Intimate Communion Magazine Social Courting Relationship
And Sex Questions Issue 25 

By Ange Fonce

And welcome to this edition of The Intimate Communion Magazine Readers Questions... Sex Special!

In this edition... I answer different and varied questions from you about "sex"... relationships... fantasies... exploration... and worry‏... that both men... and women sent to me via e mail. 

And this “Sex Special” is an interesting one... as ALL the “questions” are from MEN!

In this issue of your “questions”... the subjects I reply to are... 

"She Says 'Stop' When She's Close"‏

“Deflowering a “Virgin” 

“Oral Issues with my girlfriend” 

“Sex after Kids”‏

So let us get started with the first question... which is actually a “reply” to my first return e mail from a previous question...

QUESTION from Cal...

"Hey man thanks for the advice but my problem is that when she is about to get off she tells me to stop because the room is spinning and she cant take it she also says that it starts to burn. thanks.!

Cal... U S A


Dear Cal... thank you for getting back to me from my previous e mail.

Okay so you know that point where she tells you to stop?

Well that is exactly when you have to keep going to make her have an orgasm...  those feelings she is having are an indication that she is about to cum...

The problem is... you cannot keep going if she keeps telling you to stop unless you want an unpleasant visit from her big brother.

The solution is  Sexual Trust.

She has got to trust YOU more than she trusts HER SELF when it comes to her sexual response.

When that happens she will sexually surrender herself to you... and instead of tensing up... she will just relax into it and let you do what you do best... now let us talk about the burning sensation a bit... because that is the only part that may call for more caution...

3 possible reasons here...

1... She could have some kind of infection that becomes irritated with friction... in which case a visit to the gynaecologist is in order

2... The friction is drying her out and you need to use some lube

3... It is very common in this situation that she has a mild case of "secondary vaginismus" which basically means that the pain is caused by her feelings of anxiety as she approaches the point where she will lose control and have an orgasm.

This is n not something you can just force her past because that will make it worse and you cannot "talk her out of it"... that will make it worse too.

You can learn more about “vagnismus” by reading this article...

You have to earn her sexual trust with your confidence... your touch... and your competence.

3 Steps are required...

You need to first demonstrate that you can be patient...  then you need to let her know that she can trust you not to hurt her...  then you need to show her that you have sexual confidence... most importantly... let her see that you are not put off by the situation...  that you are comfortable with WHATEVER comes up for her... your ease and comfort with what happens or what does not happen... will be powerfully contagious... and it will work wonders to unwind her sexual anxiety... let her know that just on the other side of that anxiety is a powerful orgasm and that you are going to be there for her... that you can hold space for her to let whatever happens... happen.

Encourage her to talk about it...  and do not push if she does not want to....  demonstrate to her that you have zero neediness around the issue...  you are available and not pushing... eventually she will hand the steering wheel to you and surrender.

In a sense... she needs someone confident to give her permission or reassurance to get to the other side.

Keep in touch Cal and let me know how things go for you.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Next “question” is from Darrell...
“Okay, Basically my girlfriend and I are thinking  about having sex soon the only thing is she is still a virgin. 

Ange, do you have any tips at all for  making it hurt less for her. The last thing I want  to do is hurt her in anyway especially in the  bedroom her first time. Thanks a ton Ange."

Darrell... Ireland

Dear Darrell

Thank you for contacting me and your message.

First off... relax man you will both be fine... many things in life hurt a bit...  and fortunately, a little pain cannot kill you.  
As it turns out... pain is the admission fee to  MANY of lifes pleasures...  ask any doctor how they felt about medical school.
Yes... she may experience a little pain... instead of focusing too much on the "pain is bad" thing...  which will have you constantly stopping and worrying... and reframe it... you can laugh about it... you can tap into enjoyment of it... and if you are really an advanced lover... you can get her to enjoy making the sacrifice of suffering for your pleasure...  women LOVE to give to please their man...
Men love it too actually... and the key to making it enjoyable is to accept it as a special gift from her for your pleasure and to your future pleasure together...  give her authentic and NOT apologetic praise for it.
Get her really turned on first by teasing and  teasing for a long time... and she will hardly even notice...  sexual arousal disrupts the pain circuits in the brain... and the main thing to be concerned  about is not hurting her body... it is hurting her heart... be genuine with her...  be patient with yourself too...   have a sense of humour if things go differently than you expect...  smile at her a lot.
And hold her for a long... long time afterwards... do that and she will always remember her first  time as one of the great experiences of her life... and USE PROTECTION.  

