"Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions."Am I stuck on the Wrong Man? What If He's Still Checking Out Online Dating Sites?" Plus lots more.


Welcome to your monthly edition of "Intimate Communion" where I answer your "Questions" about love, romance, dating, relationships and sex. 

That I receive via my Facebook page or as individual e mail messages sent to me via the  "Contact" page here on this website.   

It's hard enough to find a great man out there. 

Now what if you met someone online, but the guy is not hiding his profile?  

And what if you actually find out he has been "active" when the two of you are supposedly exclusive?  

So let's move on and deal with Patricia who asks me..

"Hi Ange,

I met a man online and we have been exclusive pretty much since we began talking.  Once I was certain I wanted the relationship to progress, I asked him about our profiles on the website and he assured me that he wasn't interested in anyone else, he rarely visits the website, is only interested in me, is growing attached to me, and that he'd be ready to delete his account soon. He'd been referring to me as his girlfriend to family and friends,and I'd even met his family. I accepted that and shortly afterwards I updated my profile to reflect the fact that I'd met someone and was taking a break from the website. See, any time I visit the website, I end up receiving messages and requests for dates, so I was tired of the distraction. I even canceled dates for him (not that he was asking me to or even knew). A few weeks passed and I checked up on him online, out of curiosity, to see if he was still accessing the website. I was happy to see that he wasn't. Then, out of the blue and was crushed to find that he'd actually accessed the site while I was in the shower one morning. Next time I checked, he'd accessed it just before I arrived one evening. Needless to say, I knew I had to bring it up. I tried to discuss it, and you can imagine how well that went! He first tried to say he was on the website a week ago when he'd been on it the day before. Strike one.  He explained to me that he's not looking for dates (he's only interested in me and has never cheated in his life), just that he likes talking to people and seeing how they're doing, out of curiosity and boredom.  That I can understand to a point because I have the same personality, but how could he be curious and bored while I'm in the shower? Why isn't he ever curious and bored when I'm within proximity to his computer? Strike two. 
He said I had it all wrong and that I was being silly for thinking that it might be for the best for me to date other men. He did not stop me from leaving his place. Strike three. He wrote me an email which I read when I arrived home. It basically said how upset he was, how he doesn't want to fight, how I have the wrong idea, how he's had a lot on his mind lately, etc. 
Last night, I received an email just before bedtime that after having visited a friend, he feels better and that he misses me. I wasn't sure how to respond to that to be honest. I ended up saying I was glad he felt better and that was it. He wrote me again this morning as if none of this even happened. The fact is, he hasn't apologized or made any effort to show me any intention of deleting or updating his account. The only apology I've received was that he was sorry I saw things differently. What should I do? I love him but this isn't acceptable, is it? I don't want to give him an ultimatum and I don't want to date anyone else."

Patricia... USA

MY REPLY...

Dear Patricia.  

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

Wow...you've discovered one of the very trickiest parts of meeting someone online.  

At which point in a relationship is it time to "hide" or completely remove your profile?

Your profile is there to attract the attention of men, and to get them to write you.  

As long as it's up there, it's going to exist to serve that purpose and that purpose alone.

I don't fully understand the concept of "updating" your profile to reflect that you're "seeing someone" and "taking a break from the website".  

Why not make your profile invisible, or remove it entirely?

Now I understand your pain at finding that your man has been sneaking looks at the online dating site here and there when he's supposed to have found a woman who makes him happy.  There's no excuse for that.

However, I'm not finding evidence in your e-mail that the two of you really communicated effectively to each other what the expectations were in this area.

And what's more, when you get right down to it...you were pretty much on a level playing field here.  

You haven't removed your profile, which leaves you open to receiving e-mails from interested potential suitors (as you've mentioned) and indeed possibly surfing the site yourself.

Plus, if you get right down to it, you have to get on the site yourself simply to see if HE'S been there, right?

Ultimately, regardless of either your or his true intentions, this can all become a finger-pointing battle VERY quickly, can't it?

