"Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions. "I'am The Woman He Will Never Get Over" "What About Money And Relationships?" Plus More.

In this issue of "Intimate Communion" I answer e mails from readers who ask me questions dealing with dating and relationship issues that women often experience with men.

Mary sent in an email asking: 

"Ange, I'm devastated and I need your help. 

My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago. We'd been together for 3 years. He never cheated or anything like that but for after a year of fighting all the time and feeling like we were never going anywhere in our relationship I finally just got fed up and dumped him.

I wanted him to fight to get me back. I wanted him to show me how much he loved me and needed me. I wanted him to do ANYTHING to have me again.

But now my friends tell me he's been out with other women (plural!) in the last couple weeks. I think he's even slept with some of them. The thought of even TOUCHING another man right now just makes me sick and I can't even imagine how he can do that to me after all we had together.

So here's my question:

How can he move on so quickly while  I'm stuck here feeling so awful and mourning what we had? It makes me feel like he never loved me in the first place. It makes me feel like he never even cared."

Mary.....USA


 
My Reply...
 
Hi Mary . 

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

OK, first off BREATHE. 

Breaking up with someone you care about can be as devastating as getting dumped and you're doing the right thing by taking the time to mourn your relationship before moving on.

Now, why is your boyfriend able to "move on" so much faster than you?

Well, there's a couple reasons:

1. Is "Culturalization." That's a really fancy word for "In western culture, men don't cry."

While it's totally acceptable in our culture for a woman to become very emotional around a break up, to cry and to mourn the death of a relationship, men are held to a very different standard (and are trained from a young age to "swallow" every emotion except for anger.)

It could be that your boyfriend is absolutely devastated by the break up but just doesn't have the emotional tools to deal with it. So he's going out drinking with buddies and picking up girls as a way to deal with his pain and reaffirm his masculinity after being dumped.

2. Is "Compartmentalization." 

Sex doesn't mean the same thing to men as it does to women (and it's not even really kept in the same part of the brain.)

In your boyfriend's brain "missing you" and "sleeping with other girls" aren't mutually exclusive. 

So even though the idea of even touching another man is disgusting to you right now, that's just not how your ex boyfriend's brain is wired to work.

Is it "disrespectful" for him to hop into bed with other women so quickly?

Possibly. 

But from his point of view he got dumped, is "free" for the first time in years and this is his chance to go out and "sow his wild oats."

OK, now that we've covered that stuff, let's talk about the real question:

Does his "moving on" so fast mean he never loved you?

And the answer to that one is a really simple and resounding "no."

It doesn't mean anything of the kind. In fact, I'd say that nothing about his behaviour really suggests he's "moved on" at all. It just means he's dealing with his anger and his sadness and his disappointment and his confusion and his primal desire for other women (a desire ALL men have) in a way you'd rather he didn't. 

The fact is, you broke up with him. And even though you hoped he'd fight dragons to get you back, you can't control what he feels, what he wants or what he does.

The only thing you CAN control is your reaction.

So take time for yourself. 

Push him and these "other women" out of your head. 

Realize that it's totally possible he's in as much pain as you are right now and really focus on your own healing.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And here's another  question from Sally through my messages on Facebook:

Sally asks . . .

"Ange, what about MONEY and relationships. My boyfriend is unemployed. Should I lend him money to help him out?"

Hi Sally,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

Money in relationships (especially with men's who's pride can get all tied up in their earning power) is a BIG topic, but here's a the short answer:

Never (under any circumstances) lend your boyfriend money. Having one partner owe another partner financially creates a crazy power imbalance in the relationship and can lead to resentment. 

If you want to help your boyfriend out, help him out by giving him a gift (and making it very clear that you don't expect to be repaid.)

If he feels the need to repay you later, that's fine. But don't EXPECT it or demand it. 

And make sure you're not dealing with some one who's looking for a free ride.

Yours Sincerely 

Ange Fonce

Now to the next question where Melanie asks me....