If she thinks losing her virginity hurts... wait until she finds out how much pain there is giving birth!
Now you two have a sweet time together.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce
And the next “question” is from Eash...
“Hi Ange, 

I want to give my girlfriend some oral sex but I fear the taste and smell. What do I do? 

I really would love to please her and I don't want  my inadequacies to get in the way. Is there  anything I can do to omit the taste and/or smell of her vagina? 

Do you have any tips? 

Please Help!!"
Eash... India
Dear Eash

Thank you for your message and contacting me.

First...  have her take a shower right before sex... and if she is not shaved or waxed... have her take care of that...  removing hair... especially in the butt crack... will eliminate virtually all unpleasant scent.

Also have her use natural non perfumed soaps... last thing you want is the taste of perfume in your mouth... other than that...
Well... most men really LIKE that smell of fresh... healthy vaginal juices... generally speaking... the smell of fresh body fluids is not unpleasant... it is only when they sit for a while and bacteria begins to grow that people begin to smell... her vagina is no different.
So if she does not smell good to you after a  shower... there is a good possibility that something is wrong down there...  have her set up an appointment with her gynaecologist... and get checked out.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce
And finally a rather “complex couples question” from Martin...
“Hi Ange,

I have been a long time reader of yours and you always publish good stuff... and so I decided to write to you... I have some questions for you about my sister. I already sent her the site where she could read your stuff.

However, she said that if she  told her husband about it it would make him very insecure. She was a virgin when she married. 

However her husband was not. He had four close  relationships before her. Everyone of his girl friend cheated on him... I think this has alot to do with his relationship with my sister. 
In the beginning she said they has sex often and he wanted to try new positions. After my sister got pregnant his sex drive changed. Since the baby was born which has been a year ago now he still isn't showing any interest. She told me she is  lucky if they have sex once a month. When they finally make love he lasts two minutes at the most. My sister rarely has an orgasm. 
She has started using a vibrator by herself to keep her needs met. She has thrown away all her lingerie because he didn't like her wearing it. I told her she should start using the vibrator when their together so they could feel some kind of connection. She replied that he is offended that she uses the vibrator, and he gets mad that she is using it at all. 
He has told my sister that making love to her is boring because she doesn't do anything. Since then she has bought countless books on the internet to find out how she should move in bed. This hasn't worked. Since she has been with him she has become very insecure. She has started dressing way too revealing, and she regrets staying a virgin until marriage. She believes that if she would have slept with other partners she would be better in bed. I have told her this is not true... 
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... Something has to be done for my sister. And I don't know what to do. Your advice would be highly appreciated. 

Martin... UK
Dear Martin

Thank you for your question and contacting me.

First of all... thank you... it is nice to know that what I share is helpful to you.

Now to your question... I can hear your frustration... and I know what it is like when you want to help someone you love... and it seems like there is just nothing you can do.
There is a lot of complex issues here... and the main thing that your sister MUST understand... is that based on what you wrote... SHE is not the problem... HE is.
And while OF COURSE this kind of thing is never one persons fault... it is always BOTH of them... I think we can make some accurate thoughts as to why his previous girlfriends cheated on him...and in that pattern we can see that he needs some serious help in his intimate relationships.
Here is one issue that they might be dealing with...
It is very common for men to lose their sexual attraction for their wife after she becomes pregnant... sometimes this happens even sooner...often in just a few months and sometimes triggered by getting married.  
Here is what is going on...
He STOPS thinking of her as his "hot sex kitten"... and starts thinking of her as the "mother of his child."
There is all sorts of complex emotions involved in the way we think of "mothers" in general... and at the most basic level, the sexual blueprint in some mens heads... the things that turn them on... has to do with being "naughty."  

