"Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions.

I Want My Boy Friend back - Wife Has Low Sex Drive - Boy friend "Cheats" On Me -
Is "Flirting" Cheating? - Plus lots more..

Hi All,

And "Welcome" to this edition of "Intimate Communion" Dating , Relationship & Sex Questions." 

Each month I  publish a cross selection of "questions" I receive in e mails, from the readers of my blogs, through Facebook and sometimes by postal letter! (Yes "snail mail" is still used).

I do edit the letters I receive and remove personal details before I publish them here to protect peoples identities. 

However the "contents" of the e mails, messages and letters are published as I receive them.

So on with the first question...

QUESTION...Krystal asks...

"Hi Ange

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my ex just wants to be friends. He said he was concerned that I'm expecting more. I read one of your articles about when a man blows hot and cold. I convinced him I am fine with being just friends and in fact agree that the break-up was a good idea bt I enjoyed our good times. I saw him a couple of nights ago and he said I looked "well sweet." Is there ANY hope for me? He did stutter a little (possibly because I looked hot and was feeling confident). It's only been 1 month since the break up. I do miss him and would like us to get back together. I appreciate any advice!"

Krystel.........UK

ANGE ANSWERS:

Dear Krystal,

Thank you for your message and contacting me.

First you are doing great.

A couple things:

1. It is good you are fine and "OK." with being friends. And that you want to get on with your life. I know it can be difficult "experiencing" the feelings of a break up.The key with getting your "Ex" back is You have to keep your ex on his toes and wondering what the heck you're actually trying to do. As long as he's curious and confused you're doing it right.

2. Yes. There's hope for you, but there's no guarantee. (There's never a guarantee of success in this situation.) The more he sees you out in the world, having fun and not NEEDING him the more subconsciously attracted to you he's going to be. it is always the same in most cases of a break up. It is not until the "Ex" sees their ex-partner having fun, being desired by others, That they realise what, a good thing they had going and it "fires" them up to get their ex back. 

Love your "I agree, the breakup was a good idea" bit.

3. That said: Don't actually BE his friend. 

If you actually ARE his friend (if he can actually get emotional support from you) there will be no actual need for him to come back to you.

Why would he buy the cow if he gets the emotional milk and possible sex for free?

Like I like to say "The only way to get him back is to let him go and "Focus" on Your Life!"

So keep doing what you're doing. Take care of yourself. Date other guys. And just to let him know how happy and stable you are. Then occasionally send him a message that confuses the heck of him and starts re-establishing emotional hooks.

Oh, and whatever you do DO NOT SLEEP WITH A GUY YOU WANT TO GET BACK.

Seriously, if you do that you will kill your chances. If a guy feels like he can have sex with you without having to commit into an actual relationship he'll see no need at all to even consider starting your relationship up again.

If you really want him back Krystel, then make it so that "he" has to win you again, date you again, romance you again.

Be the "PRIZE" he has to "Win!"

Let Me know how it goes from here.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

NEXT QUESTION: Bob asks . . .

"I'm facing some stiff resistance with the wife. you have mention that some women have reduced desire as they get older, and my heart sunk. As soon as I start getting erotic, she stops responding. She says she feels like I'm putting pressure on her.  After going through all the information I got in programs and books, I see I have been doing a lot of things right all along. So, other than engaging her in the many ways I have learnt and being less apologetic about my desire for her, I have needed few adjustments. 

A few years ago, I nearly left her because I felt the effort I was putting into the relationship was not worth the rewards I was getting out of it. 

She had no idea how unhappy I was. I never let my frustrations show. I kept trying to "kill her with kindness". A friend gave me a book called "His Needs, Her Needs", and I discovered a lot of my efforts were a bit misplaced.  With a few corrections, she was happier than ever. 

