"Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions. 

"Friends without benefits?‏" & Commitment - "Love or a Rational Choice?"

Is it possible to turn a "Friend with benefits" into a boyfriend or (gasp) even a husband? Is "Commitment" driven by love or is it a rational choice?

Read on to find out . . .

FACEBOOK Question: Starr (USA) asks...
 
"So I text my friend with benefits who I love of a year and a half that he disappointed me and I deserve better and I was done if he wasn't going to respect me and he said "OK, good and goodbye." I don't want to let him go. I'm in love with him. What do I do?"

FACEBOOK Question: Sarah (USA) asks...

"Ange, I've had a great friends with benefits situation with a guy for about 6 months now but I want more from him than just sex. What do I do?"
 
ANGE ANSWERS...

OK, I've got bad news, good news, more bad news and then some medium news probably down at the bottom.

The bad news is that it's VERY difficult to turn a "Friends With Benefits" situation into a "relationship" situation (and in a lot of cases it's downright impossible.)

Now, that's not to say that I'm against having a "FWB."

In fact, I have enjoyed "FWB" set ups several times and found them to be really positive experiences as long as everybody involved was honest about what they were looking for and where they were emotionally.

My favorite "FWB" situation was with a beautiful woman 8 years my senior. This is going back a few years now.......

She was recently out of a bad 6 year marriage (where the sexual passion had died just 3 years in) and I knew when I met her that the LAST thing she needed was to start dating somebody seriously and the FIRST thing she needed was to be lusted after, appreciated properly as a woman and ravaged by a man.

So I seduced her.

Not that she complained !

For the next year or so this woman and I had a very simple and straightforward FWB relationship where we got together every week and "enjoyed" each other in every way possible.

And over the course of it we became the very best of friends.

We both came out of that situation better than we went in. And to this day she is My closest "Best Friend". Even though she is married now.

But a lot of FWB situations end badly (catastrophically) because of a lack of communication or because of totally different intentions at the beginning.

So here's a few "Rules" for "Friends With Benefits" situations:

1. Never get into a "Friends With Benefits" situation expecting it to turn into more.

I get emails all the time from women saying "Well, he said he just wanted to be friends with benefits and I agreed because I thought he would fall for me."

Honestly, it really just doesn't work that way. If a guy says he's just looking for a sexual connection and nothing more he's being honest and no matter how much of a sexual tornado you are it's not going to change his mind.

(The opposite isn't always true. There's a lot of reasons why. One that is biological that a woman has no control over. but women do tend to get emotionally attached to guys they sleep with pretty quickly. nature designed it that way.)

2. Be Brutally Honest With Your FWB From Day One . . .

If you start developing feelings for a guy you're just sleeping with you need to let him know that right away and have a cold, logical, reasonable conversation about it.

You also need to STOP sleeping with an FWB right away if he doesn't immediately return your affection.

3. FWB's don't go on "Dates." If you're having an FWB situation that means no dates and no sleepovers.

Now, obviously, if you're already in a FWB type situation and have fallen for the guy none of what I've said so far is going  to actually HELP you.

So here's what I recommend for both of your situations:

If you want to TRY to turn an FWB situation into a dating situation here's what you have to do:

A) Immediately stop sleeping with the guy. Don't be mean about it but just say you can't do that any more.

B) Text him or call him and say something along the lines of "I'd really like to hang out with you with our clothes on some time." Keep it light. Don't profess your undying love to the guy or anything like that but treat him like a guy you've just met who you want to hang out with. You need a "do over" to create tension and establish a real connection between the two of you that has nothing to do with your genitals.

C) Make him chase you and date other guys. Guys only chase if they think you're running. If he thinks you're waiting around for him, you don't stand a chance. You need to be coy, play hard to get and trigger that jealousy response in the back of his brain.

D) Be prepared for heart break.

Yes, this sucks, I know. But In a lot of cases no matter what you do a guy who was a great "FWB" simply won't want to date you no matter what.

In fact, some guys (or women) will actually get mad at you and feel betrayed when you try to change the rules of the relationship.

"Hey, I was honest with you and we had a really good thing going here and you ruined it."

The fact is that guys will eagerly sleep with women who they're physically attracted to but don't have any particular emotional attraction to or who they've disqualified as "girlfriend material" for any number of reasons.

