Can You Build A Loving Relationship With No Spark? 

By Ange Fonce

Could you build a healthy relationship... marriage with someone you do not feel that spark for?

I receive many questions from the readers of Intimate Communion Magazine and I often post some of the questions and my replies in a “special edition” of Readers Questions.

Now and then a “rare” question is asked of me... which I think would make a great article in it's own right... and this is one of those questions...

Can you build a loving relationship with no spark? 

One of my readers... who is actually from my home city wrote and asked this question of me...

Jane's Question...

“Dear Ange,

When you are starting to date someone and you enjoy their company, but do not have any real desire for them…how do you know if you should give it time to grow?

Is it foolish to date where there is no ‘spark,’ hoping that will come with time? (In my experience, it has never grown, if not there to begin with).

 
How much time is fair to avoid hurting the other person if you know they are into you, but you don’t return the same level of attraction?

Thank you."

Jane..Portsmouth UK

My Reply...

Dear Jane,

I want to thank you for trusting me with your question and I will offer things to think about and question within yourself... to help you find your answers.

Social Courting is to be fun and it allows you to get to know people in an social intimate setting.

Like any relationship... it should be done as honestly as possible and with integrity. When you are transparent, you allow the other person to know you, and free yourself from trying to be what you are not.

If you pretend to like this man and keep it going when you really are not interested.. that is straight froward deception.

Being honest does not have to be mean, something as simple as... 

“I think you are a really neat man... if he is of course.. and I have some things I need to work out in my own head right now, and I need to take a break from seeing you any more.”

Of course that is my suggestion…you can change it however you want as long as you stay honest and respectful and act with the integrity with your own thinking and feelings... it is not something anyone is to blame for or to feel badly about.

You also asked if spark ever comes when it is not there initially?

There is no one answer to that question, Jane.

In a healthy relationship... marriage... couples may experience their spark growing and dimming only to repeat this cycle.

In “Social Courting” there is the opportunity to find out if there something there to keep you wanting to continue seeing that other person... it is usually "Sexual Attraction" or what most women call “chemistry.”

That leads us to the last portion of your question. When the other person does feel a spark and you do not, how long do you continue the relationship?

This is where you have to become very honest with yourself by asking yourself these questions.

1. What am I afraid of if I let this one go?

2. What specifically and write them down... makes this person void of spark?

3. What specific combination makes me feel a spark?

If you have any further questions to ask me Jane, please feel you can e mail me back

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Now Jane did e mail me and we swooped e mails and I got a lot more details about her... and there was a lot more to “the no spark” she mentioned!

It appeared there was a “bad boy” on the scene as well as a decent man... and the bad boy was giving the “spark”... while the decent man was not.

Now... many women who like bad boys were raised with dads who did not treat their mums very nice... these women may say they would never marry or date a guy like their dad... yet the unfinished business in their heads attracts them to a bad boy like a moth to a flame.

Many mothers who were bored with their partners could not hide their boredom from their daughters... so when their daughters meet decent men... they get cast aside due to the daughters’ fear they will end up bored like their mothers were.

And chemistry is about making babies. 

Attraction though is about the psychology and emotions of what you grew up with... what you saw mentored in your own homes that created your own personal psychological and emotional wiring.

Sexual Attraction when it attracts... is strong and there is that feeling of “chemistry.”

Attraction is about emotions and psychology that grows between two people.

So can a relationship grow to spark... when there appears to be no chemistry?

And the answer to that is YES.

Will it ever feel as intense as a natural first meeting spark?

No... probably not... and yet that "spark" can grow by other means.

Can you build a healthy relationship... marriage with someone you do not feel that initial spark for?

Yes.

Is it easy?

Depends on the two people involved... and also something else... genes.

It is now being understood through studying genetics that genes do switch on and off.

Now... there are many cases of men and women who were “just friends” who woke up one morning and saw their “friend” very differently.

And creating a healthy relationship...marriage takes time work and I doubt anyone would say it was easy.

You cannot build a great relationship based on “chemistry” alone.

I can say that about life in general as life is about learning all aspects of one’s self and some of those experiences are painful.

The answer to these types of questions is difficult... as there are no right or wrong answers.

Some of the best marriages I have ever seen were arranged, and some of the worse relationships I have ever seen consisted of people who had an abundance of chemistry and nothing else in common.

We all talk about chemistry or spark... as a man who is very scientific in seeking to know and understand... I “get” what chemistry is... ultimately it is about making babies.

“Attraction” is not so easy to define... for some... attraction means the other person is “cute” or “hot”... for others it may mean they "attracted" by an intellectual connection or they share a sports or career interests.