"Dear Ange,

Firstly I must say how much your website has helped me in the short time I have been reading it. You have articulated many things for me and struck many a chord!
I wanted to ask you about a man that I know and seek your insight about him. It is also important for you to know that I have been doing a huge amount of work an myself as a result of domestic violence. I have been working hard to break patterns of behaviour in order to attract the kind of man who deserves me and whom I deserve. I believe now, that I deserve better.
I am a teacher and have met a teacher ( the vice principal in fact!) whom I find compelling on many levels. This is the first time that I have ever felt such an attraction for a colleague and an equal.
My observations suggest that he is interested - I have caught him sneaking glances at me, he is open with me in conversation. We talk quite openly - he has shared personal information about friend of his who is having a breakdown for example. I have a child and he has engaged in conversation about her and social things. When we talk I notice that he does watch me, others have said that he follows me with his eyes around the room when we are on duty together. Last week he actually sat with me and ate his lunch and his body language was very open, facing me directly and asking the students to leave us alone as we were talking!
There are many other examples that I couls cite - he comes to my room to respond to work related emails rather than replying, he lets me tease him good naturedly and he has said that he finds me hilarious! I have one other trusted colleague who says she has observed him looking at me when I am completely unaware.
My intuition tells me there is a connection but I am unsure how to create the safe space to encourage him. He is shy, professional and has a lot of integrity, a man I respect enormously. I would not want to jepordise that or our respective careers.

Thank you for your insight and opinion."

Melanie......UK



My Reply...

Hi Melanie,

Thank you for you message and enquiry and your appreciation of my articles, that they have been useful for you is very much appreciated by me too.

Now to the nature of your message.

First I will say you express yourself clearly and you know what you want Melanie. You are reading this gentleman correctly. You know his intentions from his clear and transparent behaviour.

It is also positive that you both talk and share openly with each other. It is one of the main qualities I insist on in all my clients I work with.

To be open, confident and "Authentic" as yourself.

How ever I will say...Don't rush, take your time. There is a lot to be said for good old fashioned "Courting"...Getting to know each other as Human Beings...Building trust, to know each other and feeling relaxed and comfortable in each others company Melanie...Sex is to be the cherry on the cake.

To many modern relationships is about sex first, then finding out later on that really you don't like that person.

I strongly suggest Melanie you spend time getting to "know" each other, building trust and deepening "intimacy". Sex will natural happen and more likely will be far more enjoyable and fulfilling as you have spent time building those emotional and psychological bonds.

Be sensitive to each other needs.

As for building a safe place...That answer is very simple...Be you Melanie, be the Authentic You!

He will sense and feel that in you.

There is one thing above all others that a Man wants to feel in a Woman, Melanie...More than sex, even more than love.

That he can "Trust" her....And that is exactly the same as a woman wants to feel in a man...Trust!

Trust is the foundation stone for building a successful, deep and fulfilling relationship Melanie.

The only issue I would like to bring to your attention. Is that when you enter an "intimate" relationship, you both have to make a clear distinction, boundaries between your personal and professional lives.

I know from personal experience, that if this distinction is not agreed upon and understood by you both it can lead to messy complications in your personal relationship.

How ever I know personally couples who have successful personal professional careers and enjoy a great relationship and mutually support each other.

And in my case the ending of that particular relationship.

I am a professional myself Melanie and have a clear boundary between my personal and professional life. And it works successfully.

I will say take your time. I will also say, he may well be considering the same issues you have mentioned in your e mail.

He is attracted to you and likes you, maybe shy, but he is giving the signals which you are reading.

However, both of you have the added dynamic of being in the same profession in the same establishment. If you are thinking about this Melanie, so will he be.

Start seeing each other out side of work.

You mentioned about creating a safe space for him. Where is that safe space going to be...Outside of work!

Not only a safe space for him, also for yourself too. Where you can relax and drop the professional teacher and be the woman you are. And he can relax too. So you both be able to get to know each other in a more relaxed and intimate way.

I will end this e mail now Melanie by thanking you for contacting me and your trust in sharing with me.

If you have any further questions then please feel free to contact me.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce
 
And now an email from IcHa Mk and she asks a very common question that a lot of women experience with men...