"Well, she's way too irresponsible for me to date and her political views drive me nuts but MAN she looks good in that dress."

And no amount of baiting or trickery is necessarily going to change that.

Long one today but it's a big topic.
 
Next is a question via e mail is from Alina (Canada) and it's a good one!

"Hi Ange,

Here is my question.. Would a man marry a women because he is in love with her or is it more of a rational decision? I knew this guy for 4 yrs, and began dating in Nov ( long distance since I am in Montreal Ca, and he is in Connecticut, USA) We spend Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Years together. At the end of our trip, he told me that I am the most amazing girl he has met and that he loves me and would give anything to make this work. BUT he does not undertand my eating habbits ( vegetarien) and how would we raise our kids??

I told him take take a deep breath and take one step at a time... He agreed, but he is not really calling me in the morning or in the evening, or Skipping anymore.. For the last week we have been barely exchanging a couple of textos a and it feels like the hunt is over..

I know its a more complexe question, but Please please help - I am really into this guy and I am internaly emotially a mess...Ouf

I would be forever grateful if you could help :)

Thank you,

Alina" 

ANGE ANSWERS

Hi Alina,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

One of the key things to understand about men is that what we SAY isn't as important as what we DO!

For instance, I get emails from women all the time saying stuff to the effect of . . .

"This guy says he loves me and only wants to be with me, but I found out he's sleeping with 3 other women and got two of them pregnant. What does it mean???" (that's a real email, by the way)

or . . .

"My guy never says 'I love you,' but he's always doing nice little things for me like warming up my car in the morning or offering to pick up the kids so I can get home early. I just don't know how he feels. How do I get him to OPEN UP??"

Now, these are diametrically opposite situations. In the first one the guy is a player and whether he's in love with her or not is kind of immaterial (he's never going to give her what she wants.)

In the second one the guy is obviously in love with her, but  just isn't somebody who VERBALLY expresses affection (so she needs to focus much more on his actions and realize he's saying "I love you" all the time.)

Your situation is a little different, though . . .

In your situation, my read is that your guy DOES have real feelings for you but is searching for an excuse not to commit or to accept those feelings.

And that's totally OK.

It's funny, I've heard of plenty of occasions where folks get into fights over how to raise their kids from a religious standpoint ("I'm just not sure I can marry a satanist. I mean, do I really want my kids in those rituals?" . . . Smiles. Joke.) Or political reasons ("I'm a really passionate member of the Whig party.") but this is the first time  I've heard of a guy getting "weird" at the idea of raising his kids  vegetarian (though I know many people will find that weird.)

Anyway, in this case I'd recommend you ignore what he says and pay attention to what he does and how he acts. The fact that you've made him nervous and put him into "fight or flight" mode is actually a GOOD thing because it shows he's taking you serious.

Focus in being in "The Now" and the fact that focusing too much on the future is just foolish.

Now your original question has to do with "Love" versus "Rationality" and the answer is, if he's smart a man will marry for BOTH reasons.

In general, human beings make decisions for EMOTIONAL reasons and then JUSTIFY those reasons with logic.

So when a guy buys a sports car, the reason he buys the car is because it makes him feel successful and powerful and because subconsciously he thinks it'll help him get hot women . . .

But he rationalizes the decision by thinking "Hey, I've worked hard and I deserve it"  or "I might need all those horsepower for the Zombie Apocalypse" or "It's on SALE!"

Your guy is doing the same thing . . .

Emotionally he's decided he wants to be with you (whether that's "forever" or in the short term is another matter.)

So his mind has started to put a life with you through the logic test. The fact that he's hooking onto the vegetarian thing means he's nervous and has some misgivings about the idea of being with you "forever." (By the way "Forever" is a myth. No relationship lasts forever. Either you break up or one of you dies.)

My advice is not to get too upset about this. Let him have a little bit of space and then talk with him about his objections and seduce him.

Yes, you read that right......"Seduce" him.

It's AMAZING how quickly men forget their objections when they FEEL and know a woman is really into them.

Let me know how you get on Alina.....

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

What are Your thoughts and ideas?

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FURTHER READING....

Why Relationships Change After Dating To Being In A "Committed" Relationship.


5 Tips to Improve Your Love Relationship.

Building And Sharing "Intimacy" with a "lover". Is saying a lot more than “I Love You”
 

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