When you are Social Courting... it usually implies that you are meeting people and when someone catches your “attention”... you want to “court” and see again.

I cannot imagine getting dressed and ready to go to a play or an event with someone for whom I felt little interest in... even if she was “super hot”... or with whom I did not want to be with in a sexual... emotional and psychological way.

Although I do get dressed up as a matter of self pride and respect for myself.

There are many ways to create and form a relationship... not just on “chemistry” alone.

So... let me ask you a question...

Have you ever felt MESMERIZED and LOST to a man? 

The "Blind Side" To Chemistry

I often write about what women can do and say to mesmerize a man... yet  have you ever felt that way about a man you just met?

Maybe he reminded you of someone.

Maybe he was exactly your "type?"

Maybe there was something about him that just lured you in... and you did not know why.

He may not have been all that handsome or all that charming or even all that "smooth."

Maybe none of the "usual" characteristics that would attract you were there...yet you could not help yourself... you felt yourself being drawn to him and wanting to be around him... you allowed yourself to daydream about him... and sometimes you wondered what in the world you SAW in him... it was almost some kind of strange... magical force that was pulling you in.

NOW... imagine if a man felt that way about YOU.

You are the mysterious... magnetic woman he wants to be near... you make him nervous.

He spends his days thinking of ways he can contact you... or ask you out... and if he is already courting you... spend an evening looking deeply into your eyes and caressing you.

There are reasons why men and women fall in love... the problem is... that you as a woman do not really understand or know why a man falls in love with you... you THINK you know.. yet you are wrong so often.

When you find yourself drawn to a man... you think you need to let him know you are interested somehow... or you need to make the first move if he is not doing it himself... or if he is already courting you... you look for ways to please him and impress him... like buying him cards and gifts... or making him gourmet dinners or being extra passionate and sexy in the bedroom.

In trying so hard... you sometimes end up turning him off because you come off as desperate... or like you are chasing him... because you are!

Meanwhile... all it took was a look, a gesture... something you said that would have got his attention... if only you knew how to trigger that deep emotional impulse in him...

I cover what makes a man fall in love with a woman... how to use your own natural feminine charms to magnetize and mesmerize a man without trying too hard... or chasing... or making the first move.

Here is an email I received from a Dynamic Lifer who is working with me, and I am coaching her in Dynamic Life Development Systems... she is already feeling a big difference in the way men pay attention and respond to her.

Notice especially how she is not DOING anything in particular... she is just allowing her inner Femininity to glow... and letting the new confident "vibe" she has developed shine through using the knowledge and the methods she has learnt through our work together...

"Dear Ange,

I wanted to share what I have learnt from you and the methods you have taught me are already working for me.

The other morning, there was a very handsome man at my table. I felt uneasy and awkward and the conversations around the table (with the other guests) were struggling. I went into the kitchen and took some deep breaths. Then I remembered the "Calming Method" you taught me. I moved my hand on my heart and took slow deep breaths and spoke to myself softly "I am relaxed and I need to breathe!"

Then I grabbed another pot of coffee and kinda jokingly said to myself, "You'd better get back out there so that guy can breathe!"

I re-entered the breakfast room, still feeling nervous. The handsome man immediately made eye contact with me, complimented me on the muffins and began to ask me questions about the house, my business, etc. The other guests joined in and we ended the morning with a very comfortable, friendly atmosphere. He was still making very strong eye contact when he checked out later in the morning... like he was intrigued by me.

I have also been noticing men making eye contact with me as I go about my normal routines. Just today, in the library, a complete stranger who was using the computer near the bookshelf I was looking at, turned halfway around in his chair and smiled at me! 

I hadn't said a word... hadn't even noticed him there! 

I was surprised and started to look away, and then I caught myself and gave him a warm smile back.

So far, these are just little things, and they are building my confidence that my vibe is changing and that men are noticing me. 

Thank you for trusting in me and for showing me a MUCH better way to live. --

Blessings."

Amy... San Diago... USA

If you are reading this and wondering... 

"How do I get his attention?" 

If you are interested in a man from afar, or in a relationship where he has started to sort of drift off.

Or your man is taking you "for granted" or even actually pulling away... or if you are worried that he is becoming interested in other women... or his job is taking over all his time... or he has some "reasons" why he does not want to move forward in a real relationship with you and it is feeling awful and  you feel like you are stuck.

Then please do Contact me.



As always... leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.

Average men and women know only the rules.

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are truly Passionate and DYNAMIC Lovers!

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

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