"Hi,
first of all..i would like to apologize if my english is not good..im from malaysia and my english language is just moderate...
I have this problem with tis guy..at first he seems like he likes me a lot..he pay attention for me..he fulfilled all my request..he spend time with me..but then, three weeks ago he withdraw from our relationships.i dont know why he suddenly do that. i keep thinking is it because of me or this is the normal process for him to develop his feelings? now im leaving him with his world i did not contact him at all. i wish that he will contact me first. what should i do to get him back? i really like this guy..and furthermore we already discuss about our future before although it is just a casual conversation on that time but i believe man would not discuss about marriage with the girl that he does not have feelings for right? please help me. i really want to make things right for us."
 
IcHa MK........Malaysia



My Reply

Hi IcHa,

First, thank you for your message and contacting me.

Now this is quite a common thing with men Icha and is a natural process a man can go through with a woman.

I have covered this subject in a few articles as this is a common question I often receive from women.

So instead of writing out a whole e mail to you Icha. I have included the links to these articles below.....


Now I would like you to consider some Questions Icha, you said this guy fulfilled all your requests.

However what about you Icha, have you fulfilled his requests?

Now another question Icha..........." i keep thinking is it because of me or this is the normal process for him to develop his feelings? now im leaving him with his world i did not contact him at all. i wish that he will contact me first. what should i do to get him back?"

Have you thought that he maybe thinking the very same about you Icha?

That he may be "thinking" that he has upset you in some way, that you have a problem with him?

Also where is the "rule" that says you cannot contact him?

Find out how he is?

You are wondering and making assumptions about him...When you don't really know what is going on with him, nor he knows what is going on with you?

If you are not talking to each other...How can you know, "how" each other is feeling?

What is to stop you giving him a call...A simple call to ask how he is and that you have missed him and would like to meet up for a coffee or tea?

I do not know of any rule Icha that says a woman cannot contact a man?

That is all it may need Icha...A simple phone call instead of all this agony of thinking and assuming to find out what is really going on for him.

And I said phone call Icha....Don't text.

I have covered some of these areas in the the articles I mentioned above.

I would recommend you read them. 

I cover many points about the mistakes women make with men in relation to you question Icha.
 
If you have any further questions Icha, then please feel free to contact me.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce
 
And finally a question from Nicole, she asks me...

"Hi Ange,
I came across your blog online. Here is my situation:
I met a guy at work (I know...never a good thing, right). Slowly over the months our friendship developed.....to the point we
were hanging out outside of work, confiding in each other about many personal things, etc. Admittedly, there was a mutual attraction and chemistry but we never acted on it or discussed it. In the past month, things progressed. One day we hung out at the beach and ended up kissing. 
The connection was INTENSE. He kept saying how fascinated he was with me, that I was like no other woman he's known and how I'm the only one he's hanging out with in his free time (he's a doctor with a very chaotic schedule). Over the next two weeks, we spent our free evenings together.
There was physicality involved, but ultimately no sex. We both agreed sex too soon would be wrong. After spending the night at his house one night (we both had too much to drink), he has started to pull away. At first I didnt take it personal and gave him his space. But the distance has grown and he has been colder with each day that passes. I finally asked him about it and he said "he so overwhelmed with all the obligations in his life" and isn't sure if now if we should
be hanging out or not." Then accused me of causing drama. Not understanding where this was all coming from, I said ok backed off and haven't contaced him...that was over a week ago. He texted me today to say hi and asked my plans for the weekend. I told him I had a blind date (which was true). He tried to act like it was great that I was going on a blind date and was trying to give me tips, but later texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out.
Is this guy just using me/playing with my emotions? Or does he really like me, got scared and is now jealous that I might be moving on?
From the beginning I have never felt like he just wanted a "booty call" because initially we just started out as friends. And over time we grew close, but he never made a move until recently.
I'm so confused....and need help!"

~Nicole...USA



My Reply...

Hi Nicole,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me with your problem.

The most important part of your email is right at the end....

"Is this guy just using me/playing with my emotions? Or does he really like me, got scared and is now jealous that I might be moving on?

From the beginning I have never felt like he just wanted a "booty call" because initially we just started out as friends. And over time we grew close, but he never made a move until recently."

First of all though Nicole, they is nothing wrong with you "Dating" and meeting other men. I say this as I ask, "are you in a serious "relationship" with this man?"

What often happens with men when they start getting involved with a woman is quiet a few things......

