How To Navigate Short Term Relationships 

By Ange Fonce

You have met someone you enjoy spending time with and you want more time... more affection... more intimacy... etc.

You find yourself giddy and want to text and talk constantly... you talk in terms of the next “meet up” events and activities you can do together next week... next month... you go from “courting” each other to a more “intimate” relationship without sparing a thought to boundaries or expectations.

Yet what about those relationships you enter into for the time being... what I call the right now relationships?

Those relationships that you know will never really go beyond the bedroom or the occasional pleasant interactions and weekend trips... those relationships in which you share a mutually intimate interest yet you know will never reach the happily ever after so many people crave.

How Do You Navigate Those Waters?

Below are a few hints and thoughts to consider to help you deal with the vast array of emotions and... at times... turmoil that may surface in the right now relationships... having a few of these guidelines in place may help minimize or prevent conflicts and assist you in keeping your perspectives in check.

Boundaries...

It is essential to set boundaries... not only with time constraints and with what behaviours will be tolerated... though you might be willing to cooperate on the actual relationship... your pride and self worth are not up for negotiation... set boundaries on seeing others and how the individual should act in your presence... at home or in public.

It is unrealistic to think you can keep your emotions in check and not be affected by jealousy and self doubts... insecurities will also creep in as you wonder what is wrong with you that the person cannot love you or want to share more... the way you feel they should.

At those times... consciously remind yourself why you agreed to enter this relationship in the first place... whatever that reason may be... remind yourself this is a transitory relationship and meant to help you grow and build your strength... it was never meant to be “happily ever after.”

It is temporary... use it as a practice run to prepare you for a future long term relationship.

Specific Time Constraints... 

Spending all your time in a right now relationship is unhealthy... establish specific times to meet... once a week or bi monthly... stick to those time constraints... it is normal to want to share more time... especially when you are enjoy each other’s company.

And do not lose sight of the perimeters of right now... make the most of your time apart... use it to continue your growth as you interact with others and... ultimately... find the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

You may find that as you grow emotionally... your time in this transitory relationship will become less necessary and will end altogether.

Conscious Awareness... 

I expect in giving your all in any relationship you are involved in... even these transitory ones... why cheat yourself of its full potential? 

Enjoy your amorous feelings and the joy you take in being with that person... remember that he or she is there to help you grow and become emotionally and romantically stronger.

Guarding your heart is not necessary because it will be affected whether you do or do not... instead keep a conscious awareness that this relationship is a stepping stone toward your ultimate goal... use it to analyse how you behave in relationships and what improvements you can make.

Ask this “partner” what things you can do better.

Learn how men and women "think" as you grow in your own knowledge of what you ultimately want to share with another... learn what it is you want from your lover and what you want to share... more importantly discover what you are not willing to accept others behaviours on.

Though I would not recommend focusing on the “end” of these types of transitory relationships... I would recommend having an internal gauge to remind yourself that when either of you are ready to move on... the relationship will end... whether you want it to or not.

The Intimacy...

There is nothing wrong enjoying yourself sexually within right now relationships... yet make sure to take precautions against pregnancy and STDs... never compromise your health and psychological well being by opening the door to potential risks of this nature... in the end... it would backfire on you and create resentment and self worth issues neither of you want.

A right now relationship is not for everyone... and it is perfectly acceptable to enter them... then decide it’s not for you... use them for what they are... an opportunity to grow and have someone in your life for a limited time.

Right now relationships merely require you to be conscious of this fact... enjoy your time together... learn and grow as an individual while you have the buffer of this relationship to cradle you through the void... and when you are ready... you move on.

Unlike relationships in which one individual uses another for sexual thrills or emotional comfort... the beauty of right now is that you are consciously aware of your actions... and theirs... and are able to create a healthy “understanding” in this relationship.

New Study Examines Predictors of Infidelity...

I am not the biggest fan of quantitative survey research... the kind of research that relies entirely on asking people close ended structured questions and then analysing their responses using statistical software... and they do not answer most of the problems do not address the ethical reporting and presentation of the data once they are analysed. Which is why I did not just skim over a release about a new study conducted by researchers at the University of Guelph and Indiana University looking at predictors of infidelity... and instead dug into the content.

The study... which was conducted online... surveyed 918 people who identified themselves as heterosexual and as currently in a monogamous relationship... they asked questions about a history of infidelity and collected other demographic... interpersonal and "personality related" information.

Unlike a lot of previous research on infidelity... they offered a specific definition of infidelity... one that works outside of a marriage and outside of notions of compulsory monogamy... for the study... cheating was defined as engaging in "sexual interactions" with someone other than their partner that could jeopardize... or hurt... their relationship.

The researchers note that gender differences are the most studied aspect of infidelity... and interestingly they found that gender was not a significant predictor of whether someone was likely to have an affair... 23% of men and 19% of women reported having an affair at least once during a relationship.

What they found to be more predictive of whether or not someone would conduct an affair were personality characteristics... men who were more easily aroused and who experience higher levels of sexual performance anxiety were more likely to conduct affairs and relationship satisfaction... women surveyed were more than twice as likely to conduct affairs if they are dissatisfied in the relationship.

The trap of these studies is that before they begin they determine what they think is important... and in the end... they are stuck either explaining why these limited variables ended up being important or not... it would have been nice... for example... if they determined that gender is not the most useful variable through which to read likelihood of conducting affairs... they could have stopped trying to analyse the data by gender.

You can read some of this frustration in the prepared quote by co... author Robin Milhausen... who seemed to be anticipating the media's desire for answers they already believe...

"All kinds of things predict infidelity. What this study says is that when you put all of those things together, for men, personality characteristics are so strong they bounce everything else out of the model. For women, in the face of all other variables, it's still the relationship that is the most important predictor. Taken at face value, this research might seem to just support sexual stereotypes...But the caveat is that there are a lot of variants and factors that are not explained here that might impact whether someone cheats."

I have worked with a lot of individuals... mainly women because that is whom I work with mostly... who have either had an affair or who are conducting an affair.

It is never a simple “right or wrong” issue!

Having short term relationships or conducting an affair... is often a very complex issue.

It is easy to take the easy way and "judge"... it takes a lot more work and commitment to "understand."

What are your thoughts on "Infidelity?" 

Let me know...

As always... leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are truly Passionate and DYNAMIC Lovers!

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

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