“Love Depression”
That Can Break Your Lover And Destroy A Relationship.

By Ange Fonce

We are living in a romantic and idealized society... that leads us to “think” that the “mythical power of love" can save anything and everybody... yet is this true? 

Does this kind of “thinking”... hold any reality when faced with the reality of "love depression?"

There are many instances in life where love is not enough... in many cases... it clouds over reality for us to see what is really there... when it comes to relationships... love is essential... love provides the reason to keep going when all else fails... yet there has to be other things in place as well such as “mutual responsibility... respect...  trust”... and “commitment.” 

Relationships can be great when all is going well... yet what happens when there is an bump in the road... or more like what happens when there is a huge boulder in the road as when one partner suffers from “love depression?”

In this article I wanted to address some of the questions and themes I see repeatedly from couples I work with who are experiencing difficulties in their relationship and who come to me for help and guidance about their relationship... so let me ask a question of you if you are having difficulties in your relationship at this time.

Is Your Partner Love Depressed Or Just Not That Into You?

When you are living with a “love depressed” partner... as with anything... there are no right or wrong answers... just many shades of grey... you know your partner best and also what is right for you. 

I can give you advice... yet ultimately you are the person who must live with your decisions... so it is best to take the time to reflect upon all facets of the situation including your own well being.

Here are some of my thoughts to help you along with this process.

You cannot change anybody... only yourself... this is such a true adage yet there are so many people who completely ignore this wisdom and go about trying to morph their loved one into their ideal vision of a mate... not going to happen. 

  • You are not your partners mother or father. 
  • You are not their saviour. 
  • You are not their therapist. 
  • You are to be their equal partner. 
  • Yes... you can help... support... and love your significant other... yet you cannot change them... nor do you have the right to change them.
They have to take the “choice”... to “change” them self... your loved one is responsible for their own life... once you start assuming responsibility for changing your partner... then you enable all sorts of irresponsible behaviours... you are opening a “can of worms”... for yourself... why would they do anything to help themselves when you are doing it for them? 

Stop focusing on trying to change your partner and focus on changing you and how you respond... to them... do you realise or “understand”... that by doing this.... you by your “behaviours” and “actions” can be the cause of the "love depression"... in the partner you reportedly say... "you love?"
 
It can seem very alluring to choose a mate based upon how lost or needy they seem... you are going to be that “special someone” to change their life... you are going to "rescue" them... and make it all... all right... I mean "love conquers all" does it not?

No... your "specialness" is not derived from how much you “think you are needed”... what is going to happen is you will become “resentful” that the person you are “saving”... is not exactly thankful for your help... they in turn... will become “resentful” that you have tried to “fix” them. 

Entering a relationship to save or change someone is a recipe for disaster and heart break... sometimes your girlfriend... boyfriend... or spouse may tell you things that you do not want to hear. 

These hard to hear things may include... 

  • Needing a break from the relationship or space.
  • Wanting to see other people.
  • Telling you that they have fallen out of love with you or that how they feel for you has changed.
  • Wanting to end the relationship.
If your partner is saying these things... it might have taken them a long time to muster up the courage to do so... if any of these things are said during an argument... or in anger then you may have just cause to wonder if they are true... and sometimes it may be a "passive ploy" to test your "resolve" to stay in the relationship. 

Generally... if someone says they want to end a relationship... many times they do mean it... something is not working for them... and it is a “signal”...they are letting you know... it may be easy to dismiss such things as...

“Well this is just them having a moan and complaining again.”

And this can give you false sense of security... if they have said it... that is how they are feeling right now... will it change... when they are feeling “love depressed?”

Anything is possible... and I would not count on it.

"But I love them!"

You say to me... I am sure you do... yet the flow of love is not a one way street... in order for the relationship to work and grow... certain things need to be present and they are... the "key element" being... you both want to be in the relationship.

If your partner is telling you that they want to end things then there is not much you can do to dissuade them of their feelings... you cannot force someone to love you or be there if they do not want to be... there needs to be "respect" from both partners for each other... this "mutual respect" means not playing the "blame game"... it also means that there is no "psychological or physical" abuse going on. 

Both partners need to be responsible for their own life... you cannot be held responsible for your loved one... “love depression”... nor can you be responsible for your loved one... “love happiness”... if one partner is responsible for everything in the relationship... then it is not going to work out.

Consider this...