A man will seem really excited to be with you, he'll ask you out, maybe even bring you flowers, call all the time, even get intimate and then... something shifts and he pulls back. He stops making plans like he used to, and you start to feel like you did something wrong or that he doesn't like you as much any more.

Here's an insight about men that's fascinating and strange and that, once you understand it, is going to stop a lot of the pain and frustration you experience with dating and relationships.

When a man gets truly close to a woman and deeply intimate for any extended period of time, he loves that feeling and wants more of it. But the strange part of this is that the moment a man experiences this period of intense closeness, he will take some space for himself.

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it's how most men work emotionally. Most men will actually seek some amount of space to "recover".

It's kind of like how after a muscle gets worked out it needs to rest before it can grow stronger and be active again.

Men can become distant even in good relationships, and if you know what to do, you can keep your guy physically and emotionally engaged... even when he needs time to recover.

And there's another reason why a man might withdraw that has nothing what so ever to do with you.....

He lacks "Sexual Confidence" in his Masculinity!

Although you mentioned that you had both agreed.....

"We both agreed sex too soon would be wrong. After spending the night at his house one night (we both had too much to drink), he has started to pull away."

Now for me, when you have both been spending time together, flirting, petting and getting intimate...Sex between you both, would have been the next natural step.

But here you have a "Red flag"..."He has started to pull away." 

Now this is a common thing with men who suffer low-self esteem and sexual confidence.

I will be honest with you Nicole, a sexually confident man would want to take you and ravish you at the first opportunity that you wanted that to happen.

Now this man is a doctor, and as a doctor he maybe a confident and competent man. But when it comes to women, he lacks confidence in his Masculinity and sexuality as a Man to be able to take you!

And here is another reason and this one is a "Big Red Flag" the sign of the "Nice Guy!"

"He texted me today to say hi and asked my plans for the weekend. He tried to act like it was great that I was going on a blind date and was trying to give me tips, but later texted me asking me if I wanted to hang out."

Are you serious Nicole?

I have to ask some questions here,

First, yep it's cool, you are still going out dating. However if I phoned up a woman I was seeing (Note: "Phoned" not text) I would be saying "drop the date, your coming out with ME!"

Take you out and that night ravish you!

Not trying to give you "tips" and you want to "hang out?" This I will be brutal in saying is typical "mr nice guy" behaviour.

Where are the signs he wants YOU?

Second, these are "Questions" for you Nicole, because no doubt, just by you writing this e mail to Me. Your woman's instinct is ringing the warning bells!

I have to ask you 4 simple questions.........

First, Do you "FEEL" this is a confident Man?

Second, Do you "FEEL" this is a sexual assertive man?

Third, Do you "FEEL" you can "TRUST" this man's Masculinity?

Forth, Do you "FEEL" you could build a "Future" with this man. Invest yourself in him?

These are 4 very simple "questions" Nicole............Can you say "Yes" to any of them?

I suggest you carry on with your life, carry on "dating" and meeting other men. And see where it goes with this man?

Keep your "options" open Nicole.

If he really desires to be with you Nicole, he will make it clear. He is the man, it is his place to confidently lead. And if he doesn't.......Is that the kind of man you want to build a future and be "intimate" with?

And I have not mentioned up to now this statement "he so overwhelmed with all the obligations in his life" and isn't sure if now if we should be hanging out or not."

Is that not another "Red Flag" to consider, Where are you even going to fit into his life?

I know I have asked you many questions Nicole for you to think about. Put aside the rose tinted glasses of "chemistry" and seriously have a think about this guy and where things are going for you with him.

And finally Nicole, this is not about you the way he is behaving. It is about him. The next step to take is his, and it is your choice if you want to take things further or not.

If you have any further questions Nicole, please feel free to contact me.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

If you have any questions you would like to ask me and need advice on then please do Contact Me.

And practically speaking, that completes my conversation for this article.

What are Your thoughts and ideas?

 "Use the Comments box below and "Have Your Say" (even if you disagree with me).  I really appreciate it when people reply with thoughtful comments. Honestly, it makes my day. Either way I will be glad to hear from you."

And as ever...Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. Average men and women know only the rules. Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love, Truth and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

RECOMMENDED FURTHER READING...






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