Intimate Communion Magazine Social Courting Relationship And Sex Questions 

Is He Really Available And Should I Have The Talk With Him 

Plus... How To Get a Guy to Ask You Out Even If He's Shy And What Do I REALLY Want? A Man Or A Baby?

I sure do get a lot of e-mails from women who are courting men who are...well...not "quite" divorced yet.  

Learn how to "read between the lines" and make high-quality courting decisions.  

It is all about saving YOU from disappointment and heartbreak.

So let us get on and answer the first question that come from Trina who asks me...

"Hi Ange,

I met a man whose wife left him and is in the process of being divorced. We had 6 great dates. We were very attracted to each other and we had physical relations on some of the dates.

Then one day I freaked out a little cause he hadn't even filed for divorce yet.

And I told him I couldn't do this any more. So we talked and he said he just wanted a friend and nothing serious. He's not ready yet. We still keep in touch thru emails and IM and I let him initiate most of the time.

My question is did I scare him away?

I still like him very much but I don't want a pen pal I want to get to know him.

So do I contact him and talk to him about how I feel?"


My Reply...

Dear Trina,

Thank you for writing to me, and your message.

I suppose I should have become used to getting e-mails similar to yours by now.  

And I feel I never, ever will.

Why so many women allow themselves to get involved with men who are inherently unavailable to them is beyond me. 

When there is so many single men looking to find a great women.

Here is the way it is.  

And know ahead of time that this is not going to be the easiest thing in the world for you to hear.  

I am simply the messenger - the truth here really is rather clear. 

When a man is "separated" or by any other description NOT divorced yet, he is A MARRIED MAN.  

What is more, many times you really can drop the "yet" part from that last statement.

When there is no official divorce record, you are fully dependent upon someone's word that he or she really has broken up with his or her partner.

Notice that I was not gender-specific there.  

Truly both men and women can experience what you have in situations like this.

If you are courting a man who claims that his marriage is through and has nothing to prove that with, then the reality is that just about anything could be going on.  

And almost anything could happen as a result.  

Even if you know for a fact that, say, his wife has picked up and moved to another city to be with some other guy she left him for, reconciliation is always a possibility - made easier by the lack of any formal severance to the relationship.

As you have found out, the man you are with was willing to sleep with you, but never quite got around to getting his divorce filed.

This is a major red flag as I see it.  

If his wife "left him" and no divorce has been filed for, it is likely that one or both spouses is indeed reserving some thought of reconciliation.  

The possibility of legal tangles, etc. exists... and I would not rely on that explanation.

Besides, the fact that he was not forthright in telling you EXACTLY what his status was portends that he has had good reason to hide it from you all along.  

Courting a man who is recently divorced brings about enough challenges with regard to being "ready" for another serious relationship so soon.  

And courting a man who is not "even" divorced is the very definition of "complicated."

For all you know, based on the information you have shared, this man could be going home and sleeping in the same bed with his wife. 

What is really going on is subject to hearsay, and he has already demonstrated that he is willing to withhold information from you.

Further, when you challenged him on all of this, what happened? 

He gave you the "Just Be Friends" talk.  

This is further indication that he was mostly (if not only) interested in a hot fling, perhaps because he felt he could get away with it and it was "now or never" given that his separation from his wife is even factual.

Unfortunately Trina, I am not sure telling him how you feel is going to change anything.  

I am, however, pretty sure you did not exactly "scare him away."  

His status is what it is, and what he wants out of life right now is also plain to see.  

If you are looking for a stable long-term relationship, that is neither what he is looking for nor READY for.

Why allow yourself to become even more emotionally drawn in by a man who has no ability to commit to you right now anyway?  

Based on what you have told me, he has now gone so far as to clearly state that he is not interested in that sort of thing anyway... were it even logistically possible.

That all adds up to danger ahead if you choose to remain involved.

I keep telling women that they MUST learn that when men tell you they do not want a commitment or anything serious, they mean it.
There are over six billion people on Earth, and lots of them are men.  

That means you do not have to select a man who is emotionally unavailable...let alone LITERALLY unavailable.

