"Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions.
About The Big O, What if you fall into a "Boring" Routine...Should You Compromise? Plus lots more...

Welcome to this edition of "Intimate Communion" Dating , Relationship & Sex Questions." 

Each month I  publish a cross selection of "questions" I receive in e mails, from the readers of my articles, through my Facebook page and sometimes by postal letter! (Yes snail mail still exists.)

I do edit the letters I receive and remove personal details before I publish them here to protect peoples identities. 

However the "contents" of the e mails, messages and letters are published as I receive them.

So lets deal with Alison's question about the "Big "O" and "Squirting"....

Question from Alison...

"hi, ange
i am a female. i dont have any body image problems.i love sex. i have multiple orgasms but i soooo want to squirt. am i trying too hard? i have been trying for over a year now.i have wicked orgasms but i dont squirt."


Ange Answers...

Dear Alison,

Thank you for your message and writing to me,

Do you know I get so many questions about squirting from women.

On the good news side, all of those questions reflect a positive attitude about female ejaculation that is, the men and women who read my articles posted in "Intimate Communion" all think of it as something special and healthy and desirable.

That's a big and very sophisticated change from the time when men regularly got angry and women embarrassed thinking that something was "wrong."  

We have come a long way since those days.

But something else is beginning to emerge that might be equally unhealthy in people's attitudes.

The idea that if you DON'T squirt that there is something "wrong" with you.

I understand from women that female ejaculation does feel "different" from an orgasm without ejaculate, and they describe it as "special", "cleansing", and "renewing."

So, I guess, if I was a woman, and I had not experienced it, I'd be chasing it around too.

But it is important to not get too carried away,and here's why...

Unlike men, women experience MANY different types of orgasm, and they describe the sensations in many different ways.  

And it's very hard to know between women if they are actually experiencing the same thing or different things.

I mention this to you because the other big important thing to know is that the glands that allow a woman to squirt (the para-urethral glands) are very different in size in different women.

And the ducts that open from them are also very different in size...  

Some are so small that they may let almost no fluid through. The result is...

For some women a LOT of ejaculate comes out, and for some, only a small amount can get out at a time.  

It may only dribble instead of squirt.

In other words...could you already be having a squirting orgasm and not know it?

Yes, it is possible, and I know it is not uncommon.

Here's some ways you might know...

Generally the "gushing orgasm" takes a long time to work up to, and once it begins it puts your body into an orgasmic spasm that lasts quite a long time-- even if you stop stimulating the area.  

And afterwards you may feel a profound sense of cleansing or like you have been "renewed."

Also, you may feel a sense that you are about to pee just before it begins (caused by the pressure in the intra-urethral glands)

It's worth noting that they are achieved a differently than other orgasms, it is NOT just a "more intense" orgasm.  

I will include a link to an article I have published on "Squirting Orgasms."

Meanwhile Alison, if you are having multiple orgasms and "wicked" orgasms, you are way ahead of most women.

I would like to think that you are enjoying the amazing beauty that you ARE experiencing during sex and not obsessing over what you might be missing...

That would be a shame.  

Because then you really would be missing something, and it isn't the squirting.

For Passion,

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Now For Jasmine's Question...

"Hello, Ange, 

I'm writing because I'm in a relationship with a great guy that loves me, respects me and takes care of me. We're both 22 years old. 

But his idea of a great night together is staying in, cuddling and going to bed early.  

He's not at all sociable; he's not comfortable around people he doesn't know (we share a circle, but he's seen my other friends like twice in a year and a half).  

Plus he's not comfortable going out if it's not to dinner or a movie. 

However, he's told me that he believes I deserve someone who takes me out. 

In light of this, I was wondering where is the limit between trying to change someone and expecting for him to compromise?"

Jasmine (FL)

Ange Answers...

Dear Jasmine, 

Thank you for your question and writing to me.

Now...This is a great question, Jasmine.

That boundary between expecting some cooperation in a relationship as opposed to manipulative "bending" someone to change into our liking isn't always clearly defined, is it?

Issues such as what to eat, where to live, and what activities to engage in may come up...and even couples who adore each other might not always agree.
In the perfect world things would be done OUR way, right?  

