How Sexing Can Help In Emotional Healing!

By Ange Fonce

I would like to talk about some of the methods I have learned over the years that I personally use for myself and have helped my clients to develop sexually fulfilling and intimate relationships

One thing I think that is very important is to look at emotions and how it impacts on relationship.

For most women in a relationship they need to feel really appreciated and loved before they desire a lot of sexing and any behaviour that kills the connection between the lovers will tend to kill the desire for sexing.

One of my former female clients commented...

"I feel that the biggest barrier to me wanting to have sex is if I feel hurt by something my partner has said or done. I need to have that loving connection first, which is very difficult if I am in pain. I think that many men may not understand this as they may come to a loving connection by having sex."

Unfortunately most couples are in a battle of having to be right... they like to argue and fight and to be in control and they also try to change their partner in some way... they blame their partner and find all the little faults to put their lover down.

And such emotional behaviour tends to shut down the connection and love between the partners and I have often found that many couples are even in a continued state of low emotional warfare... another behaviour is to pull away by being absent in your heart or mind like watching a lot of porn... drugs... overeating or unconscious masturbating a few times a day is some signs of escaping the relationship on some level... some couples also use sexing to make up after an argument. 

Feelings like love and happiness brings any lovers closer... so I see a clear distinction between emotions and feelings and in terms of a couples harmony I like to separate feelings such as love as positive and emotions such as anger as negative 

Psychologists tell us that emotions are triggered by unresolved past issues usually due to unexpressed childhood emotions so when you get emotionally triggered these emotions surface again and you tend to find someone to blame and you take it out on your partner and feelings such as love arise in the here and now and can bring a couple closer when expressed.

So I suggest the following simple intimacy practice that can totally change your relationship.

Become Aware Of Your Emotions

Say to your partner... 

"I am feeling triggered or I am feeling emotional."

"I need time out or I need to be alone."

Leave the situation and go outside and move and shout and really fully feel and express the emotion... you might need to get rather physical to really get out of your emotional pain... it is important to feel the emotion and let it flow without any physical violence to anything or anyone... hitting a pillow is a method I use to teach my clients to vent their emotional pain and after the emotion has subsided which could take some minutes or even hours then come back to your partner.

The trick is to be observant and see the emotions as they arise and maintain some awareness to follow the above method... this can take a bit of personal awareness... practice and self control... I strongly suggest you place the connection and love in your relationship as of more value as compared to expressing your negative emotions... your insistence of being right even when you are and getting into a habit of blaming your partner... so I feel the key to a conscious relationship is to take responsibility for your emotions... you can learn to avoid giving your partner your negative emotions by taking time out... you can also start to fully express your positive feelings.

If you partner is abusive... violent... very controlling or self destructive I would like to suggest to you that they will never change unless they want to change and seek help in enabling them to change... if not it is time to move on... it is just not worth the effort to try to change someone... you deserve better.

Find someone that you really love just as they are... remember like yourself no one is perfect.

Non violent communication is another process to practice in  your relationships. 

"You always are doing" .. is the usual blame sentence.

I suggest you replace this with "I am feeling..." 

Another key method is to improve your listening skills... I get out of my more usual masculine mode of trying to fix every thing style of communication when I am with a woman and listen calmly... I remember from way back in the past I would offer advice how to improve my emotional partners state of mind and this just made the situation worse and now I know from experience to listen and feel the other persons emotions... if she is not following the above advice of a time out. 

"So you are feeling...?" 

Is a great way to communicate in an emotional situation.

If you start to get triggered by your partner being emotional just follow the take time out technique... set the example to your partner and keep in mind to avoid arguing with an emotional person.

The tantric teacher Osho was one of the first to mention the difference between emotions and feelings and this idea has been expanded in Diana Richardson's excellent book...

Tantric Love Feeling Vs Emotion.

I also recommend her book

Tantric Orgasms For Women.

I highly recommend you check out these books if you want to transform the damage of negative emotions in any relationship.

A tip for men is to put in their calendar the most likely day of their womans period for the next 3 months so he can be a little prepared for this sensitive time in a womans menstrual cycle.

Now I want to share with you a couple of the many self pleasuring practices I teach which focuses and leads to a large increase of lovemaking energy from the following practice as well as much more intense orgasms

Orgasmic Yoga Meditation 

A... Pelvic Floor Workout... 

There are numerous exercises that tone the weave of muscles that comprise the pelvic floor. 