Avoid the drama and the heartbreak and position yourself to meet men who are ready to meet who know what it means to build a great relationship on communication and mutual trust ALONG WITH the fireworks!

And I must also be honest and say this Trina... BIG MISTAKE getting physical with him, although you did not mention sex directly. 

I take what you implied and "yes" you did have sex with him.

It is a BIG mistake to sleep with a man to early when you are courting.

Sex with a man to early makes you a "Booty Call" not a "Girlfriend!" 
Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Does any part or Trina's predicament sound familiar to you? 

Let me tell is time for women everywhere to JUST SAY NO to empty promises and unlikely commitments. 

If you are wanting an "Authentic Man" then be an "Authentic Woman" yourself! 

Is it romantic and fun to think about fairy tales?  

Of COURSE it is.

And allow me to be the first to encourage you to find your very own Prince Charming.

Keep in mind, however, what the plain facts are...   

1)  In order to "live happily ever after" you have to have the RIGHT man in your life, a "REAL" Man and not the "Fairy Tail" man you imagine you are looking for.   

2) You have just GOT to have a clear sense of what you want from a man and how to make it happen.

And now onto the next question form Ariel who asks me.....

"Dear Ange

I've been seeing this guy since October.  Last new year I went out to a club with my girlfriend and he was there with another girl!  I was so upset, but I kept my cool and pretended he wasn't there!  

Two weeks went by when he finally called.  I answered the call he proceeded to tell me that he was sorry, and that he didn't do it on purpose.  He also informs me that I shouldn't have been upset with him because we never established a relationship.  

He told me that he really likes me and wants to hang out and get to know me better.  

Since then we've been hanging out a lot more!  We've been on lots of dates like a trip to Miami, movies, dinners, clubs, even grocery shopping!  

The issues that I have are that I'm a flight attendant and he's a party promoter.  So we both stay busy.  We see each other once maybe twice a week.  I would like to spend more quality time, but I don't want to seem too needy. 

I'm tired of implementing the "Rules"!  Not calling him and letting him call me.  Pretending not to care so much, when I really do.  

Wanting to ask where our relationship is headed.  

Should I ask where it's going, or continue to be stuck in a rut?  

I feel a great connection but when or will he ask for a commitment?!  

I don't want to scare him off! "


My Reply...

Dear Ariel,

Thank you for your message and writing to me.

This is a great question that is on so many women's minds.  

How do you have "The Talk" about where the relationship is heading?  

Some women wonder if it is even necessary to have "The Talk" at all.

Rest assured that is VERY necessary!


First, lets talk about when you should have "The Talk."

1.  If you have been courting for more than 3 to 6 months regularly in person. E-mails and phone calls do not count as courting.

2.  Preferably before you start sleeping together. If you have slept together then any time after that is more than appropriate.

Next, let us talk about how to get the details in order.  

That way, you can minimized potential distractions and/or frustrations.

1.  Choose a quiet private place to talk.

2.  Put yourself into the right frame of mind to be able to engage in as calm and reasonable a discussion as possible, when feelings are involved it is hard to talk sometimes.

3.  Make sure the timing is good for the both of you. There should not be any real time constraints.

I know you might very well be nervous when it comes time, and no matter what empower yourself with the notion that staying stuck in a "rut" is no way to live!

Trust me as this happens to us men too when we are wondering about moving a relationship forward, I understand the fear of talking about moving the relationship forward.  

You maybe worried that he will get scared off and never talk to you again.  

So I challenge you to think about WHY it is important to you to move the relationship forward.  

Doing so will help your resolve in making sure "The Talk" actually happens. 

Do you want be exclusive and feel safe that there is no one else in his life? 
Are you looking forward to getting married and perhaps having kids?

Who of us wants to spend unnecessary time with someone who will never commit to you, if that is your goal?

There is nothing wrong with wanting any of those things.  

Avoiding "The Talk" serves no real productive purpose.  

If YOU are avoiding it then it is to keep from scaring him off.  

If HE is avoiding it then it is to keeping you from leaving.  

If you want to get on the fast-track to "settling," then feel free to continue avoiding "The Talk."