Now sure, if he's just interested in keeping up with friends there are other sites better suited to that purpose (e.g. Facebook).  

My guess is that he had gotten fairly used to doing frequent checks of the online dating site he was on before he met you. And old habits die hard - especially when there's no black and white reason to cease and desist from that.

Simply put, as long as your profile was visible, and as long as you're on the site, you can't be a party to a double standard. 

That's just not fair.

Sure, you weren't exactly looking for more dates while you were with him.  

But then again, it didn't take you long to reconnect with the guys you had been putting off erstwhile, right?

I understand it is frustrating to you that he didn't quite apologize.  

And it's not optimal that he simply let you leave his home that day.  

But then again, time and again we women demonstrate that you really can't stand men who beg and kiss up to us either. 

Perhaps he instinctively knew that (or has been reading my articles for men...Smiles!)

It sounds to me that he still would rather be with you than not. 

And you've clearly articulated your feelings about him to me in your e-mail.

Why not have dinner together at either your place or his - free of distractions - and finally have an honest talk about formally cutting ties to the online dating site you met on, and eliminating that barrier once and for all?

The communication and trust that you two can discover through that process will lift a load off of both of your shoulders.

From there, with a clean slate and a clean conscience, my gut feeling is that you'll find he is much more comfortable with the state of your relationship and his curiosity about checking that dating site will go away.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

P.S.  There really are A LOT of factors to keep in mind when it comes to getting online dating right, aren't there?   

And as you've just seen, simply knowing how to get your profile in order doesn't solve everything, does it?  

Not by a long shot!

I have been there myself, and that is why I cover SO much more than just how to have great pictures and an attractive profile in my DYNAMIC LIFE DEVELOPMENT System.

Sure all of that stuff is important, but let's face it. 

You have also got to know how to shine like a diamond on first dates in order to get the second date.

AND...you just have to know how to make a relationship WORK as you get to know a guy or a girl better.

Otherwise, it's going to be "back to the drawing board" time and time and time again.

That's not what I want for you!

Because it is "why" each week I write and publish "in depth" articles on "dating" and and when you have "got it" together the more spicier aspects of "Sex and Relationships" on "Intimate Communion".

Next I received an mail from Rebecca, who asked me a good question about a guy she has been seeing lately.  

She wanted my point of view since it was clearly a "guy" issue.

So lets start with her Question....

"Hello Ange,

Thank you so much for everything you do! I am a huge fan of yours and really love what you two have to say. I really value a man's opinion and would love your take on this. I have been dating for about 6 months now and about 3 months ago I met a very nice man at my church. About a month later we started dating so we've been just dating for about 2 months now. I'm still seeing other guys, but we've been  seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week. He's been absolutely wonderful and I find myself enjoying his company. We've been on some very expensive dates, it doesn't matter to me what we do though, it just feels good spending time with him, but he HAS been very generous and giving. The problem is the better part of a week has gone by with almost no contact. He is scheduled to leave town tomorrow for business for 2 weeks and  it feels really weird that we haven't seen each other this week, since we've been seeing each other 2-3 times a week. He sent a text at the start of the week saying, "Good morning gorgeous. Have a great Monday."  I replied back to him, but nothing...So whats going on?  Should I call? Text? Wait to hear from him when he gets back?  Am I making a big deal out of nothing?  My mind is trying to go back and reply things to see if I did anything 'wrong' and its also saying 'oh he's just busy with work, etc." Maybe I was putting out a stronger vibe that when we first started dating?  I just don't know.
My mom tells me to text him, because he might feel like hes put out all this effort, and that I'm not reciprocating (I don't know how  this would be the case though, I've made time for him, let him kiss  me, been very open to his company, am I missing something?  Do I need to do something else?) The truth is, it feels crappy, and I'm feeling confused as to what would be the best thing to do.

What do you think, Ange?  Thank you!

Kindly,"

Rebecca...USA

My Reply to her Question..

Hello Rebecca:  

First of all, thanks for the kind words.And thank you for writing to me.