One of the variations on the relationship “love depression” question I get asked is...

“If my partner starts taking antidepressants and getting therapy... will they fall back in love with me?” 

It can definitely make things better for the both of you if your partner is getting the therapeutic help they need... yet this is no guarantee... that things will be all hunky dory in your relationship... in fact... the process of therapy may allow your partner to process unresolved feelings that they had previously been afraid to explore... your partner “personal growth”... may include leaving the relationship... it may be hard for you to envision such an outcome... and it does happen.

It may be extremely painful to leave a relationship where you genuinely love your partner... and in some situations this is what your partner may want in order for them to move on with their life. 

Yes... “love depression”... can sometimes cloud over reason and even loving feelings... yet there are some circumstances when not even love may be enough to save the relationship... prolonged waiting and clinging onto the past may actually hinder your partner “personal growth”... as well as your own... there comes a time when you must "listen" to what your partner is "communicating" and not just what you want to hear... as difficult and as painful as that may be... living in "reality" is far better than living in a "delusion"... that the power of your love will make everything all right.

Whatever you are currently going through in your relationship... remember that you are not alone... there are many people who are enduring the same struggles. 

Love Depression... is one of the biggest cause for relationships breaking down and eventually breaking up... when you are the partner suffering with “love depression”... life is incredibly difficult and painful... and the second most painful and difficult position is experienced by the person trying to love their partner... experiencing “love depression.”

The rejection is heart breaking... feeling like your presence... doing anything in your ability to help... makes your partner worse... or does not matter at all... can really hurt you.

Here are 5 coping strategies that will support you during the difficult times caused by “love depression.”

Strategy 1... Do not take it personally...

Nothing that is expressed... or takes place during your loved one “love depression” is personal... when they reject you... and they will... IT IS NOT PERSONAL... rejection has nothing to do with you... isolation is an instinctive response to suffering “love depression.”

Rejection can also be seen as an act of protection... your loved one does not want to hurt you... the only thing “love depression”  can do to you... is hurt your feelings... everything that is said is a reflection of the “love depression”... "the fear... the anxiety... the panic and the pain"... it is a very heavy load... and if you take it personally... the load will become yours.

When someone is experiencing “love depression”... they experience the inability to be themselves and it feels permanent... when they cannot be themselves with you... i.e... be loving with you... it hurts them more and makes the “love depression” feel worse... people often share with me that their loved one experiencing “love depression” are able to talk with casual friends and acquaintances and that those people are helpful... and it hurts you to hear that.

My response to that is... that partners... parents... children and best friends are different from casual friends... colleagues and acquaintances... they  get to actually see the "love depression"... and the effects.

Casual friends... colleagues and acquaintances get to see your loved one... “representative”... they get to see your loved one pretend to not be “love depressed”... they get to distract your loved one... if your loved one does talk with them about their feelings... they are not dragging them through the mud the way they do with you... instead... they give their friends the story off...

“I am struggling... and look how well I am handling it.”

Casual friends do not know that when your loved one gets home... or when you get home... that they cannot get off the couch and wish they were dead... of course your loved one feels better when they get to "pretend" that they are okay.

Strategy 2... Accept that you cannot make your loved one be “not love depressed”... or feel good...

This is a really hard thing for anyone to accept... “love depression”... hurts not only the one experiencing it... it also hurts the people who love them the most. 

Here is a metaphor that I share that has helped people develop acceptance of this statement...

“When we come into life we are all given two things... a shovel and a bucket of shit... it does not matter in life that we have a bucket of shit... we all have it... we always will... it never goes away and no matter what you do... the shit will always be there.

What matters is what you do with your shovel.

Some will use their shovel to take their own shit and put it in another person  bucket... they never actually can get rid of their shit... they simply make other people feel like crap... some will use their shovel to stick in other peoples shit and then put other peoples shit in their own bucket.

Others will first use their shovel to cover their bucket from giving others shit and receiving other peoples shit and then figure out what they can grow with the shit that they have... if you stick your shovel in your loved one shit who is experiencing “love depression”... it does not make the “love depression” go away... it just puts the “love depression” in your own bucket and adds to your shit.

You cannot make flowers grow in a bucket of shit that is not your own.”

I would like to think you get the point here... your love will not solve or heal other peoples “love  depression”... only when they start to “own” their  "love" again will it help them heal and solve their own “love depression.”