And if you want more out of your relationship, then have "The Talk" with him.

So what exactly gets said during "The Talk?"

I am glad you asked!

Write down your what you want to say.  

Bring your notes with you just in case you get distracted and forget some of the important things to talk about.

Ask him what he would like out of an ideal relationship.

Ask what vision he has for himself a year from now. 

Note here that I did not say for the two of you.  

You want him to be free to answer honestly and from the heart.

Then, state what you want out of life and your view of an idea relationship.  

I suggest to women to let the men know they like, that they do not court anyone for more than a year with out the prospect of marriage.

I also say that they share with the men they are seeing, what they think and feel about relationships.  

I happen to know that when a man knows he has the woman of his dreams he will usually realize it within a year.   

Then ask him his thoughts on the matter.  

What is holding him back from being able to commit to an exclusive relationship in general and/or with you specifically?
Can whatever it is be resolved, or not?  

Was there simply a misunderstanding somewhere along the way?  

Are the differences between you too great for there to be any long-term potential?

Have two or three outcomes in mind along with your actions that follow logically.

For example...
If he cannot envision embarking upon an exclusive relationship with you right now or in the very near future then your action would be to let him know first that you are glad he was honest with you.

And the truth is that you have a different goal in mind for yourself and as much as you like or love him you must move on.

If he is unsure of things, you may want to give him time to think about his goals and what he wants out of life.  

That way he will be able to process what life would be potentially like with or without you are in that picture or not.  

Who knows?  

He may have being wanting to move the relationship forward and was worried that you did not. (See, us men do want to know where we stand too and move things along). 

Having found that you are on the same page, your plan of action could be to stay with him as long as the relationship keeps moving forward in a reasonable way.

Take that step Ariel and you may find the real happiness life has to offer. 

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce 

Now let us deal with Lisa's questions...

"Hi Ange:

I love reading your articles!!  Wondering if you can give me some advise.

Scenario:  I am new to this area I moved to for my job.  The banker who deals with me in my business is very friendly and single...YAY!

He is so sweet.  I am manager/designer of a florist shop.  I have made some really terrific designs for him and he loves my work... gushes over my work, really.  

He recently made an order for his mom and made sure I knew he was single.  He said no luck with the last gal...LOL.

I told him he was lookin' at the wrong gals and called him sweetie...for fun.  

He was very animated on the phone with me, complimenting me and my work over and over again.  

Later on, a day or so later, he saw me in the grocery store and actually bumped my cart with his basket while I was oblivious that he was there...LOL.. surprise surprise!  

I smiled said, "Hey how are ya?" There was some chit-chat and smiling...and then I left.  

The next day I called him to follow up on his mom's delivery.  He thanked me over and over again and gave me the credit for the success of the arrangement even though it was a wireout to another florist.
My question is...should I email him and thank him for being so kind as to say "hi" bumping into me at the grocery store, that he put a smile on my face and that it was so nice to be recognized and spoken to in a place where I am the stranger?  

Or...should I wait to see if he makes a move at the next business after hours get together?  He goes to all of them.  

My way of thinking would be that a contact outside of work may open the door for him to approach me if he is interested knowing that I am open to him...hence the email, opening the door? 

He might be more inclined to approach me then, right?  I think he may be a bit gun shy right now as his last interest blew him off. 

I just wanted to let him know I am approachable and interested in him.

What is the best way to do that without being too forward?  I want him to know it is fine for him to come to me.  

I think in his position (VP at bank) he needs to feel that he took the initiative, but also needs to know I am open to him that way, not just in business.


My Reply...

Dear Lisa, 

Thank you for your message and your question.
Well, it sure looks as if he is interested in you, doesn't it?  

Rest assured, based on what you have told me I am inclined to agree.
He has always made it a point to be nice to you, clearly enjoyed his interactions with you, gone out of his way to say "hello" while shopping and been genuinely glad when you have called him up on the phone.
He has even "gushed" over floral designs, for Pete's sake.  

Tell me THAT is not completely unnatural masculine behavior!   