Your question touches upon a topic that most women will encounter sooner than later in their dating lives, for sure.

If you've had a pattern of communication with a guy for a couple of months that suddenly changes out of the blue I think it's perfectly logical to wonder what happened.  

I'd pick up the phone, call him and ask him if everything's all right over there.  

Nothing more than that.

Then when he calls back, just let him talk.  

Don't make assumptions or force the issue.  

Chances are he'll tell you whatever needs to be said.  

If, however, he makes "small talk" for a good ten minutes as if nothing ever happened, feel absolutely free to simply state that it was unusual not to hear from him for four days.  

Then, again, let him talk. 

Admittedly, it is flat-out bizarre that he would text you with something so positive and THEN fall off the map like that. It safe to say SOMETHING is up, for sure.  

And it could really be ANYTHING, but likely NOT something that kept him out of the communication loop for four full days. 

With that in mind, I have to prepare you...even if things looked rosy on the surface it's not typical of a guy who's really psyched about a woman to leave her hanging for four days after having been in the habit of seeing her a few times a week. 

Unfortunately, tons of guys are very bad at coming clean and providing closure with women we're no longer interested in. 

They  tend to really, really dread negative emotional responses from women.  

It's not that they're bad guys necessarily, it's just that they lack "back bone."

Plain and simple.

Then again, he could call you right as I'm typing this and everything will be fine.  

He may have broken down in the desert with no cell phone signal and rescued by a helicopter just this morning.  

Maybe he did pass out cold and has been in a coma at the local hospital since earlier this week.  

Even then, I'd still expect to at least hear the explanation spoken in plain English.

But neither of the above scenarios is likely, of course.

And no matter what, a quick call from you at this point when the pattern has clearly shifted isn't needy or clingy.  

On the contrary, it's indicative of self-respect.

Meanwhile, enjoy being social with the other guys you are dating. 

You are in the position to be the "chooser" rather than the "chaser".

Oh, and by the way...him calling you something like THREE MONTHS or so from now as if everything is "fine" would NOT be "fine".

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And now onto the next question that comes from Tanya who asked me.....
 
"Hi Ange,

Well, I do believe in what you're saying about be deserving in order to get what you want.  But I'm curious. Last Thursday or so, I got an email from a guy on a personals website.  I wrote back that evening/night and got another one from him the next day (last Friday).   Anyway, he sounded interested and said that he signed up just to contact me.  He seemed friendly.  He seemed like he wanted to keep writing, but he kept calling me, "J".  I don't know why.  My name is Theresa. 
He might have been aiming for "T", just being playful, but I'm not sure.  He also asked for pictures.  I could only find 2 of me on this computer and they weren't the best, but I sent them anyway. A while back, I had an email thing going with a guy from another website and he asked for pictures. It took a while for me to get it to him and he stopped writing.  I figured I'd send a picture right away, so it wouldn't drag out if he didn't like how I looked.  I sent the picture with the response email and I asked why he kept calling me "J".  Finally this past Tuesday, he wrote back and said that he'd had a busy weekend and lots of meetings, etc. and asked how my weekend was.   I haven't heard anything since. Besides that, I go to a university here in Louisiana and he is taking a class or two at the same school and working on the school's website as his job.  I think I know where the office is and I pass it often enough.  I've considered going in to see if I can find him, but I realize that might not be a good idea since if he really wanted to talk to me or email or meet me, he'd let me know.  He's already emailed me, so he must already have my email address. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

God Bless :)"

Tanya.....USA

My considered reply...

Dear Tanya,

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

Well first of all, remember that guys tend to send a LOT of e-mails to a LOT of women on dating sites.

That shouldn't alarm you or upset you.  

After all, they haven't actually met anyone yet or begun a relationship.  

So testing the proverbial waters to gauge possible interest from different women is perfectly natural and reasonable.

You'd be shocked at how good some guys can get at cutting/pasting the same message over and over to women online, perhaps slightly tweaking each message to appear completely original.  

I know there are even complete training programs for guys on how to do this.