Sex is supposed to be "forbidden" and "bad" and that is part of what makes it FUN.
The nurturing and protective feelings he has when he thinks of her as the mother of his child just completely short circuits his sex drive...  it seems wrong to him emotionally to want to do something "dirty" with the new "mummy."
The other bad stuff flows from this.  
He may not even be aware why sex with his wife suddenly seems wrong... or even repulsive...  he becomes insecure about his sex drive...  that makes him angry and jealous... her dressing sexy makes it worse...  in his mind... mummies should not do that.
Him saying that she is not good in bed is just his insecurities lashing out...  of course it has less than nothing to do with it...  his sex drive has gone and he feels like less than a man... and he is too weak to admit that it might be his own issues and not hers.
Couples counselling might help... and he would have to agree to it... which is something he would fin difficult... because that would mean admitting that something is wrong...  and that may be very hard for such an insecure guy.
Bottom line is this...
The first thing she has got to do is STOP being afraid about this and realize that she is not doing ANYTHING wrong... except of course that she is not confronting him and talking to him about getting her needs  met.
And it sounds like he has chosen her largely because she is not the kind of woman who is strong enough to point out where he is being insecure and immature. 

She has got some choices to make...
Obviously I think she should TALK to him and try to get him to seek counselling with her... and that is going to take some guts on her part... for what it is worth... much of what I have published in The Intimate Communion Magazine would be USELESS to him... because he has not admitted that he has a problem yet... and really they need face to face work for their relationship problems.  
Ultimately he may learn to make love at a deeper level and find that his sex drive can be triggered by other more powerful things... and he is going to have to be completely on board or it is a waste of time to learn those things from my materials.
And like I said... first she is going to have to have some very difficult conversations with him... so I would suggest she gets support first to build up her confidence to bring the relationship issues with him... as he is going to be angry... at least at first... and he may say some hurtful things to protect his insecure self... and then... ultimately, she must decide if it is worth pushing... or if it is better to save the harmony in the marriage for the sake of their daughter.
This is a terrible decision to make... and many wives and mothers have decided to do exactly this... and it sounds like your sister is on that path... often couples who make the decision to "save the marriage for the children" can cooperate happily as friends and secretly seek sexual gratification outside of the marriage.  
Nobodys idea of an ideal relationship... yet that is just the truth for some couples... and it would be inauthentic for us to not admit the truth of that in this discussion of the issue.

Remember my friend... she is an adult...  and much as you want to "save" her... in the end it is HER life... and her decision... yes you can advise... and in the end... you have to respect her decisions... and just be there to comfort her when she needs it...  half the marriages in todays world fail... and hers is on some very rocky ground.
Meanwhile... because she was a virgin and he was not... he is the "expert" and so she believes him when he says it is her fault... again...  it is not.
If she stays true to herself... and she takes back the confidence that he has taken from her...then she may have the power to convince him that he is wrong... and that their marriage is worth saving... and worth healing.
There is incredible power in speaking your truth... regardless of the situation...  being able to say what is true for you to your lover is often very challenging... and it not only worth it for the relationship... it is worth it for everything in your life.
Suggest to her she can contact me if she would like some one to one coaching and support... no amount of book or article reading is going to solve this problem... they both would benefit from face to face work and support.

Thank you again Martin for writing to me and being concerned... yet at the end of the day... no matter how much you want to help... it is down to them both to work through their issues and seek help... they have to make that "choice!"

Take care of yourself and keep me posted how things go.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And that wraps up this issue of The Intimate Communion Magazine Readers Questions... thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!

Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

And are DYNAMIC lovers.

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and International Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Psycho Dynamic Counsellor who works with men... and women who desire to develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers from around the World!

Your Questions And Inquiries...

If you would like to send me an e mail about a problem you are experiencing that I can answer... it will enable me to write a helpful response much more quickly if you keep it to a simple format... as you can imagine... I am a busy Man... so here are the guidelines...

1... Your question must be no more than 3... 4 paragraphs... please.

2... Get as specific as you can... and to the point... the details help me really get a feel for your unique situation.

3... You will not abuse my trust in you... as I will not abuse your trust in me.

4... You will not send customer support emails and spam to my contact email... if you do that you will not get a response and I will probably have to stop being so open with my time and providing a FREE advice service. 

Seriously... I want to help you... and to do that I need you to respect my time as much as I respect yours... and allow 2... 4 days for me to get back to you.

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are truly Passionate and DYNAMIC Lovers!

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