However, there is still a huge hole in our relationship, from my perspective, that remains unfilled. While we do have sex a few times a month with some BJ's in between, it is very obvious that it is a chore for her most of the time, and she is rarely "present" in the acts with me.  We've discussed it away from the bedroom many times, but her response is always the lack of desire.

She insists that I am wonderfully attentive to her needs in bed, and it has nothing to do with me. 

I have read some of your articles in the masculine heart and I understand what needs to be done and why it needs to be done the way you present it. 

We are in our early 50's, in very good shape, and married for almost 30 years. I believe her when she says that her lack of desire is the issue, and has been the issue for the best part of the last ten years. How do I help her to get through this?"

Bob....Canada

ANGE ANSWERS...

Hi Bob,

Thank you for contacting me and your message

Let me tell you, I FEEL for you here.

I personally spent nearly a 6 months in a relationship with a woman with a WAY below average sex drive and I have will be honest with you it killed me every time I touched her and she pulled away . . .

And it killed me even more when she decided to "do me a favour" and have sex with me even though she did not really want to.

That was a HUGE passion killer for Me.

It was not until we broke up (horribly, and sex was a big part of it) that I discovered again what it was like to be desired by a woman.

Ultimately, I have bad news for you:

Some women (and some men) just do not have much sexual desire and some women (and some men) see their sexual desire dive off a cliff like a lemming as they get older.

In a lot of cases "Therapy" can help

But if you've tried everything, been a good and attentive lover and a good man and  she's still not responding you may just need to accept that sex is not that important to her . . .

And she needs to accept that sex IS that important to you. 

A relationship is not to be a prison sentence.

Sex is important and getting your sexual needs met is as important as her getting her non-sexual and emotional needs met.

Now here is the advice that gets me in trouble:

Talk to your wife about this. Be honest (but not accusatory) about how you feel about your sex life. Don't blame her. It's not her fault she doesn't have much sexual desire any more than it's your fault that you do.

From there you have got three options...

1. Break up so you can pursue the sexual satisfaction you are entitled to.

2. Open your relationship. Keep the  emotional connection and companionship you've had for 30 years but have her give you permission to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. This may trigger some MAJOR drama at first, but ultimately she may like having the pressure taken off her to do something she doesn't want to do.

3. Be miserable and keep doing what you've been doing.

You have been doing 3 for a while now. And ultimately you are either going to resent your wife or break down and cheat on her if and when another woman shows you interest.

Difficult situation for you, and trust me on this, really common actually.

Keep me informed of how things go for you.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce


NEXT QUESTION: Patti asks...

"I'm not sure my significant other is worth keeping?"

You tell me if you think he is. He is constantly expressing how sexy, hot, and beautiful other women are.
He said he fantasizes about these other women when having sex with me. If you ask me, the only thing he's worth is kicking out of my house."

Patti....Kenya

ANGE ANSWERS.....

Dear Patti,

Thank you for contacting me and your message.

Right, first it gives me a chance to rant a bit:

What a JERK!

OK, I know in the articles I publish I often spend a lot of time helping women "get" men and teaching women to "accept" men for who (and what) they are. (And I spend a lot of time trying to teach men how to accept women too.)

But some guys are just jerks and one of the keys to happiness in life is to not date or hang out with people like this.

Because you deserve better.

Now, I am not saying he is a jerk for finding other women attractive (ALL guys are going to look at other women no matter how devoted or in love with you they are.)

I am not even saying h is a jerk for fantasizing about other women while having sex with you (both men and women do this on a regular basis.)

What makes this guy a jerk is his complete and utter disregard for your feelings and his lack of interest in making YOU feel hot, sexy, attractive and loved.

What makes this guy a jerk is that he is cruel. And it is not "accidentally" cruel. This guy seems to be cruel knowingly and eagerly and he is the kind of guy I would like to teach some "RESPECT" to. 

Leave him, Patti.

There are great men out there (I get emails from them and I know some really cool men) and even if you are alone for a while, being alone is going to be better than the crap you are putting up with now.

