Are You Really There In Love With Your Lover? 

By Ange Fonce

Imagine there you are with your lover... you maybe enjoy the “physical sex”... even having “orgasms”... and yet something is missing?

The “emotions”... the "intimacy?"

Have you ever had those sexual experiences where you or your partners felt they were out to lunch while you were having sex? 

Maybe you were waiting for the sex to be over... “thinking” about the grocery list or watching the wallpaper... or perhaps it was your partner who was somewhere else... maybe he or she seemed preoccupied... seemed to be “thinking” of something else... or it seemed like nobody was home... it can be an especially terrible experience when you “feel” this lack and ask your partner something like...

"Are you here?" 

"Are you thinking about something else?"

And get the response... 

"What you are talking about... I am fine... what is wrong with you?"

Even if the “passion” is hot... the “orgasm” is good and the person is someone you like... the lack of “being there” can leave the sex disappointing at best and empty at worst... although we humans have all kinds of sex... from “recreational” to “spiritual”... on some level we have sex to “connect” with another human being... if being with another person did not matter... we would stick to “masturbating.”

Most of us do not talk about being “present” or “checked in”... or otherwise during sex... mostly what I hear from men and women is that they “notice” the “lack of being there” and then suffer with it alone... you may decide it is not a big deal and just fill in for the person... act as if your lover is with you... or you may not know “how” to ask your partner to be “present during sex”... or not “know” how to be there yourself... so what is even “important” about being “present”... or “checked in” for sex?

Dissociated Sex...

Many people experience “checking out” or not being very “present” for sex... this is called “dissociating.” 

Dissociating is a sense of “removing” or “numbing” yourself to others... it is leaving your “sensations... emotions” and “connection” to yourself and others behind... you can “experience” this in many aspects of life... not just sex... some men and women make a “lifestyle” out of it.

Dissociation sometimes becomes more “obvious” during “partnered sex”... because that is a time when we are open to another human being in a way that leaves us more “vulnerable” than usual... some people describe “dissociation” as being caught up in their heads without “contact” to the rest of their “bodies.” 

Others talk about “floating outside” of themselves... being out of their bodies all together... still others talk about “pulling away” from the surface of their skin... pulling themselves deep inside where they cannot really be “touched”... many people only “notice” how removed they are with the contrast of a more “present experience.”

Dissociation at its core is a “bodily” or “physiological” phenomenon... the breath tends to get shallow in the upper chest... the small muscles in the body contract... so that blood flow is constricted and there is less “sensation” and “emotion”... the change of breath and muscle contraction can cause a sense of “floating away”... or not being able to “connect with” or “notice others” as a separate three dimensional person... “dissociation” is an “automatic bodily response” that you can have little control over... it can be brief or last over years depending on the cause and need for protection or shutting down.

People “dissociate” for lots of different reasons... it is an “automatic physiological response” to high stress... danger... threat... or trauma... the threat can be large or small... real or imagined... the person needs only “perceive” it as “potentially dangerous” from them to “dissociate”... for some this is a new situation or just the fact of being “revealed” or “vulnerable” and not necessarily a physical threat... for some people “dissociation” can be an “automatic response” left over from hurt or trauma that happened in the past... the “dissociation” can linger.

We are also “culturally trained” in it... our schooling... religions and the violence we constantly live assault our “senses” into a very “mental” and at times “anaesthetized relationship” to ourselves... our bodies and other people and the world... what I mean by this is that our cultures do not promote a life of being inside of and connected to our “sensations” and the “information” that comes from our bodies and “physiology”... we have been “conditioned” to “think” of ourselves as a “brain” atop a “body.”

Being Present is the Deciding Factor...

Presence is the “deciding factor” for “intimate... satisfying” and “connected sex” and sex over time with the same partner... new positions and “creative expression” are “important” to the “quality” of “intimate sex”... and if you or your partner are not “present” or “checked in”...  then other factors in the “relationship” do not matter as much... and it may be difficult or impossible for a relationship to last or "intimacy" grow if one partner is not “present” during sex.

If you are in the process of recovery from abuse or trauma... learning to be “connected” to your own “body... sensations” and “emotions” is a cornerstone of healing... coming back into yourself by “contacting” your “sensations” and “emotions” will allow you to move through the pain and let it leave your body... you learn to respond to the “present” rather than “automatically dissociating” out of the past hurt or trauma.

When you are “checked in” you can “feel” your own “sensations... emotions... boundaries”  and sense of what you “care” about... you can be in the “experience” you are having rather than just “thinking” about it in your head... the other great piece about being “present” is that you can pay “attention” to your partner as well as yourself... when we live in a “dissociated state” it is easy to have people become living symbols in our minds... instead of real flesh in our beds with us.

You can feel the difference of “presence”... most people talk about a “magnetism” or sense of ease or “trust” that they notice when someone is present with them... there is a “different possibility” for being “connected”  and having a sense of “meaning... depth” or “playfulness.”

Learning how to be Present...

Being “checked in” or “present” is a “learned skill” that takes practice... if you are used to being off somewhere else during love making it may seem strange at first to have your “attention” on your “experience”... to practice being “checked in”... bring your “focus” and “attention” into your own “body... sensations... emotions” and “thoughts”... while attending to yourself in this way... also pay attention to your partner... practice “paying attention” to both yourself and your partner at the same time.

Notice how long can you stay “present” before you want to float off again... if you find yourself wanting to be away from the “experience” instead of being “present” for it... see how that makes you “feel”... there may be “information” there for you to “learn” from... to get really good at being “present” during sex... practice “noticing” and “feeling” yourself from the neck down in your everyday life.

Because the “practice” of “checking in” during sex may be the best thing you ever give to your sex life and “intimate relationships.”

Do you suffer from "intimacy" and "sexual" problems?

Do not suffer in isolation alone... you can Contact me.

As always... leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are truly Passionate and DYNAMIC Lovers!

Yours Sincerely


How Emotions Affect Love Sex And Intimacy 

By Ange Fonce

I would like to talk about and share with you some of the keys I have learned over the years that have helped many of my male clients to develop a sexually fulfilling and intimate relationship with their lover and partner.. 

If you are a man, learning these skills will lead you to a much more intimate and full filling sex and relationship for you and your lover.

One thing I think that is very important is to look at emotions and how it impa...

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How Sex Can Help The Power of Intimacy in Emotional Healing!

By Ange Fonce

I would like to talk about some of the methods I have learned over the years that I personally use for myself and have helped my clients to develop sexually fulfilling and intimate relationships. 

If you are a guy, learning these skills will lead to as much sex as your desire.

One thing I think that is very important is to look at emotions and how it impacts on relationship.

For most women in a relationship, they need feel really appre...

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Are You "Intimate" "Sexual" and "Loving" with your own Body? 5 Tips to Help Improve Your Body Image

By Ange Fonce

Having a poor body image means that you view your body in a negative light... you look at yourself and see only the negative.

This often occurs when people with low esteem only see their physical flaw... most often when they look in the mirror.

In sex therapy practice... body image is often one of several issues that interfere with a person’s ability to enjoy sex and intimacy.

There are multi...

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