So the bottom line is, unfortunately, you might not have been the only woman getting those emails from him.  

There could theoretically be hundreds.  

My guess is that he forgot to change "J" to "Tanya" when he cut the previous email he sent and pasted it to be sent to you!

I'm also curious as to why you don't have pictures posted.  

Having some flattering pictures posted is absolutely critical these days.  

Otherwise, you really probably are only getting e-mails from guys who are cutting/pasting to every woman on the site.

Think about it.  

Typically nowadays, with the ubiquity of digital photography, anyone without pics is either ashamed of his or her appearance or probably hiding something (marriage, wanted by the law, etc.).  

You shouldn't be at all surprised when guys lose interest if you don't immediately respond with pictures...that almost always portends sketchy things to them.

If you don't have a digital camera, ask a friend to take some great pictures of you.  

Think "warm and confident" when you shoot those.

I agree that if the guy was interested he would have continued writing, so it would probably be awkward to darken the door of his office unannounced.  

The ONLY exception is that if you really think your photos were horribly unflattering.  

Then, maybe find the guy at his office and have HIM take some new pics for you since he's obviously techie. 

Now THERE'S an idea!

Take care of yourself.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Lets deal with this question from Marie who asks me about "online dating"...

"Hello Ange

I have been trying online dating out for the last two weeks and it's been great! But there's one thing that I've stumbled on and that I have not heard you mention in any of your material. It's the fact that men keep giving me their number, even if I haven't asked for it instead of asking for mine. 

What does this mean?"

Marie UK

My Reply...

Dear Marie, 

Thank you for writing to me and your message.

The simple answer to your question is that when men give you their number, they're most definitely intrigued by you enough to want to take their interaction with you to the next level.

This is a good thing, of course!

Nevertheless, I can see how it would be a bit unnerving to be chatting back and forth via e-mail on Match.com (or on Facebook or Twitter, for that matter) only to have him imply that you should call him out of the blue.

After all, you don't even really know him yet.

And wait a minute...shouldn't a gentleman take the initiative to call YOU first?

Well, even with all of that in mind, please don't draw any hasty conclusions when that happens...especially negative ones.

After all, there are some truly great guys out there who mean well, even if in being true to their guy nature they don't fully grasp how protective some of how you women can be of your personal contact information.

In addition, often times the strategy actually pays off.  

You might be surprised by how many women these days will gladly pick up the phone and dial.

After all, as long as you're on a mobile phone without some fancy GPS location transmission function or something, it's all but impossible for anyone to compromise your personal security (i.e. find out your address, your exact whereabouts, etc.)

Now that said, I'm completely on board with the fact that a man who truly "gets it" would exchange a couple of e-mails with you before perhaps saying something similar to this:

"I'm enjoying our conversation, but it's time for us to hear each others' voices.  I realize that a gentleman should take the initiative of calling the lady, so if you'll give me your phone number and a time when you're available I'd like to call you."

And sure enough, he may include his phone number also.  

But a little elaboration sure goes a long way, right?

But the real-world truth about online dating is that both men and women who know the ropes can find themselves with PLENTY of options.  

This means that they're less likely to spend any more time than they need to in moving interactions along.

Sooner than later, you'll realize like others who have been online for a bit longer than you've been that typing back and forth for days or weeks can be a REAL drain on your free time.

On top of that, the longer you go before moving to the phone and then to the actual face-to-face meeting the more any potential disappointment is going to really hurt.

As such, lots of perfectly decent folks online - men AND women alike - tend to be rather frank about wanting to go from e-mail to phone very quickly, and to the first meeting shortly after ward.

In fact, I actually wholeheartedly RECOMMEND moving things along quickly.

So definitely don't automatically assume that a man who drops his phone number on you quickly is being pushy or presumptuous.  

He may be a good guy - just one who has met some women who turned out to be different in real life than they seemed online.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And now on to where Tracey asks me......"Am I stuck on the Wrong Man?"

"Hi Ange,

My name is Tracey and I live in Ontario, Canada.

