And welcome to this edition of The Intimate Communion Magazine Readers Letters... in this edition I reply to questions... that I have been asked for advice on via e mail... as always... you can comment on any one of these questions... and offer up your opinion using the comments box at the end of this article.

The questions I reply to are...

Great Guy But He's AWFUL In Bed... What Can I DO?

Is It Best To Tell Him I Want A Committed Relationship First?

Why Women HATE Men?

Should I Let Him Go?

How To Get Your Ex Back?

So let us not waste any time move right on with the show.

First Question is from Sherry who asks me...

"Ange! I need your help! I met this guy through a friend.

We went out. He's HOT (gorgeous. He has abs. I've never been with a guy who had ABS like that before). We went out a couple times and I found myself FALLING for this guy like crazy. I felt ALL this chemistry when we kissed.

He's got great hands. Great smile. Great personality. He's got a JOB (unlike my ex) and he really seems to like me . . .

But he's AWFUL in bed.

I mean AWFUL.

So bad that I get just a tiny bit nauseous at the idea of having sex with him again. 

It's not that he's "small" (he's not big but he's not tiny or anything.)

It's that he's so damned   POLITE and NICE.

Listen, I'm a feminist. I'm strong. I'm powerful. I have a career.

But in the bedroom I want a MAN who can take charge, pull my hair a little, RAVISH me like in a romance novel and just TAKE me . . .

But he spent the whole time making sure I was "OK," and acting a tentative and embarrassed and trying to be so NICE and APOLOGIZING.

I don't know what to do!

He's SUCH a great guy. How do I tell him I want him to be more of a GUY with me? And what do I do if he won't do it????"

Please advise me Ange."

Sherry...USA

My Reply...

Hi Sherry,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

Years ago I was talking to an old army friend about sex... he was 18 at the time... and had just lost his virginity... I told him... 

"Well, John, someday you are going to have BAD sex . . . the kind of sex that makes you shiver inside.. and that you wish you could go back in time... and make sure you never had."

He laughed at me...  and replied...

"Ange...there is no such thing as BAD sex."

Then he came back 3 months later... his skin white... and tallow... a depressed look on his face... and said...

"You were right... there is bad sex."

Anyway... that is a tangent.... let us talk about YOUR problem...which is actually really common... I also get emails from women all the time in JUST your situation... I also get a lot of emails from women in the OPPOSITE situation... he is GREAT in bed... and an awful in person.

You might be..."screwed"... here... and you might not....Sorry... I just could not resist the pun!

If he is gorgeous... and nice... and smart... and has a job... and has abs that you can use to do your laundry... it is worth sticking around... and seeing if you can get him to come out of his sexual shell... because I will tell you right now... inside EVERY man there is a BEAST just waiting to come out.

The problem is that a lot of..."nice guys”... men who respect women... see women as equals... and would be great partners... fall for totally Bull Shit idea that... "respecting"... women means being kind of a wuss in the bedroom.... it is not that he does not  WANT to use those rippling muscles to take you... seduce you...RAVISH you... and play your body like Jimmy Hendrix's guitar... it is that SOMEBODY... an ex girlfriend... his mother... convinced him that his deep... and dirty... and maybe even a little dark sexual desires are simply NOT OK!

And over the years he has learned to keep his..."beast"... that just wants to TAKE you... and make you orgasm so hard your neighbours think there is an earthquake... locked tightly under lock... and key.

So what do you do? 

Well... I would recommend a couple possible angles on this...

1. Let that first time go in your mind... the first time with anybody can be funny... weird... or awful... and it does not necessarily mean you will not be rocking each other's socks soon. 

2. Try to get him to open up about what HE dreams about... or thinks about sexually... you may need wine for this if he is particularly repressed.

Most men are going to have a hard time admitting their ACTUAL fantasies to a woman... a lot of men expect women to FREAK OUT when they learn what we really want... and if you can create a safe... non-judgemental place for him he might open up about his cheerleader fetish . . .or his deep attraction to Cheerios... or whatever... people can be weird.

3. If you can get him to open up about his fantasies... see if there is anything in there that you could make a reality. 

4. Tell him what YOU want... you do not have to get freaky about it... and tell him... when you are hanging out... not when you are about to have sex... what you are into... and what you would like him to do to you. 

Do not bring up ex boyfriends... or anything like that... that will kill him forever... and just talk about how much he turns you on... and how it makes you want him to grab your butt... and take you... add what ever you like after this.

5. And finally... make a game of it... do a little role playing... get some fuzzy handcuffs... show him that sex can be FUN... and dirty... and that he can act out his... "aggressions"... appropriately... and not get yelled at for it.

Is this GUARANTEED to turn him around?

Nope... depending on what is going on in his subconscious... you might not be able to turn this man around... yet it sounds to me like it is worth trying.

Here is a couple of links to the RESOURCE achieves  of Intimate Communion I recommend you have a read of.....

Dynamic Advanced Sex And Intimacy For Lovers

Dynamic Sex And Intimacy For Lovers

Dynamic Sex Therapy For Lovers

Have fun reading them... and use the information you will learn to... "open"...him up... and release his inner... "Masculine Beast"... that will want to..."Ravish"... you!