And your love... understanding... support and care can be a... BIG HELP... instead of “trying to making it better”... take the pressure off yourself to fix it by...

  • Simply being with the person you love.
  • Sitting beside them.
  • Holding their hand.
  • Rubbing their head and their feet.
  • Validating their feelings...  what they are experiencing is horrible.
  • Reminding them that what they are experiencing is temporary.
This will not make the “love depression” go away... it will help them get through the suffering.

Strategy 3... Keep Your Perspective...

Love Depression is in a relationship with the person you love... not the person you love... your loved one is not “love depressed”... “love depression” is NOT who they are... your loved one is experiencing “love depression”... they are in a relationship with “love depression”... that has them “captured or held hostage”... it can be a “destructive" relationship... and “love depression” can also be caused by “love addiction”... when you are completely “addicted in love” with another... who does not respond to that love... will cause “love depression”... it is not easy cycle to get out of... it can be total hell... for the individual experiencing “love depression.” 

It can help your loved one to hear that you know that this is not who they are... and that you are  there for them... it is also important for your loved one to know that you “love and care”...for them even though they are not themselves.

Of course they will not respond the way you want them to… with love... affection and appreciation... and deep down beneath all of the pain... anxiety... self loathing...  fear... etc... your loved one is still there and needs more than ever to be supported and cared for.

Strategy 4... Interpreting Rejection...

When your loved one is in a “love depression”... rejecting you and pushing you away as best they can... they are not saying...

“I need you and want more of you.”

It would be easy to allow their rejection to cause you to dive into a “love depression” yourself and feel heart broken... here is an alternative interpretation to their rejection...

“I need to be alone.”

Interpretation...

“I need to escape this by sleeping as much as possible... I cannot escape it as easily if you are here talking with me about it... why don’t you go do something you need to do for yourself.”

“I would rather be with my friends... than you.”

Interpretation...

“When I am with my friends... it distracts me from how horrible I feel... my friends do not ask me how I am feeling... they do not ask me if anything is wrong... if they see something is wrong... they wait until I share...  if I do not share... they do not ask…they just keep talking about themselves.”

“I do not know if I want our relationship.”

Interpretation...  If your relationship was in good standing when your loved when went into the “love depression”…

”I am not myself... I do not like who I am being... this is not who I want to be... I do not want to treat you this way... this feels permanent... if this is how I will always treat you... I do not want to be with you.”

“You do not make me feel better.”

Interpretation...

“You cannot make me feel better even though you really try to... when I am with you... I still feel so depressed because I do not get to pretend to be okay when I am with you... when I am with you I am stuck feeling whatever I feel and there is nothing you can do to make me feel better.”

Remember this... when you feel you are being rejected... go back to Strategy 1... "Do not take it personally."

Strategy 5... Your Own Self Care...

When your loved one is experiencing “love depression”... it is not your responsibility to make them feel better... you cannot... your responsibility is to take care of yourself.

It is incredibly difficult to not be sucked in by the “love depression” of your loved one because of how much you care... it is your “responsibility” to not be sucked in... it is your “responsibility” to take “care of yourself.”

Think about what soothes you... brings you joy... and nurtures you... here are some areas of “self care”... to explore:

  • Exercise... movement
  • Being in nature... being outside
  • Attitude of gratitude and appreciation
  • Connection with others
  • Being creative... artistic
  • Self expression... support group... keeping a Journal
  • Your own personal development
  • Personal therapy
  • Playing
  • Healthy cooking... healthy living
  • Personal meditation... guided meditation... Yoga
Love Depression is incredibly hard on everyone involved... when you are loving someone with “love depression”... it is so important that you make the time to “love yourself”... to “nurture yourself”... and “receive support” in a way that is ”fulfilling to you.”

Love Depression... is not understood by most men and women and it is often the “hidden elephant"... that is eating away as an acid to the “love” inside a person and the “love” within the relationship. 

And in writing this article as a professional coach and therapist... I am able to comment from "personal experience"... just how destructive "love depression" can be... not only to yourself... also to those  who "love" you too!

If you see yourself as experiencing “love depression”... or are living with a partner who is experiencing “love depression.”

You can Contact me to get “help”... with this very debilitating condition.

And practically speaking... that completes this conversation.

As always... leave a man or woman all the better for knowing you.

Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!

They are truly Passionate and DYNAMIC Lovers!

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

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