By Ange Fonce

Intimacy is the creation of a shared trusting space between individuals that is built upon mutual respect and care... intimacy is made when you can share your individual experiences with another who listens and honors your experience... it also comes from having shared experiences in which you give and receive support to each other... intimacy can be equally founded upon sharing pleasure and adversity.

Everyone wants and needs intimacy to different degrees... yet for many... the process of creating intimacy can be fraught with difficulty and disappointment.

Perhaps the biggest problem you might have in creating intimacy with others is reflected in the relationship you have with yourself... if you do not fully love yourself... you cannot fully love others.

For some people... the fear of being entrapped within a relationship and not being able to get out can stop them from coming close to another... you may be afraid of being stifled by smothering love... you may feel unworthy of having intimacy because of a painful experience of not having being accepted in a group at some point in your life.

Feelings of inadequacy can tend to keep you interacting superficially rather than at an intimate depth... fear of allowing other people close to you can create a distance that is hard to overcome... communication is the key to creating closeness in relationship... so if you have any issues in this arena it can be a deterrent to intimacy.

Unconditional Positive Regard...

Perhaps the strongest foundation for creating intimacy is a love for yourself... unconditional love begins within you and then can extend out to others... when love is the foundation... intimacy can be fostered in a mated relationship... a friendship... with your child... or with a parent. 

Fear of Being Stifled By Love...
Some of you have difficulty with creating intimacy with another because you are afraid of being stifled by smothering love... you may have had the experience of having love being oppressive... you might had wanted to run away from intimacy because the underlying fear is that it will be too heavy to handle.

Fear of Commitment...

Some people equate being intimate with being trapped in a relationship... since intimacy often leads to committed relationships... whether a friendship or a mated relationship... many people fear that they will be entrapped or confined...  and have difficulty finding an inner freedom that shows you that intimacy can support... rather than entrap you... feelings of confinement in relationship give way to appreciation and exploration of the joy that arises from real intimacy that is built upon shared experience.

Feeling You Have Nothing Special to Offer...

If you feel that you have nothing special or important to offer others... this feeling might keep you relating to others in a more superficial way... which is the opposite of intimacy... shyness can also be an inhibitor to creating intimacy.

Sometimes even if we see beautiful things about ourselves we reject them or think that they are not really true... we push our own beauty away... we lack the trust of our beauty and softness... as we look and see our inner beauty... this essence of trusting ourselves supports us in finding the strength we need to be able to accept ourselves... we go beyond thoughts that reject our beauty.

Intimacy versus Neediness...

Some people talk a lot... you may go to lunch with a friend who spends the whole time focused on herself and her problems and never ask you about your life... she may think she is being intimate... yet in fact she is feeling needy and self absorbed.

It is difficult to build a foundation of intimacy with someone who does not know how to give emotional support... therapy brings the awareness of the fact that you have emotional needs and that there are healthy ways to get them met without sucking attention from everyone around you... as you experience what healthy emotional support feels like... you are able to give and receive in an appropriate way... Coaching can help you pave the two way street of meaningful intimacy.

Keeping Others at a Distance...

Some people have a deep fear or terror of allowing other people close to them... they hide themselves and their talents from others... there is usually a deep fear that if others saw who they really were... they would find them lacking.

Therapy and Coaching can help you to allowing others close... it supports you in seeing that you are not lacking and are rather full and complete as you are... with this inner knowing... you can patiently allow others to come close.

Risking in Communication...

The main way you create intimacy is through communication... sometimes there are things you want to say and are afraid to do so... you think about how the other person will respond to what you say and you are convinced that he or she will either take it the wrong way or will stop liking you... you cannot control how others will interpret or react to what you say... it is a risk to interact with words... something is built or something is torn down when we communicate.

Building Your Confidence... 

Possessing Healthy Personal Confidence supports you in taking a risk to open your mouth and say what you know you need to say... it is most often true that once you move through your fear and actually communicate from your heart... the other person does not respond in the way you thought... usually she... he really hears what you are saying and meaningful intimacy can be founded.

Emotional Risks...

In healthy relationship building... you share with others... bit by bit... information about yourself while others share with you... as you share things that are deeper and more meaningful to you... it is important that you see how the other person responds before going on and sharing more.

When you share something that is really important to you... it is vital that you pay attention to how the other person responds... are they supportive... emphatic... or do they belittle what you say? 

It is important that you feel good about how someone responds to the things that are important to you before you share more deeply.

Some of us may not have realized this important part of building intimacy and gone ahead... shared too much and been either ridiculed or belittled... this wounding often results in inhibition that precludes comfortable intimacy.

If you find yourself secretly harboring your thoughts... feelings or needs for fear that others will either not understand or will belittle you... working with a Personal Development Coach can help heal old wounds so you can mature emotionally and take the risks necessary to create intimate relationships... part of healing these old wounds can be learning how to share... bit by bit... rather than jumping in all at once.

Intimacy and Sexing...
One of the most intimate experiences we can have with another is through sexing. 

It can be so powerful that some people think that it is the only way to be intimate with another... yet Love... Intimacy and Trust often get confused with sexual passion as being the only way to build deep intimacy with a lover... and working with a Coach can help you resolve confusion with sexuality and intimacy... it helps you in having a sensitive attunement with another so that intimacy can extend beyond the sexing act.

When we have sensitive attunement with another... it creates the foundation for meaningful sexing.

If we have not built comfortable intimacy... we may find ourselves thinking about our performance during sexing... instead of flowing naturally with sexing... we objectify ourselves or our partner... we think about what our next move will be... we wonder if we are pleasing him or her enough.

All this thinking and worry can pull us away from experiencing the physical and emotional connection that is possible with sexual union... the thoughts become more important than sexing itself... when we are so focused on our thoughts... we pull our focus from our bodies and dissociate... to experience the deep pleasure of sexing... we need to be present to focus on physical sensation and spiritual union.

Working with a Coach is excellent for supporting you in resolving sexual addiction as well as helping you be responsible with your sexual impulses... it can help you build a great foundation for experiencing a deeper intimacy with sex and resolving any confusion about the two.

Intimacy and Lust...

Lust is uncontrolled sexual desire... when you want to have sexing more than your partner does... or when the timing of your desire does not correspond to the timing of our partners... how can we deal with the intense feelings that arise?

Personal Self Development and Relationship Coaching can help you have your feelings and honor the feelings and desires of your partner... it supports you in focusing on what works in your relationship rather than feeling at the mercy of your lust.

Holding Back Emotionally...

Learning Deep Intimacy Skills can help you if you have the feeling that you are emotionally more developed than your partner... as a result... you hold yourself back in relationship... feeling that he or she would not understand you... you may feel that your relationship is not really emotionally supportive... and you stay in it anyway... you think that you have tried... and your partner just does not understand. 

Often... the real problem is that you are holding back emotionally and not continuing to nourish intimacy by helping your partner understand your reality and needs.

Intimacy in a Group...

Intimacy is not only for one on one relationships... you can be intimate in a group of people... some of us may feel unworthy of being part of a group because of having been ostracized from one at some point in life.

The teen years are what I like to call the "herd consciousness" years because teenagers spend important time creating social relationships in small groups... many people have unresolved feelings from having been rejected from a group as a teen... the feeling of rejection from a group can come at any age and can leave a lasting conscious or subconscious scar that results in the feeling of being unworthy to be with others.

Personal Development is the central core for healing these deep feelings of rejection and strengthen self love... this essence can help you experience oneness and find your niche within a community.

Would you like to know more of how you can overcome those inner blocks to sharing and deepening "Intimacy?"

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life and wealth! 


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