The only thing he HAS NOT done is ask you out.
Now I realize it is hard to imagine a successful business man wimping out when it comes to asking for a meetup with you. 

After all, you seem by your message a perfectly kind woman. 

In fact you seem super sweet... I am all but sure you deserve a great man!
I realize this is frustrating.  

So let us get inside the mind of the typical man for a brief minute or two.  

That way you can see what is going on.
You mentioned that the last woman he was interested in "blew him off."  

Clearly he was somehow interested in relating that information to you, probably to find out how you would react.  

I think your response was a good one there, and know it or not he probably still saw it as ambivalent.
You see, most men are absolutely PETRIFIED of rejection.  

For a man, becoming vulnerable to a woman he has high expectations for romantically - only for her to turn him down - represents the ultimate in pain and humiliation.  
In fact, I am pretty sure most men would rather go to work in the morning buck naked than to suffer being rejected by a woman flatly.  
And considering that the vast majority of them keep their clothes on in the workplace (thankfully), that is saying something.
Moreover, most women - like you - understand that a man is more comfortable when he has made the "first move."

Likewise, most women also do not want to come off as "forward," lest they look desperate or even "easy."
So what ends up happening is an "attraction dance" that often involves a lot of sound and fury, and in the end goes NOWHERE.
You see, us men are often creatures of logic.  

Life is either black or white.  

Either you are interested (and are clear about it), or you are not.
Meanwhile, you women are mistresses of subtlety, are you not? can flirt with men in the smoothest of ways, only to have it all go right over our heads!
And here is the crazy part.  

The e-mails that I get from man asking... 

"Why don't women just SHOW us they're interested instead of making us figure it out?  

"Why can they just OPENLY TELL US they want us to ask them out?"
The truth is, Women DO...ALL THE TIME.  

And then what?  

You feel rejected yourself because men seem to completely ignore your flirtation.
So there you have it.  

It is not that men are IGNORING you as a women.  

It is that they do not TRUST your brand of subtle flirtation.  

It is really not men's "language."
What is a woman to do?
Well... now that you understand how men often think a bit better, you can become a bit more creative in how you communicate with him.
Instead of telling him that he has been looking at the wrong women, anchor the conversation to YOURSELF more directly by saying that YOU are not the kind of woman who would "blow off" a man like him, and that YOU realize he deserves better.
You may ask him what he is doing for a social life now that the other woman is not in his life any more.  

When he responds, you may suggest to him that he try some fun things that you personally enjoy partaking of. 
Best of all, you might simply come right out and tell him that you are friendly and easy-going, and that you "don't bite."

From there, he may finally get the message.  
If it seems like he is still having an internal "civil war" over taking the plunge and asking you out, the absolute CLOSEST thing to being "direct" while still not asking him out yourself, would be to say to him with a smile, "was there something you wanted to ask me?"
It is pretty amazing you have to go to such lengths with men sometimes, isn't it?
And sometimes that is really what it takes.
So then, if you do not want to wait until the next business after-hours social event I think it would be fine to contact him again soon.  

I wouldd skip the e-mail and call him.  

Instead of saying it was "nice of him" to say hello at the store, I would tell him I was curious as to why he goes out of his way to make conversation with you.  

Then I would wonder aloud... "Is there a reason why you like talking to me so much?  Is there something you've been wanting to ASK me?"

Be like a fisherman (women in your case) you know the fish is there, interested and wants to take the bait and is shy and nervous.

A little bit of finesse here and patience... a gentle tug on the bait to encourage him and he will bite.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

PS Let me know how you get on. 

And now on to the last question  in this edition, which is a very "interesting" question.

So let us crack on...

"Dear Ange,
I want to start by saying I love what you are doing.  I also have a dilemma I am facing lately.
I met this man a few months ago.  We were attracted to each other immediately and hit it off.  Soon after we met during a conversation it was revealed that he has a vasectomy.  

He already has two children....15 and 10. They live about 3 hours away with the mom and he has them every other weekend.  