Just kidding of course...that can never be expected.  

So what should be done when disagreements arise...especially when it comes to matters so critical to the flow of our relationships?

When major difference happen in a relationship, we should consider the following:

1) Is the problem something we can solve with an acceptable cooperation that will make both of us happy?  Or...

2) Would one of us have to give up a big part of themselves (their core spirit), resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?

Let use the following example to illustrate how this might work.

A couple both loves eating a variety of cuisines.  

Nevertheless,  there will be days where they disagree on where or what to eat.  

Generally speaking, is there a solution with an acceptable compromise that will make both of them happy?  

The answer is absolutely YES.

Would one of them be giving up a big part of themselves (their core spirit) resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run?  

Not likely...at least I would like to think not!
This is when cooperation is important and should be readily attainable by two reasonable people.  

Perhaps there's a "middle ground"...perhaps a restaurant with an eclectic menu.

Or one day she can pick a place and the next time he can pick. 

However, what if one partner (or both) refuses to make a fair compromise?  

Unfortunately, not everyone has grown up to understand the concept of sharing, cooperation and fairness.  

And let's face it, such a person is going to have to mature a bit before he or she is ready to be one half of a great relationship, right?

But another thing to consider is that this can also be a BIG RED FLAG that he or she may not be deeply romantically in love with you...or at least not as much so as the other partner is.

When this is the case, the partner who refuses to cooperate may feel as if he might as well try to "get away" with whatever he or she chooses too, expecting that the other person will simply "put up with it".

This is part of the dangerous pattern of relationships where someone feels as if he or she has "settled".    

In fact, be sure to make this one of your deal breakers.

Never stay with someone who expects (or even demands) you to almost always give in, with very little flexibility in return.

But what if you're in a relationship where there are consistent areas that require heavy-duty compromise on a regular basis.

Is there any chance that EITHER of you will change? 

Let's look at another example to illustrate that one as well.

If one person eats a variety of foods and the other one eats, say...only hot dogs, you have a serious problem indeed.  

Someone will HAVE to change.
The person who gives up the variety foods in exchange for just hot dogs would be giving up a part of him or herself. 

Perhaps we could attempt to force the other person who likes hot dogs to give in by making him or her eat meals he or she doesn't like, but that would involve a RADICAL change on his or her part.

Is there a solution with an acceptable compromise that will make both of them happy?  

Almost assuredly not.  

One or both individuals will be disappointed at meal time EVERY TIME...resulting in feelings of resentment in the long run,  
Jasmine, in your case your boyfriend inherently enjoys just staying home and being around what's familiar to him.  

The thought of compromise is not an option in to him, since this is a part of his core personality...it's part of his being, essentially.

He may be a great guy and might like having you around, but he's being honest with you when he tells you that he believes you deserve someone who takes you out more often.

He knows he cannot - and in fact will not - live up to your expectations. 

What's more, the fact that he so glibly speaks of you deserving someone else may signal that he hopes YOU ACT ON THAT. 
It's not unheard of for guys to stay in less-than-perfect relationships simply because they don't want to deal with the breakup.  

They may be worried about "making you cry" or whatever.  

Indeed, it's not uncommon AT ALL for guys to underestimate not only your emotional fortitude as a women but also your desire to hear the truth rather than being strung along. 

And let's face it, on the other hand it would be TRAGIC if you gave up your desire to get out of the house and have some fun for the sake of "bending" to his boredom....especially if he isn't so crazy about you anyway.

So right he is.  Jasmine, you DO deserve someone who wants to enjoy life with you to the fullest.

Remember always, cooperation can be good for a relationship as long as it does not overstep the boundaries of either partner's core being.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Ariel asks...