These muscles surrounding the genitals and anus are also known as the PC or pubococcygeal muscles... this weave of muscles is so crucial to sexual health and pleasure that it should be exercised every day forever... there are 3 basic exercises developed by Dr. Arnold Kegel for experiencing and toning the pelvic floor. 

l... Slow Clench... 

Squeeze the muscles of your pelvic floor  or PC muscles as if you were stopping the flow of urine... do this as you inhale slowly and relax those muscles as you breathe out.
Notice especially your anal sphincter muscles clenching and relaxing with each breath... vary this exercise by clenching your PC muscles as you exhale and consciously relaxing on your inhale... experiment to see how these variations feel in your body.
2... Flutter... 

Clench and release the PC muscles with quick panting breaths... play with the clench both on the inhale and on the exhale... be sure to let your breath fall out rather than forcing it out. 

Some women are good at clenching clench muscles and have difficulty relaxing them... you can monitor the release of pelvic muscles by inserting a finger in your anus.
3... Push Down... 

This exercise gently pushes the pelvic floor down... this push may also involve your abdominal muscles... some women may feel anxiety doing this exercise as this movement is used for defecation... you can create your own pelvic floor workouts by varying these three exercises.

Explore differences in rhythm... depth... strength and duration... the elevator choreography is a structure that allows you to play with all three Kegel exercises... pretend you are on an elevator going up... start with a gentle tightening of the pelvic floor... this is the 2nd floor... then relax and imagine that you are going back down to the 1st floor... go up the elevator again and as you reach the 2nd floor tighten your pelvic floor muscles as before... take it even further to the 3rd floor and tighten the muscles tighter... then go back to the 2nd floor and then the 1st floor relaxed...  continue this process up to the 5th floor contracting your pelvic floor muscles tighter and tighter as you go higher in the elevator... at any floor you can stop and step off the elevator by holding the contraction of that floor...  after you have looked around get back on and continue by stopping at each floor on your way up or down.
There is something interesting in the basement so check out the basement by pushing down the pelvic floor... play on the elevator as long as you want as I recommend integrating the pelvic floor movements into your Orgasmic Yoga sessions... you will also benefit by doing these exercises in non erotic situations.
Try a hundred a day of each variation and placing your attention on the movements is as important as doing the movements. 

Most of us do not realize that we place an upper limit to how intense sexing energy can be and you limit the sexing charge in your body thus limiting the intensity and erotic potential of your sexing experience... in part this is due to most of us feeling a lot of sexing energy as tension and we tend to suppress it or want to discharge it and if you are tense the feeling of a lot of charge in your body is very uncomfortable.

Most men discharge the tension by ejaculating during sexing if you are not totally relaxed... when you approach the maximum sexing charge your body can comfortably deal with you generally either back down from the intensity or release it through orgasm

Some guys also have issues of building up enough sexing energy to enable them to go into an orgasm.

The key to peak sexing experiences is to build up the sexing energy in your body in a very relaxed state... this allows the sexing energy to rise without discharge. 

This enables much more energy or even ecstatic pleasure to flow right though your body and it enables peak orgasms to effortlessly arise. 

For a man it can lead to orgasms without ejaculation... this experience does not lead to you wanting to go to sleep! 

For a woman it can lead to multiple orgasms that go on and on rising in intensity and pleasure.

Practice to Expand Sexing Charge

First one needs to build up more sexing energy in your body to stretch and expand your capacity to hold this change. 

It is a bit like blowing up a balloon and repeated filling the balloon makes blowing up the balloon easier each time... so you need to repeat this exercise a few times a week for a month or so to really get the full benefits.

Now you if and when you feel the need to self pleasure yourself ask your partner to do an erotic massage... build up the sexing charge slowly and just before the point of orgasm stop for one hour or longer and at the point just before coming really relax and let go... feel the sexing energy moving in your body... stay very relaxed and open... breathe and make sounds to let the sexing energy move... dance... shake or do whatever you feel like doing to allow the sexing energy to move and if you really relax into the sexing energy the feelings can be ecstatic and you will not feel frustrated at not coming. 

On the next practice session you will find you can hold more sexing charge in your body without succumbing to needing to release through orgasm.

I am not against orgasm and if you follow the above practice you will find your orgasms are much more intense and even can be a whole body orgasm experience and when you really build up the sexing charge and totally let go... it can lead to screaming orgasms that in my experience are totally intense and out of this world.


And remember always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. 

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving... Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Dynamic Lifer... The Tribe of Dynamic Lifers

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright person and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist... Sexologist and Multipreneur... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life... relationships and wealth! 

4... If you are Happy and you Know it... you are becoming a Dynamic Lifer!

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