At the moment, I am heartbroken over a man.  This gorgeous man and I have been sharing mutually attractive sensors for over a year now.  He works out at my gym.  He knows I'm interested because I asked his Best Friend if he was single.
I knew he was at the time but wanted to feel out his friend and have him get the word back to him.  It worked.  He
seemed to be interested although never approached me. He was often 9in my proximity.  I am under the impression based on my highly intuitive nature this man is afraid and shy.  He makes my blood boil and my knees shake. He's 49, never married.  I have never gone up to him because I believe in chivalry and I am not a man chaser.  He probably thinks I'm not interested!Here is the problem.  Lately, I've noticed he's not around at the same time and I sense he is avoiding me (for good reason) and seems different to me.  Well, I've just discovered why.  Two nights ago, I was coming down my street and saw him pull into the twice divorced blond bombshell's place.  She was coming out of the garage to get in the car.  He is dating her.  She works out at the gym and leaves very little to a man's  imagination in the way she dresses in her workout attire.  She was also just dating someone whom she would work out with and I haven't seem him lately. It's new, I'm quite sure of this. My dilemma:  after the initial shock of this discovery and a few tears, I am certain I now need to go up to him and flirt a bit.  I am an extremely attractive, warm and approachable woman.  He is what I want and I believe the kind of man I deserve. What do I do?  Do I let him go quietly with her or do I take my shot at him now before he gets too serious about the "man jumper"?

Please tell me what to do Ange!"

Tracey (Ontario, Canada)

My Reply

Dear Tracey,

Thank you for your message and writing to me.  

I lived in Canada for a year in a place called Medicine Hat in Alberta so I know it's beautiful and a cool country.

Nice job on having the strength to ask Gym Guy's friend about him.

It's a great way to let him know you are interested.  

But bear in mind that you can also initiate small talk with a man without necessarily coming off as too forward, if being overly flirtatious is not your style.

That way you can have some direct input without depending on fate and/or third parties.

All of that said, I'm sorry to inform you that although there's always the possibility that he has been afraid or shy about approaching you, the greater likelihood is that he's not interested in you.  

It could be that you are not his type.  

That is a good thing in this case, perhaps, since if he isn't interested in the kind of relationship you are he's not YOUR type either.

Now at this point, I'd strongly caution against drawing too many general conclusions about this man or the woman he is seeing based on your observational impressions.

The fact that he is 49 and never has been married is the sign that lets you know that he does not commit, don't expect him to have any kind of long term relationship with you or another woman.  

The man you described is most likely the kind that likes to be with women with out commitment.  Is that the kind of man you want?

There are exceptions, of course, but it sounds as if you have allowed yourself to be infatuated to the point of considerable emotional involvement. 

And  the fact remains you know very little about the kind of man this is.  

My question to you is "what kind of man do you want in your life?" 

Are looking for a casual partner or a life long faithful partner?

But that's not the most pressing issue I see at play here.

Problem is that you have put your eggs all in one basket.  

You feel hurt, even though you don't have any relationship with him at all. 

If you develop interest in other men whom you have actually had the opportunity to get to know - and who appear to appreciate you - then it will not matter that Gym Guy did not show you any attention. 

Gym Guy is not the only man on Earth.

Approaching Gym Guy at this point will likely not bring you any productive results.  

Ironically, after having resisted opening a conversation with him before, you will now appear in a very real way to be chasing him, which in time will result in him not only avoiding you but also disliking you.   

To be honest, given the depth of information you already have regarding the comings and goings of he and his new girlfriend, you may even come off as sort of a stalker.  

Not so good!

The best thing to do is let him go...and start meeting other men. 

Who knows maybe in time he may change his mind and ask you out. 

But by then you will be too busy to see Gym Guy because you have tightened up your priorities and maybe even have found a great man who adores you to be in your life.

Go out and find a man you deserve.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!

And that wraps up this issue of "Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions. 

And as ever...

Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. 

Average men and women know only the rules. 

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

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