"Dear Ange:
I love reading your articles about men, they are so helpful, but I have a problem and I would like your advice.
I've been seeing this guy since February. The end of April I went out to a club with my girlfriend and he was there with another girl! I was so upset, but I kept my cool and pretended he wasn't there!
Two weeks went by when he finally called. I answered the call he proceeded to tell me that he was sorry, and that he didn't do it on purpose. He also informs me that I shouldn't have been upset with him because we never established a relationship.
He told me that he really likes me and wants to hang out and get to know me better.
Since then we've been hanging out a lot more! We've been on lots of dates like a trip to Miami, movies, dinners, clubs, even grocery shopping!
The issues that I have are that I'm a flight attendant and he's a party promoter. So we both stay busy. We see each other once maybe twice a week. I would like to spend more quality time, but I don't want to seem too needy.
I'm tired of implementing the "Rules"! Not calling him and letting him call me. Pretending not to care so much, when I really do.
Wanting to ask where our relationship is headed.
Should I ask where it's going, or continue to be stuck in a rut?
I feel a great connection but when or will he ask for a commitment?!
I don't want to scare him off!

Ange Answers...

Hello Ariel,

This is a great question that is on sooo many women's minds. 

How do you have "The Talk" about where the relationship is heading?

Some women wonder if it's even necessary to have "The Talk" at all.

Rest assured that it is VERY necessary!

First, lets talk about when you should have "Talk with him" and not "THE TALK" to him.
1. If you have been dating for more than 3 to 6 months regularly in person. E-mails and phone calls do not count as dating.

2. Preferably before you start sleeping together. If you have slept together then any time after that is more than appropriate.
Next, let's talk about how to get the details in order.

That way,  you can minimized potential distractions and/or frustrations:
1. Choose a quiet private place to talk.

2. Make sure you are in the right frame of mind to be able to engage in as calm and reasonable a discussion as possible. When feelings are involved it is hard to talk sometimes.

3. Make sure the timing is good for the both of you. There shouldn't be any real time constraints.
I know you might very well be nervous when it comes time, but no matter what empower yourself with the notion that staying stuck in a "rut" is no way to live!

Trust me, I understand the fear of talking about moving the relationship forward.

You maybe worried that he will get scared off and never talk to you again.

So I challenge you to think about WHY it is important to you to move the relationship forward.

Doing so will help your resolve in making sure "The Talk with him" actually happens.

  • Do you want be exclusive and feel safe that there is no one else in his life? 
  • Are you looking forward to getting married and perhaps having kids?
Who wants to spend unnecessary time with someone who will never commit to you, if that's your goal?

There is nothing wrong with wanting any of those things.

Avoiding "The Talk with him" serves no real productive purpose.

If YOU are avoiding it then it's to keep from scaring him off.

If HE is avoiding it then it's to keeping you from leaving.

If you want to get on the fast-track to "settling" with what you got, then feel free to continue avoiding "The Talk with him".

But if you want more out of your relationship, then have "The Talk with him" with him.

So what exactly gets said during "The Talk with him"?

I'm glad you asked!

Write down your what you want to say.

Bring your notes with you just in case you get distracted and forget some of the important things to talk about.

Ask him what he would like out of an ideal relationship.

Ask what vision he has for himself a year from now.

Note here that I did not say for the two of you.

You want him to be free to answer honestly and from the heart.

Then, state what you want out of life and your view of an idea relationship.

As I am single single I would let the women I liked know that I don't date anyone for more than a year with out the prospect of forming a real relationship.

I would also share with them my thoughts about relationships openly.

I happen to know that when a man knows he has the woman of his dreams he will usually realize it within a year.

I will always ask the woman I am dating, her  thoughts on the matter.

  • What is holding them back from being able to commit to an exclusive relationship in general  and/or with me specifically?
  • Can whatever it is be resolved, or not?
  • Was there simply a  misunderstanding somewhere along the way?
  • Are the differences between us too great for there to be any long-term potential?
Have two or three outcomes in mind along with your actions that follow logically about the man you are with.

For example:

If he can't envision embarking upon an exclusive relationship with you right now or in the very near future then your action would be to let him know first that you are glad he was honest with you.

But the truth is that you have a different goal in mind for yourself and as much as you like or love him you must move on.

If he is unsure of things, you may want to give him time to think about his goals and what he wants out of life.

That way he will be able to process what life would be potentially like with or without you are in that picture or not.

Who knows?

He may have being wanting to move the relationship forward but was worried that you didn't.

Having found that you are on the same page, your plan of action could be to stay with him as long as the relationship keeps moving forward in a reasonable way.