And after you're free of this guy, then take time to care for yourself and learn and discover what a great, sexy, connected relationship is like.

Keep in contact and let me how things go for you.

Yours Sincerely 

Ange Fonce

NEXT QUESTION: Melissa asks . . . 

"My boyfriend has SAD and is currently suffering from depression. In June I noticed he started saying I love you less and that was the time he told me his depression was lasting longer than normal. He finally went to a doctor in July and was placed on meds for his depression. We done a lot together in the past few months and I love his son, but a few weeks ago he told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore, we've been together almost two years and yet he still wanted me to spend the holidays with his family. His meds were not working right, and he just had them changed, but I'm not sure if changing them will change anything.

I'm just so confused about what to do because I love him very much."

Melissa...UK

ANGE ANSWERS

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for your message and contacting me. 

Depression is a very difficult condition to deal with Melissa, even with medication. 

And it is just as hard and difficult when you love someone who is suffering depression.

Anyway, a couple big things here:

1. It's GOOD that you're not blaming yourself for your man's moods. Too many women in your situation would be writing me asking "what  did I do wrong" to cause his problems. SAD (and depression in general) are medical conditions and can be as hard on a partner as they can be on the man or woman suffering from them.

That said . . .

2. It's not your job to make him happy. This is a point I hammer over and over again, but your boyfriend's happiness is his own responsibility (and your happiness is your responsibility.) Your job in a relationship is to be a great girlfriend/wife/partner and offer the best support you can. 

He is in a place of self loathing and feeling worthless right now and it really has nothing to do with you. I know you love him and his son and want things to be perfect, but all you can really do in this case is be supportive, help him by being caring yes, but do not take "responsibility" for his condition.

Help him find the treatment he needs and most of all..............Please also take care of your self. I know it is very difficult when a partner you Love suffers from any form of "depression"and their depression can be very destructive to a relationship.

With the right support, therapy and medication..........He will recover and be back to the man you love.

It is a "Big" test of a relationship...........I know this being a Counsellor myself and working with those who suffer depression. Trust Me, IF there was a magic solution, I would willingly share it with you.

But you need to focus on yourself right now and take care of yourself and carry on with your Life as best possible. Time and good Therapy, with your love and support will lift his depression.

And please "note" Melissa. That one of the effects of "depression" for those who are suffering from being depressed. Is the loss of love feelings, so when he says this to you. Don't take it to heart. people in a depressed state experience the world and themselves in a very different way. And this has a lot to do with the change in brain chemistry. When he recovers he will be back to the man you know and love.

Here is a link to a article I wrote on "Depression" for those who are with another who is suffering from depression Melissa. I know you will find it useful and informative.......

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

NEXT Question: Crystal asks:

"I'm wondering what if you consider flirting cheating?
I had a big row with my boyfriend over this. We was out together clubbing and a good looking guy was dancing with me and paying me compliments. yes I enjoyed the attention. But for me that was all it was.......Fun.
But he got so upset and we argued. He accused  me of cheating. I do really like him. But I like to enjoy myself when I am out and I dont want this happen every time another boy comes near me.
What are your thoughts and/or opinions on this Ange. . . ?
Lots of Luv"

Crystel.......Royal Navy

ANGE REPLIES...

Dear Crystal,

Thank you for your message and writing to me.

Smiles, thanks for the "Luv" lady, it is always appreciated.

Now this a Great question with a complicated answer, so here we go in handy numbered form:

1. Personally I think that STOPPING non-serious flirting with other people (at least in a playful way) is downright deadly to a relationship.

I deal with a LOT of men and women every day who talk about how "dead" they feel sexually and emotionally after a few months or a few years together.

How they just don't feel attractive to the opposite sex any more.

Or how they feel suffocated by having to shut that flirty, fun, sparkly side of their personality down. And relying on just one person to appreciate you emotionally and physically while denying that kind of energy from everybody else can really be toxic. 

