Do You Always Point The Finger As A Man: Why Blame Kills The Love In Your Relationships

Are you quick to accuse your partner when something goes wrong? 

Here's why you should stop... now. 

Is there a single quality that's vital to the success of every relationship? 

Is there one element that both controls your behaviours and predicts their outcome?

And the answer is a single word: Trust. 

A relationship without basic trust has no security. 

Without trust there's no way to predict another person's behaviours, which can make you feel consumed with anxiety. 

Since we as men can't stand anxiety, we resort to blame. 

And blame kills the love in your relationships.

Anxiety is at the core of why you use blame. 

Whenever you are upset, disappointed or angry because of another person's behaviour (Usually your lover). 

You use blame to discharge the stress of your feelings. 

Bluntly, you dump your upset, disappointment or anger onto your lover when she does not deserve it.

I call it the..... "Blame Cycle." 

Do You Play the Blame Game?

Here's an example:

John is rushing through breakfast, but there's no milk! 

He's pissed and says to his wife, Mary, 

"Darn it, Mary, why can't you at least keep some milk in the house?"

Mary hears John's criticism (he’s accusing her of being too stupid to even buy milk) and instantly gets angry. 

She thinks.....

"As though I don't work hard enough already? How dare he accuse me of being lazy or incompetent!" 

Her anger at being falsely accused triggers a physical reaction in her body and adrenaline accelerates her heartbeat. (It is called "Emotional Flooding" and us guys experience this too).

Rather than replying in a way that defuses the tension, she tries to defend herself. 

"You know, John, I work too." 

But she's also angry so she throws back an accusation. 

"Since when are you so important that you can't buy some milk yourself?"

John is really stressed at work, and Mary's accusation angers him.(he now enters a state of "Emotional Flooding".) 

"Our entire department has been reorganized and I almost got laid off and you expect me to stop and buy milk?!"

This argument is only going to get worse...

Where does the lack of trust come into this discussion? 

Underlying John and Mary's destructive fight about who should buy the milk is the core issue of trust. 

Because John is dealing with his anxiety about his job, the accumulating stress pushes him to lose sight of the fact that Mary is doing her best to take care of her responsibilities.

But Mary's human and she occasionally forgets. John forgets that he, too, is fallible and allows his irritation to blame Mary.

That's why blame is so damaging to any relationship.

Blame is really nasty business because it's actually composed of four negative behaviours: 

  • Criticism, 
  • Accusation, 
  • Punishment
  • Humiliation. 
All four of those are present in the destructive exchange between John and Mary. 

It's not an exaggeration to say that whenever these negative behaviours are used within any relationship, trust is eroded.

And once trust is eroded, love starts to fade and anger and resentment build and come to the forefront in your relationships.

So what's so wrong with criticizing someone for doing something wrong, even forgetting to buy some milk? 

Doesn't John have the right to punish Mary? 

Well, that's certainly the assumption of most people in a relationship. 

And it's this thinking that inevitably creates the "Blame Cycle"...

  • The initial Blame Attack (John's accusation)
  • The Emotional Impact (Mary's anger at being falsely accused)
  • The Reactive Response (Mary telling John to buy his own milk)
This train of events triggers another "Blame Attack" from John when he accuses Mary of being so narrow-minded as to imagine that with all his stress at work he would have the energy to remember to buy milk. 

The end result is that both John and Mary feels less trust for each other. 

Each of them become less certain that their anxieties and fears will be dealt with respectfully. 

Marital Conflicts Spiral Downward: 

Do You Seek to Understand or Blame?

The antidote to all of this blame is simple: 

State your complaint without criticizing or accusing, which is admittedly not an easy thing to do. 

But here's how simply it works. 

"Oh, darn," John says, "there's no milk." Stop. Not a word more.

Since Mary is devoted to John and committed to their success as a couple, she takes on the responsibility. 

"Really? I'm sorry. I forgot." Stop. Nothing more needs to be said. 

Mary already feels bad about disappointing John, and John doesn't need to rub it in. 

John can now do something really powerful....

Take responsibility and go buy some milk for them both, and just simply tell Mary "it's sorted."

And in return Mary can do something very powerful......Let John know how much she "appreciated" him getting the milk.

It may seem such a simple thing.

A carton of milk!

But how often have you let such simple things wind you up and you end up blaming others?

And the result is lots of hurt feelings.

Immature boyish men let their feelings get the better of them.

Mature Masculine Men are aware of their feelings and choose how to respond to the situation they are in.

So what kind of man are you?

The "blaming" kind?

Or an "emotionally" mature man who takes "responsibility" for his own feelings and actions?

Just "think" next time you feel like "blaming" others.

Is it worth it?

Or could you do something completely different and turn a negative situation into a "Win-Win" for both of you!

If you want to know more about Gender Education For Human Relationships.

And as ever...Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. Average men and women know only the rules. Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

What are Your thoughts and ideas?

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