May you enjoy all the real happiness life has to offer.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Carol asks...

"Ange, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me and I'm FURIOUS. What's the best way to teach a CHEATER a lesson? I really want him to pay for what he did to me!"


Ange Replies...

Hi Carol,

Thank you for writing to me with your question.

Here's the really short version:

Don't bother - revenge is stupid and won't make you feel better anyway.

And now here's the longer version:

I totally understand where you're coming from and the RAGE that you feel right now.

I don't show it much and I work really hard to keep it under control, but I've got a temper myself when someone really upsets me.

(It doesn't bother me if somebody insults or wrongs me, but if they go after a friend or someone I love I can be a total hard.)

So part of me wants to get all clever here . . .

You could strap him down and tattoo "CHEATER" on his penis so he could never be with a woman again without here knowing what a scum bag he is . 

You could create an elaborate scheme where you make him think he's won the lottery so he quits his job and tells off his boss only to discover that you've actually hoovered every penny he has out of his bank account and he's now a homeless bum . . . 

You could sleep with his best friend and get it all on tape so he knows how this betrayal FEELS.

(I know a woman who did that, actually. Worst part: Her boyfriend wasn't even cheating on her. Egg on her face, huh?)

But you know what I really think you should do?


I mean, you shouldn't just stand there and let him walk all over you.

If you had an agreement that the two of you were going to be monogamous and he broke it, you are right to act on that information.

If it was an ongoing affair or if he cheated multiple times with multiple people you'll probably want to leave him.

If it was a one time "act of passion" you'll want to think about whether or not you can ever trust him again and make your decision from there.

But here's the thing . . .

If you let yourself get consumed by a need for REVENGE or even a need for him to sincerely apologize you're actually giving him POWER over you that he doesn't deserve.

You're saying to him (and to the entire world) "My happiness is dependent on YOUR actions and YOUR feeling bad about what you did."

But you have absolutely no control over this guy and even less control over how he feels.

Which means you'll never be happy. 

Also I have read and I also recommend you read this great book by a Stanford professor named Dr. Frederic Luskin who's the world's biggest authority on Forgiveness.

(He wrote a great book called "Forgive For Love.")

And what Dr. Luskin says again and again (after decades of experience counselling couples) is that the only way to move on and heal after an affair or a betrayal is to Forgive your partner.

That doesn't mean you have to condone what they did.

That doesn't mean you forget what they did.

But it does mean that you let go of a need for revenge or a need for an apology and focus on the only thing you can actually control here:

Your own life and your own reactions.

Not the answer you were looking for, I know.

Revenge serves no one Carol and in the long run, althought the sense of betrayal hurts and you are full of anger and hurt.

Forgiving him and yes yourself, because there will be a lot guilt feelings amongst all those hot and boiling emotions.

Will help you move on and heal for yourself a lot quicker then if you hold onto that anger and a sense of betrayal and wanting revenge.

Because holding onto to those feelings will screw you up far more than anything he did.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

EW Asks...

"Hi.  I come across your site and I was wondering if you had any advice for this...

I was dating a guy for about a month. This guy is brutally honest and sometimes he would say things that hurt my feelings. I would talk to my friends about it to see if I was just overreacting.

He found out and we ended up breaking up. I really want to be with him.

He was mad that I wouldn't open up to him, but he wouldn't open up to me either so I don't really understand. He said when we first got together I made him really happy and then I just made him unhappy the more he got to know me. And that when he looked at me he still thought he was going to be really happy with me but it just didn't happen.

I wanted another chance with him because I am so sure I could make him happier than he has ever been, but he says he doesn't know what he feels anymore and only wants to be friends. My friends think that he wanted me to break up with him... I just don't know what I should do here.

I was so happy with him. No one has ever made me that happy, even though a few of the things he said hurt. :/ But he always made up for it later... I miss him and want to be with him more then anything.... Any ideas?..."


Ange Answers...

Hi EW,

Thank you for writing to me and your message

Two big things here...

1. You can't "make him happy" and it's not your job to make him happy anyway.

Listen, I've talked about this plenty of times before, but the whole idea that a woman can "make" a man happy or a man can "make" a woman happy is totally toxic to good relationships.