So in a weird way, flirting can actually be GOOD for a long term relationship. Done right, it's a little like stopping by the gas station for some "passion fuel" and "self esteem oil."

(Wow, that's the worst metaphor I have ever written.)

2. That said, there is flirting and there's flirting:

The kind of flirting that's good for a relationship is pretty light. I call it "appreciative" flirting. It's a quick glance or a funny double entendre. It's you or your partner PLAYING a little bit with their sexuality and their attractiveness to the opposite sex.

The key is really in the intention: If you or your partner are flirting knowing full well that nothing is going to happen (and not actually WANTING anything to happen) it's really no big deal.

If you are "hunting" or actually trying to seduce somebody?

Well, that's a whole other ball game.

The actual limits of what "acceptable" flirting is are going to vary wildly by relationship.

Personally, I am a huge flirt (which is probably pretty obvious.)

I have no problem at all commenting on how beautiful a female friend of mine looks, or sharing a moment of attraction and playful tension with a woman.

My current girlfriend is not terribly bothered by this because . . .

A. She knows 100% how I feel about her, how I lust after her, how much I enjoy her.

B. I make it totally apparent that when I am "flirting" it is just a game and I am not actually trying to seduce a girl.

C. She is secure enough to know that the fact that I am a man who other women want to in some way flirt with actually reflects REALLY well on her.

The same goes the other way, by the way. When I catch another guy checking out my girlfriend, I do not freak out about it like a jealous beast . . . I just kind of smile because I know I have got a beautiful, sexy woman in my life and I know she is coming home with me.

Not a big deal if you do not make it a big deal.

Again, though, there is a big difference between playful flirting (or just "appreciating" someone) and actually trying to attract or seduce them and you need to talk to your partner about where that line is in your relationship. 

D. As for whether flirting is "cheating" I would say it's a pretty definitive "No." Is over-the-top-flirting-with-the-intention-of screwing-someone's-brains-out dangerous to a relationship?

Sure. But "flirting" for fun and enjoying yourself is not cheating.

And I will say this Crystel...If your current boyfriend cant handle other guys "flirting" with you. He will lose you, as simple as that.

There is ways of "handling" guys who come on to strong to your woman. That does not mean "fights" and arguments. And there are ways to handle the "stressed out" boyfriend Crystel.

If you really like your boyfriend Crystel and you like enjoying yourself. Then he is going to have to sort his attitude out.

Let Me know how you get on.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

 
Now for short but interesting fun e mail from Liz

QUESTION: Liz asks...

"Dear Ange,
I read one of your articles a long while back about texting for flirting and seduction. So I am asking. What are some sexy responses for when a guy texts you 'what would you do if you were here right now?'"
Love your stuff"

Liz........Liverpool UK

Dear Liz,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

Smiles...Oooo . . . a fun, good one.

Try any one of these depending on what mood you are in:

The "Submissive" Text . . . "Anything you want me to . . . anything =-)"

The "Tease" . . ."That would be telling . . . =-) It really depends how good you have been. Have you been good?"

The "I'm in control" Text......"I'd make you sit there with your arms by your sides. You'd have to watch me as I slowly stripped off my skirt. Your eyes glued to me . . ."

(Etc. Man, keeping this PG is HARD)

Of course there is a LOT more. 

But, I have to keep some secrets that I only share in my DYNAMIC LIFE DEVELOPMENT System. 

Maybe in the near future I will re-visit my past article and give it a re-write with some saucy, seductive and naughty text game.

And thanks for the "compliment" Liz, it is appreciated that you enjoy and find my articles informative.

Have a lovely day Lady.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

AND FINALLY Helena Boyle asks . . .

"Hi Ange,
I have a question for you in relation to you article you wrote . In the article, you said that men in general, want to sleep with more than one women, if not billions,as this is part of their hardwiring,and this is why they find it hard to commit to one and say goodbye to this dream.