Let me know how you get on Sherry.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And now to the second question where Maria Grace asks...

"I just started dating this great guy & really want things to work out with  him. I want to use what I've learned from reading your articles and some of the "dating books" I have read.

I was just wondering if we haven't slept together yet, is it best to tell him I want a committed relationship first? Any thoughts would be appreciated!!"

MG....UK

My Reply...

Dear Maria.

Thank you for your question and writing to me.

This actually reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend the other day about the WORST things a woman can post on her online dating profile.

I remember when I was researching... "on line dating".... profiles... I would be... "researching"... on an online dating site... and soon got to notice there were two kinds of..."man repulsion"... profiles I would see again... and again.

Number one was the...

"Where are the GOOD MEN???"

OR...

"PRINCESS SEEKS HER PRINCE."

These do not work because they had..."high maintenance wounded bird with fantasy expectations"... all over them.

The other type of... "re-pulser"... was the...

"SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS ONLY"

The type of profile that said in ALL CAPS how ONLY GUYS WHO ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SERIOUS SHOULD APPLY.

Anyway.. I know you are not talking about online dating here... yet I think there is a parallel here in the... "real world courting."

If you tell a man early on...

"I'm looking for something serious and don't want to waste my time so let's not even do this unless you want 15 babies." 

You are going to cause even really good men who DO want family... and commitment to run for the hills... it is just too much... it is like if you met a man... and after 3 meet up's he told  you he only wanted to keep seeing you if you were interested in freaky athletic "romance" involving trapeze.... and cheetahs.

Now... I am not saying you should lie... or even that you should keep quiet about you want... I am just saying you should frame it as a..."someday"... thing... I actually recommend this method to my clients when they are first getting together with some one new.

Not to... BEG... for commitment... or anything... that would not work... and to make it VERY clear that what you want to happen someday... so just drop the occasional... "someday"...into your conversation...

"Someday, when I get married." 

"Someday when I have a family."

Men usually get the hint... and you will not put too much pressure on him... and after you drop those... "some days"... try to forget about them... and focus on the now. 

Have fun... fall in love if that is what is going to happen... the serious conversations should come a little later.

Let me know how you get on Maria.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Next Question...  and Margaret asks...

"Ange, why do so many women seem to HATE men so much on Facebook? Men make me angry sometimes but I still love them Why is there so much anger?"
 
My Reply...

Hi Margaret,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.
 
Ha... if you think the messages on the FB wall can be crazy you should read what I get in my e mails.

WOW!

Where do I start with this one?

Well... I am going to say it really comes down to THREE big reasons...

1. "The Myth Of Prince Charming."
 
Personally... I find it insanely sexist... and women are taught from a young age that someday their prince will come.
 
He will be handsome.... giving... kind... rich... tall... he will have a magical penis that can do jumping jacks... he will be great in a fight... and tender at the dinner table... talking about the contours of his inner emotional world... he will never look at other women... he will never look at porn... he will be respectful in public... and a ravishing king in the bedroom... he will be mysterious... and complicated... and he will be theirs... and only theirs... forever... and ever... and ever... and ever... and ever...  blah... blah... blah.

Us guys might as well all go outside and blow our brains out right now... because Prince Charming does not exist... and he NEVER HAS! 

So what we have are a lot of disappointed... wounded... and ANGRY women who feel RIPPED OFF that their prince never showed up... that would make me mad too.
 
What I do when I coach women... is what men are REALLY like... and how to have great relationships with ACTUAL men who are HUMAN BEINGS instead of fictional characters from La La land... Oh dear... I have been politically incorrect there... Smiles.
 
Tangentially... I get a lot of women online... and offline asking where the... "Real Men"... are . . . and I can never figure out what the bloody hell they are talking about... "Real Men"... are everywhere... they just are not what you want them to be any more than you are the nymphomaniac porn star a lot of guys want YOU to be.
 
2. They Expect Men To Be Emotionally And Mentally Like Women
 
There is a great quote from John Gray... the Men Are From Mars guy... who said...

"Women treat men like incompetent women."
 
I love that quote... a lot of women expect men to be as hyper communicative... and emotionally open... and relationship focused as they are... except there is this thing called... “Nature... and Evolution”... and we are not as men as a rule that way inclined... and we are never going to be...  if you treat men like women... or expect men to be women... you will be alone... and pissed off for a very long time.
 
3. They Think One (or 5) Bad Apples Ruin The Whole Bunch.
 
I get a lot of weird generalized question on Facebook like... 

"Why do all men cheat on their wives?" 

Some do... some don't. 

"Why are all men so MEAN to women?" 

Some are... some aren't. 

"Why do all men want their wives or girlfriends to sleep with other men?" 

Some do... most don't.

And I have had even had one woman ask why ALL men when they turned 40 suddenly became paedophiles... which goes up there as one of the most disturbing questions I have ever received... I talked to her... and got her to undertake therapy with me... turns out she had suffered bad sexual abuse in her past.
 