He is 42 yrs old. Is a teacher and lives on a boat.
Problem is, i don't have kids and I would like to have 1.  I am 37 yrs old.  Once I told him this, he commented that for the right woman, he would reverse the vasectomy.  He said that other woman have also approached him with this issue.
Soon after that discussion, he told me he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me.  He said he doesn't feel a connection as a life partner with me.  

He says he loves my personality, my energy, my warmth, my sense of humor.  He says I have everything a man could want.  

So it makes me wonder if he isn't pursuing me because of the fact that I want to have a child.  

Perhaps after much thought, he really wouldn't reverse a vasectomy. 

This man has been divorced for 10 years and has never remarried.  

And has told me of many women who have left him and gone on to marry other men.  I suspect that the issue of not being able to have kids has cost him several relationships.  

And perhaps he really doesn't want any more but at the moment it comes up he says "yes he does".
He invites me out in a group setting sometimes and we remain somewhat friends.  

We have had sex a couple of times.  I guess we are "friends with benefits"...and I hate being in this position.
I am 37 and starting to wonder of I should give up waiting for a man who wants a family and just go for a good man even though he may not want kids or cant have them.  

But I fear regretting not holding out as long as I can.  I have given  myself until next year to have a family.  

If I am not in a committed relationship which is heading toward marriage by the time I am 38, i figure kids won't happen for me.  

I really don't want to have them past 40.
Meeting this man has made me consider doing it now.  But I keep wondering if in the next year I may meet the one.  

What are the chances, right?  

I know that with him there is no chance, and I accept that.  

But I don't want to lose a potential life mate because of one year.  What's another 12 months, right?


A.B.      Name withheld

My Reply...

Dear A.B.

Thank you for your message and writting to me.
And I am glad you wrote me.  

Many women are facing this issue of wanting kids and feeling like the timeline is short. 
Your feelings on this matter is correct.  

You will most likely resent settling for someone who will not give you children.

Waiting a little while longer can make all the difference in the world when it comes to happiness.  
According to statistics I found through a brief bit of research on Google, about a half a million men choose a vasectomy every year and about 30,000 attempt a reversal.  

That is only 6% of men who change their minds about kids.  

Men do not make the decision to get vasectomies on a whim. 

After much thought and two weeks of suffering through the recovery, it is not something a man takes lightly.
Something to remember - even if you meet someone who is sincere about a reversal - it is not foolproof.  

The pregnancy success rate after reversal is between 30-64% depending on how long it has been since the vasectomy took place and the technique use to reverse it, among other factors.  

That is not the best of odds.  

Plus it is very expensive.
I trust that the man you met a few months ago was sincere about never having any more kids.  

His kids are 10 and 15 years old and he has been divorced for 10 years.  

This means he was not willing to stick around to raise another child.  

Even though he sees his kids every other weekend now, at this age they are relatively easy to take care of.  

The nappies, spitting up and sleepless nights are over. 

Let us do the maths here.  

He left his wife about the time she was pregnant or just after the last child was born because he did not then and still does not want to raise kids.  

Is this the kind of so called "good man" you want in your life?  

A good man will stick around through the good and bad times.  
He is right that there is not a connection as a life partner with you because he will not have more kids.  

It has nothing to do with your personality, energy, or your warmth.  

Simply put, he does not want kids no matter who he meets.  

That is his choice not to have more kids, and it is wrong for him to lead you on by saying that he might change his mind.  

It is a great way to keep you around for SEX, to be honest.  

I am sorry to say that is what he wants from you.  

You are in this position because you choose to remain in it.
If you want to find a great man who wants to find a great life partner like you and have his kids with you, then you need to end this dead-end relationship and go out there and find your happiness.
You said that you do not want to have kids when you get to be 40. 

That means you have 3 years to find your man, which is plenty of time to find a blissful relationship in which both of you want to start a family.  

It is worth the wait.  

After you turn 40 another thing to remember is that you and your new love could adopt.  

If kids are what you want, then do not settle for less.  

Meeting a man who is your match is possible. 
I wish you the best...

Yours Sincerely 

Ange Fonce

Thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!

And that wraps up this issue of Intimate Communion Magazine Questions.

As always leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love, Passion and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

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