, if you focus only on the pleasure you are both having, your erection will show up and then you can enjoy that part too.  

Do not try to force it to happen and do not be disappointed if it does not.  

It will, all by itself.  

And the "problem" will sort itself out quickly after that and most likely will not return with your next girlfriend.

Use this opportunity while you do not have an erection to worry about to cultivate other sexual skills like tuning into her body, building sexual trust, and learning how to patiently and lovingly please a woman on your own terms.

Here is a couple of articles I suggest you have a read off.

Let me know how you get on Tom.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Now a Question from Elsa...

"Ange I've been dating the same guy for 3 1/2 years he complains all his friends get treated better than he

I'm not talking sexually because we have a awesome sexual relationship!:)

I'm talking the other things a man likes or makes him feel loved.  Could you PLEEEASE elaborate on what these things are?  I'm swear I'm completely lost on what he's wanting from me and he won't tell me I'm supposed to "know"

My Reply...

Dear Elsa,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

Pick up "The 5 Languages Of Love" by Gary Chapman. 

It is the best book written on this subject.

Different people like to receive love differently.  

You might think you are giving him all the love in the world by touching him, giving him gifts, spending time with him...

And what he really needs is to hear the words...

"I love you, you're special to me, I love spending time with you, I think you're great."

Or, you maybe you already tell him how much you love him all the time... and what he really needs to feel loved is more touching, or quality time, etc.

Once you determine his love language (hint: it is probably the way he tries to give love to you), it is easy to make him feel like he's got the best girlfriend in the world.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Next Question is from Jake...

"My wife used to masturbate regularly. And still she needs to do it as we only get once a week to be close to each other, for some unavoidable reasons.

The problem is: she is yet to orgasm. No matter how long I stay-- 10 minutes or 20 minutes. She says she doesn't understand whether she orgasms during intercourse. She also says she doesn't get as much pleasure during intercourse as she gets during masturbation.

I have understood that She really doesn't cum during intercourse. This thing worries us much. She feels much tension for this, me as well. I have tried to convince her that things will be okay once we start living together and have intercourse  regularly and frequently.

But I don't know if i was really convincing.

Can you help me?"


My Reply...

Hi Jake,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

First of all it is very COMMON that women get more PHYSICAL pleasure from masturbation than they do from intercourse.

There is much more to making love than just how quickly or how powerfully she has an orgasm.

That said, in the end, with some patience and good intention, the physical pleasure from making love can be grown until it BLOWS AWAY any experience she could have on her own.

The first thing to do is make sure that she feels comfortable, confident, and good about herself... that she does not feel like there is anything "wrong" with how she experiences sexual pleasure.

The second thing is to make sure that she knows that YOU are comfortable, confident, and good about her experiences... that she knows that YOU do not think there is anything "wrong" with how she experiences sexual pleasure.

Your calm, easy, and loving manner around the situation will allow her to relax into having a deeper experience with you. 

This may take some time.  

She may not trust immediately that you are not just saying it to make her feel better. 

You must remain positive in your words and actions, show her that you are playful and happy, and full of attraction for her and that this issue is not important as long as you are both happy.

Then, when she is fully trusting that you are not judging her or disappointed in her, or feeling like there is anything "wrong," you can ask her to share her masturbation with you. 

Allow you to watch and enjoy it cradle her body in your arms while she does it, stroke her hair or kiss her as she does it, etc... making it a shared experience...  and then, afterwards to participate in the experience, guided by her in touching her and working the magic together as a team.

Soon you will be enjoying love making as an act of loving playfulness.  

When there is no more pressure for her to have orgasm during intercourse and she is able to open to the pleasure of how much you enjoy touching her... then she will very likely begin to have deep, powerful orgasms from intercourse.

If someone held a gun to your head and said, if you cannot get an erection, then you will die... well, my friend, if you are like most men, you are going to die.  

Because men cannot get erections while under pressure.

Same for her orgasm.

When she is completely free of any doubt or anxiety, it will be much easier.

Have a read of these article Jake to give you some ideas.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And now the final QUESTION is from.....Fanny (Smiles)

"I am a 28 year old and feel funny about having sex with my husband... I used to be intense and not enjoy sex...
Well, I have been taking your advice... and I enjoy it so much that I squirt everytime now and more and more each I enjoying it too much or just go with it?... why do I feel embarrassed when I squirt and how can overcome that??
Thanks a lot for your advice and articles I love them."


My Reply

Dear Fanny,

Thank you for your question and your message.

Well, you have a very high quality problem there!  

And you also have a great opportunity for some beautiful personal growth that will make you happier in EVERY area of your life.

Every human experiences shame and embarrassment in some areas of their life... it is just the way we are wired, and it is really one of the worst feelings you can have.  


The life blood of shame is secrecy.  

If you declare the things you are ashamed of, you discover that nobody else really judges you about it (trust me on this), and the shame vanishes.

I trust that if you come clean with your husband and tell him that you are feeling some awkwardness and embarrassment about how much you have been enjoying sex with him lately...

I am pretty sure he will scoop you up, give you a lot of kisses, and tell you that are you being silly and that HE LOVES IT.

That experience of speaking what you are ashamed of and then getting love in return is priceless.  

In my experience with a huge number of clients, it happens this way almost every time.

Then tell some of your close girlfriends about it too. 

Tell them that you are experiencing all of this amazing sexual pleasure and that you feel a bit awkward and embarrassed by it (make sure you also tell them where you got the information, LOL!) and just notice their reaction!

I think you will see that once you have spoken it, the shame disappears and you can go back to being proud and powerful in your amazing, beautiful sexuality.

Final note:  Rolled up towels in the drawer closest to the bed.  Clean, fluffy, high quality, soft towels.  

Lots of them!

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!

And that wraps up this issue of Intimate Communion Magazine Questions.

As ever...

Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

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