My question is why ?,  it cannot be for sex,as they have that in a committed  relationship,cannot be companionship (cough!) what is so different to a man,is it just the pursuit and catching as many woman as he can,the constant search for a perfection no woman could/would measure up to in his head. Do men then just settle down in a relationship simply because they get fed up looking and settle for the closest  to their perfection thats in their head?"
Good article by the way and i have been reading some of your other stuff.

Yours

Helena Boyle

ANGE REPLIES..

Dear Helena,

Great question.

First off, let me give some background for your question.

The article you are referring to talked about a concept I call "The Death Of Possibility" and is one of the reasons many men are so deathly afraid of commitment.

The short version is that deep in the back of their reptilian brains where the primal drives are (and totally unconsciously) most guys cling to the idea that they COULD sleep with loads of women if things shook out just right (They got rich. They got a six pack. They got a bigger dick. Whatever. It's not rational.) 

Truly committing to a woman (and not just giving commitment lip service) means "Killing" that possibility and it is really pretty devastating to a lot of guys to do so. (Guys who have no ability to attract women find it easier to commit because they're just happy to have A woman.)

Anyway, let me get to your question:

Now on to your question, which basically boils down to "why do men want to have sex with a lot of women."

Ask a guy that question and he will probably look at you dumbly like you asked him why he wants to breathe.

But the short version is that guys just crave variety on a deep and primal level.

And that craving for variety has very little to do with how "hot" a guy's wife is or even how much sex he is having at home. (Ouch.)

Now, there is a lot of possible reasons for that (I'm not going to fill up this email talking about evolutionary biology or sperm competition theory, but it's all there.)

One of my favourite examples of this comes from David Deida. The story goes that at one of his conferences David asked a room full of guys:

"Would you rather have a magazine with 40 smoking hot pictures of the single most beautiful woman in the world or would you rather have a magazine with pictures of 40 different attractive (but not as attractive) women."

And every guy in the room chose the second magazine.

There just seems to be something intoxicating about the new girl (or at least the idea of the new girl.)

So why do guys commit?

Well, because men are not JUST animals.

We are humans.

And as humans we have got competing desires that confuse the issue.

Yes, there's part of any man that wants to stay single and free and go out and "conquer" as many woman as he possibly can.

But there is a whole other part of men (especially  as we get into our 30's and 40's) that sincerely wants companionship, stability, family and all the other good things one great woman can provide.

I have said this before, but for most guys if they could wave a magic wand and change the way the world works, they'd want to have the awesome, amazing wife at home and the ability to go out and sleep with other women every once in a while.

(And while their wife is totally monogamous to them.)

It's a stupid double standard and no woman should ever agree to that kind of set up. 

But again, we are talking about the irrational mind. This is what his primal irrational brain kind of wants. 

(Conversely, many women seem to want a guy who's 100% addicted to them and who's penis shrivels up like a snail if he even looks at another woman. Which is also crazy irrational. Such men do not exist.)

Anyway, this whole concept can feel a bit depressing at first. But like I said, we a men are humans, not animals. I personally have a high sex drive and am as much a "Man" as you are going to meet.

But I do not cheat when I am with a woman as I want to be with her. 

The key is to accept what is going on in the back of our minds and work with it to try to create the lives we want.

Got it?

It's important to point out here that this is not just a man thing. There are many women out there with a similar craving for variety in their sex partners but the question was about men so that is what I answered. Just to go double on record, I am not saying you should be the dutiful woman at home while your man goes out and cheats on you behind your back. I am just saying that is his deeply sublimated fantasy.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce 

Thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!

And that wraps up this issue of "Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions. 

And as ever...Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. Average men and women know only the rules. Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

What are Your thoughts and ideas?

"Use the Comments box below and "Have Your Say" (even if you disagree with me).  I really appreciate it when people reply with thoughtful comments. Honestly, it makes my day. 


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