"Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions.

"She just won't commit to just me. What do I do?" 


Hi and Welcome to this months issue of "Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions. 

I've got two great questions to answer in this article of a similar theme, one from a man and one from a woman, and I'm pretty sure the advice I'm going to give each of them will be a bit controversial to most people.

So lets crack on....

QUESTION: Alex asks? 

"Ange, I dated an amazing girl for two years and then we broke up. She started seeing somebody else but then hooked back up with me and told me that her and her current guy have an open relationship.

She sleeps with both of us. She tells both of us she loves us and she says she wants to to play around and have a lot of sex. She's 25 and I'm 35. I text her all the time but she just won't commit to just me.

What do I do?"

Alex NY USA

ANGE ANSWERS...

Hi Alex,

Difficult place for you to be in. And I've been getting a lot of those "how do I get him/her to commit" types of questions.

Here's the deal as I see it:

1. She's being honest with you about what she wants and as far as I can tell she's not lying or playing games when it comes to her desires.

2. With that 10 year age difference the two of you are at significantly different stages in your lives. Most likely when she's 35 she won't still be in "exploration" mode of her "sexuality", but right now she is and you've got to respect that even if you're more interested in something monogamous and long term.

3. Where I think she's going off the rails is in telling both of you that she loves you.

I have friends in open relationships and the way it usually works for them is that the "LOVE" word stays between the couple (while they sometimes have sex with other people.)

Honestly, I think you should get out of this situation. She's young and exploring and in that mode we all go through at that age. She's barely formed as a person and isn't the woman she's going to be yet. You seem like a decent guy and this is obviously beating you up.

Break it off.

I know that is short and sweet Alex.

But.....I want you to "Think" about this "Question?"

Where is the "Respect" for yourself as a "Man" in this relationship?

Break it of, sort your life out Alex and go find yourself a good "Quality" woman who wants to be in a "one to one" relationship with you.

There is a lot of women looking for a "Good" Man.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce



Now lets move on to the next question where Cristina asks me. . .

"First of all Ange, thank you so much for compiling such great information in your articles. Much appreciated!

I do have some problems though in applying some of your suggestions.

Here is the question: can a sex friend become boyfriend material?

I have this friend with benefits since August. You set the rules pretty clearly at the beginning, no feelings, we are friends who have added the "benefit" that's it. After a while, though, we have started getting attached, and actually David was the first one saying he started "liking me too much".... and same apply to me. But he still does not want to commit, yet he calls me almost every day, we send each other text messages or emails every day.... is there anything I can do, without scaring him, in order to take it to the next level, and see if we can date?

I have not found anything in your online material regarding this. Do you have any suggestion? I hope to receive a feedback from you."

Cristina. London UK

ANGE ANSWERS.....

Hi Cristina,

Thanks for your kind words and yes, you wont find any material on this subject on this website for the meantime. I have not written and published anything dealing directly with "friends with benefits" although I have touched on the subject when it comes to "committed" relationships.

It's is on my writing agenda.

However lets deal with your question now.

Here's the deal: If you want to turn a "friends with benefits" situation into a dating situation you need to basically kill the relationship you've got now and define a new one.

That means calling up David, meeting with him in a public place (where you won't be tempted to just fall into bed together) and flat out telling him what you really want. 

Then, if he's up for it, you start dating. And for at least that first week or two of dating I'd recommend you DO NOT sleep together.

You can do everything but, but you need to get to know each other and re-categorize each other in your minds.

And if you lay down the law and give him an ultimatum (dating or nothing. No more freebe sex)  and he walks away, you need to accept that. If you just keep sleeping with him, he'll have no motivation to actually change the relationship.

You have got to take the risk Christina when you want to change "friends with benefits" to a more committed relationship. That the other person does not want to change themselves. And you have to accept that Christina and move on and find yourself a man who wants to be in a "committed" relationship with you.

Let me know how you get on.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

One final comment from me to wind up this article...

Relationships are Based on Creating a FUTURE together. 

The value of our relationships goes up and down over time. A big reason for this is because our expectations about our future together are constantly shifting.

When there are plans and expectations about what you and a partner are going to share or do in the future the importance of the relationships seems greater.

When there are no plans or expectations, the relationship is less important.

Humans are motivated by future expectations naturally.

Many relationships fail because people stop doing what they were doing when they first met each other. When you first meet and get romantically involved you make plans, both of you are creating expectations about the future. You are talking about potential things you will do together. Potential plans. In lots of subtle and more concrete ways.

When you are in a relationship remember to always make an effort to 'create future' between you constantly. 

It rejuvenates and energizes the relationship. 

And practically speaking, that completes this conversation.
 
And remember....always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. Average men and women know only the rules. Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love, Passion and Intimacy.......

Catch you later

Ange Fonce

What are Your thoughts and ideas?

"Use the Comments box below to tell me what you think (even if you disagree with me).  I really appreciate it when people reply with thoughtful comments. Honestly, it makes my day. Either way I will be glad to hear from you." ~ AF

RECOMMENDED FURTHER READING...

The "Taboo" OF Polyamory And Sexing Multiple Women - Part 1 


Why Relationships Change After Dating To Being In A "Committed" Relationship.

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