He's responsible for his own happiness and you're responsible for yours.

Your job in a relationship is to be a good partner, to be supportive, to be positive.

It's NOT to bend yourself out of shape trying to make him happy.

Focus on your own happiness and the romance will come.

2. This guy sounds very controlling and manipulative to me (and I think you're right that he was trying to get you to break up with him because he couldn't pull the trigger himself.)

There are much better guys out there.

Focus on yourself.

Build up your self esteem and confidence and enjoy living your life as YOU! 

And those men who find you "attractive" for you being the REAL you will be tripping over themselves to be with you.

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And last but not lest...


The first question is from Shelly on Facebook who asks . . .
"Would you end a good thing with someone you've fallen in love with because you know they deserve better?"

Hey Shelly,
Great (and PAINFUL) question and a couple things in the way you phrased your (delightfully short) question concern me.
But before we get to that, let's talk about a few situations in which it is beat you let someone go . . .
You should ALWAYS let a guy go (even if you're desperately in love with him) if . . .
1. You're emotionally or physically abusive to him (and I do hear from women regularly who say they are physically abusive to their men. End the relationship. Get therapy.)
2. He's emotionally or physically abusive to you. (There's no excuse for laying a hand on a woman and no matter what you tell yourself he's not going to change. This goes double if you have kids since they're learning awful lessons.)
3. If you're emotionally unavailable.
4. If you fight all the time and simply aren't happy in the relationship even if you love each other like crazy. (Love is  not always enough. You have to like each other too.)
But from your question I don't get the feeling any of these categories apply to you.

You say "Would you end  a "good thing" because you know they deserve better."
And my question in response is "How could they do better than a good thing?"
If you love him and he loves you . . . if you enjoy each other's company . . . if you swoon when he holds you in his arms . . . if you do everything you can to make his life better and if he does everything he can in return . . .
Well, I'm not sure it really gets "better" than that. 
Unless we're talking about trying to breed to super humans to create some kind of ULTRA BABY.
It sounds to me like you've got some self esteem issues and some of what I call "toxic insecurity."

But in order to really be loved you have to love yourself. 
If you love him and he loves you . . .(and maybe he sees you better than you see yourself) I don't see any reason to end it.

How about instead of pushing him away, you just do the work to be the wonderful woman you think he deserves?
Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

And Finally Debbie asks . . .
"I recently started dating a widower and he is still mourning his wife after 1 1/2 years. Should I give up  on him? He says he does not want a serious relationship and just wants to be friends. So now we are not seeing each other and he does not even respond to emails."
Hi Debbie,
Competing with a dead woman is a great way to go mad. 1 1/2 years after a lengthy marriage isn't so long.

It's going to take him a while to come out of it and be "OK" with being emotionally involved with someone else.

It's up to you if you want to be his friend or not, but I'd recommend you move on.
Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Thank you for all your GREAT QUESTIONS!

And that wraps up this issue of "Intimate Communion" Dating, Relationships & Sex Questions. 

And as ever...Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. Average men and women know only the rules. Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

For Love and Intimacy...

Ange Fonce

What are Your thoughts and ideas?

"Use the Comments box below and "Have Your Say" (even if you disagree with me).  I really appreciate it when people reply with thoughtful comments. Honestly, it makes my day. 

Your Questions And Enquiries

If you would like to send me a question or a problem you are having that I can answer.

It will help Me write a truly helpful answer much more quickly if you keep it to a simple format.

As you can imagine, I'm a busy Man, so here are the rules:

1. Your question must be no more than 3 paragraphs, please.

2. Get as specific as you can - the details help Me really get a feel for your unique situation.

3. You will not abuse my trust in you.

4. You will not send customer support emails and spam to my contact email. If you do that you will not get a response and I will probably have to stop being so open with my time and providing a "Free" advice service. Seriously. I want to help you, but to do that I need you to respect Me and My time as much as I respect yours.

Please feel free to forward this article to a friend or let them know they can receive their own articles by subscribing to "Intimate Communion". I am sure they will appreciate your consideration of them."