Not all men are the same just like not all women are the same... we are all unique snowflakes.
 
Now... MOST men do have certain psychological traits... and triggers in common.... yet it does not mean we are all ASSHOLES any more than all women are CRAZY BITCHES.
 
It all boils down to expectations... if you expect a Bat to be a Butterfly... you are always going to be disappointed in that Bat.... if you expect a Bat to be a Bat... you can have a really great relationship... and what a weird metaphor?!

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Now for a Question which is from Julie and she asks...
 
"I just want some different perspective here. There's a man that I adore. Always have. He's a great, wonderful man with a warm heart and great smile. He's always there for me. He strives to make sure I have for what I ask (within his means). For some reason my heart keeps coming back to him.

BUT he has no ambition or drive. This is VERY hard for me bc I'm all ambition and drive. I know that he's an great partner and would be an awesome dad. I just can't get over that he has no career and is not a real goal-oriented person.

I'll always be the bread winner while he is "Mr. Mom." My heart struggles with letting him go for good or accepting my imperfect man, perfectly. There would be no question if he were more stable."
 
My Reply...
 
Hi Julie,
 
Thank you for writing to me and your message.

A couple things...
 
1. Sounds like a really caring... amazing man... and you are right... he is not going to wake up one morning and be an... "Alpha Male"... who wants to conquer the world... if he is over 25 and has not found his... "mission"... yet... it is going to be REALLY hard to change that.... I wrote a... "special"... series of articles for Your Tango  called......... 

HOW TO GROW YOUR MASCULINE BALLS BACK

See if you get him to have a read of those articles and if it has any effect on him.... you can check them out on my Experts Profile.

2. This issue is going to feast on your love... and cause a rift between you forever unless you can learn to accept this man for who he is... if you can focus on what you adore about him... you have got a shot... if you are constantly feeling anger... or contempt towards him for not being the driven... BEAST... of a man you are attracted to... you are screwed... and I do not mean that in a sexual way!
 
And here is the thing... the... "perfect man”... does not exist.... men who are driven... and goal oriented usually are not caring... and domestic as well.
 
Love him... or leave him.... the choice is yours.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And finally Erica asks...
 
"Ange, in some of your posts you write about 'How to get your ex back." Do you honestly believe it is healthy to get back with someone you had an unhealthy relationship with previously?
 
Do you honestly believe both parties will change for life, and if they do change won't they end up reverting back to their old ways because, after all people are who they are?"
 
My Reply...

Hi Erica,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

Great question.
 
Now to answer your question...
 
"It depends."
 
Now more seriously... there are plenty of couples who are toxic together... who had their run... and just should NOT get back together no matter what... yet try telling that to a heartbroken dude... or dudette feeling that crushing... horrible loneliness... and wanting nothing more in the world than to hold that one special person in their arms again.
 
Now when I am doing couples therapy it usually works REALLY well... and it sometimes does not always work in the way most couples expect.
 
Sure... I sometimes get a man... yet it is mainly women who say...

"Ange... this is a amazing.... my ex dumped his new girlfriend... and we are together again... It is wonderful!"
 
And I also get a lot of men... and women who say... 

"Ange... working with you helped me realize the toxic parts of our relationship... and that I really do not want my ex back... I used your material... I feel amazing... and I met a great new girl."
 
And I consider both of those outcomes to be a huge success.
 
Even for men... and women who really SHOULD get their ex back... they broke up for non-critical reasons... and still have a great shot at happiness together... I teach them how to KILL... AND BURY their old relationship so they can create a new one with the same person.
 
To go on record... here is a few cases where you should NEVER EVEN TRY to get your ex back...
 
1. Abuse... if you... or your partner are physically... sexually... or emotionally abusive... it is done... done... done.... get out of that relationship as quick as possible... LEAVE!
 
2. Serial Breaking up... if you have broken up... and got back together more than twice already... move on.
 
3. If you fight ALL THE TIME... STOP IT... get therapy... do not be with that person any more.
 
Love is not easy... nor is it not ritual combat either.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!

And that wraps up this issue of Intimate Communion Magazine Readers Questions.

As ever...

Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

What are Your thoughts and ideas?

Use the Comments box below and "Have Your Say"... even if you disagree with me... I really appreciate it when people reply with thoughtful and helpful comments... it makes my day. 

Your Questions And Inquiries

If you would like to send me an e mail about a problem you are experiencing that I can answer... it will enable me to write a helpful response much more quickly if you keep it to a simple format... as you can imagine... I am a busy Man... so here are the guidelines...

1. Your question must be no more than 3-4 paragraphs... please.

2. Get as specific as you can... and to the point... the details help me really get a feel for your unique situation.

3. You will not abuse my trust in you... as I will not abuse your trust in me.

4. You will not send customer support emails and spam to my contact email... if you do that you will not get a response and I will probably have to stop being so open with my time and providing a FREE advice service. 

Seriously. I want to help you... and to do that I need you to respect ME... and MY time as much as I respect yours... and allow 3 - 7 days for me to get back to you.

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