Intimacy lives in the tension. 


It is the drive to get your own needs met and the drive to ensure your lovers needs get met... love both covers your lovers vulnerabilities and calls out their inadequacies... love accommodates and demands growth. 

The beauty of loving tension is that it has something powerful residing within it... energy. 

You do not get to choose when that energy will get released from the tension... you do get to choose whether it will be intelligent creative empowering energy or blind destructive destroying energy... it comes down to your personal intent... to rise and empower or to control and manipulate?

When two lovers stand right in the middle of their relational tensions and extend themselves to invest in their own highest best and the highest best of the other... a powerful astonishing energy is released...  it is named and known as INTIMACY! 

And intimacy is a key is to building deep TRUST between lovers... and TRUST is the solid foundation value for those of The Tribe of  Dynamic Lifers!




Please Be Aware 


That Some Published Content 


Is Of An Intimate Nature. 



How Conflict Can Build Intimacy In Your Relationships By Ange Fonce

May 6, 2019


How Conflict Can Build Intimacy In Your Relationships  

By Ange Fonce


Voices are raised.

The hissing fits are in full flow.

The anger levels are of the scale.

And that is just the cats!

Now we get to YOU!

How often do you find yourself in such conflict situations with your partner, that when you really think about it. Are often over such trivial things, which with some reasoned thought, would be easy to resolve.

So how come you are not doing it?

I know that it can seem impossible, when it comes to solving tensions with those you live with, particularly when text messages are the major part of the 'conversation?'

How often have those 'conversations' gone completely wrong because of a 'miss-understand?'

Now let us see what you can do to defuse tension fairly quickly and head off a 'conflict explosion.'

First lets discuss how you can reduce the treat of conflict.





Start With The Talk-To-Listen Ratio


In other words you listen 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time. Invest time actually 'thinking' and process what you are hearing.

How often do you do that?

Most men and women suck at processing what the other person says because they do not get it. They have, unfortunately had so much of the process explained only in psychological mumbo jumbo that just leaves you wondering what was said?

Shall we continue are you ready for the next part?

Read on...


Silence On Your Part


First thing, 'silence' means it is for you to shut up... totally.

Jaw wired shut, no eyes rolling behind the head. Rolling eyes is guaranteed to light the fuse of conflict.

And conflict can explode RIGHT NOW with one word spoken from your mouth, because you primed it with the roll of your eyes!



Ears Open - Mouth Shut - No Rolling Eyes!


It means, do not try and think of what you are going to say in response to what they say or do.

You LISTEN and record!

Make this a forever strategy. Yes, the very best thing for you to do is to take notes during an argument (fight).

Write down what you are HEARING.

It will take a while to get used to doing this, and do it. When what is being spoken is 'recorded' on paper, people tend to 
instantly 'go down' a few levels and 'tone down' what they are saying. And the fact is, you will have it all written down so you have zero chance of misunderstanding what they are thinking/feeling.

You need to gather 'Information!'

And do not ever roll those eyes again.

Conflict has stopped ticking.





Listen To What They Are Saying.


You already thinking how wrong they are (or are they, how do you know?)

Strange... they are also mistakenly thinking how wrong you are (has this thought crossed your mind, maybe - maybe not?).

Therefore you only have one way (without actually fighting and blowing you both up in conflict, and what will that prove?).

You can let each other be wrong without having to prove it to them. Becuase conflict is still there and you dare roll those eyes!

Why have I made an emphises on eye rolling... because it signals disdain and dismisal to the other person that you do not care.

By dealing with the PROBLEM, not the BEHAVIOR, you avoid attacking the other person. If you are 'arguing' with your child (or whoever) about a curfew (or whatever), stick to the issue of the curfew or to his or her behaviour of breaking curfew.  e containing a bin bag with the remains of you..

And you are not an arrogant person... are you?

Let us move on to the next step.


Communication 


You know, that thing where you actually talk and LISTEN to each other, to get to UNDERSTAND each others point of view!

You have now an 'idea' of the basic tools you need to stop the bomb exploding.

Now the next step is to defuse conflict that can still go off, is being able to repeat, without sarcasm, or put downs (or rolling those dam eyes, I am watching you) what they have just said.

People want evidence that you 'understand' them, and because 90% of all people argue and never even hear what the other person said, you have now become a different species of human being in their mind. Even if you think they are wrong, at least you GET to understand what they are saying.

You can at least make 'sense' of their argument for them.

This is called building RAPPORT and the relationship between the two of you is now starting to be on the same page and wavelength because they feel you are understanding them.

You are now starting to defuse conflict.



Show Understanding That You Are UNDERSTANDING


This step in defusing conflict is to show that you REALLY UNDERSTAND their point of view.

As strange as it may seem to you, it IS their point of view. It IS their feelings. And know it or not, they are entitled to feel whatever they feel.

If you do not understand some of the issues they are expressing then ask and say simply that 'you do not understand' and ask them open questions, such as how, who, what, where and when?

This invites the other person to explain in more detail what their problem is. And helps you in building RAPPORT and UNDERSTANDING with them.

To say you 'understand' when really you do not, is not only dishonest and lacks integrity. It is really stupid on your part, because if they sense and feel you are lying to them. CONFLICT EXPLODES - BIG TIME! And there will be a box some where containing a bin bag with the remains of you.

Provide validation that you understand their thoughts and feelings... YOU GET THEM!

Because at this point, providing that YOU have been real and authentic, conflict is generally defused and now you have to get to the cause of the conflict. So emotional tensions do not escalate again and set the conflict fuse going again.

In each argument, creative discussion, fight, blow out - you want to be able to get to the cause by completing this sentence...

"You must have felt X when you saw or experienced Y."

Listen and I mean REALLY listen to what is said and show empathy with that other person. I will be straight with you, that this is far and away the most difficult part.

I mean, you got the conflict defused and that sentence takes the heat out the conflict and renders it impotent.


Realize That You Are Listening


Listening is NOT apologizing.

It is not time for swearing or saying someone is wrong and shouting your mouth off. Listening is when you are building a bridge to understanding the other persons problems and issues.

You are the one stopping the conflict from exploding.

You are taking the role of Leader.




Be Aware of Flooded Feelings - Yours And Theirs


Using 'Conflict Diffusion Technology' during an argument is the first step you can take to rapidly mellow the situation and solve whatever problems have arisen.

Realize, however, that when people feel strongly about an issue, their flooded emotions will influence their ability to communicate and listen. Flooded means their heart rate is accelerated, their mind is racing, and no matter what, when someone’s heart rate is elevated, even from physical activity, they are NOT going to communicate as effectively... if at all. 

You are better off waiting at least 30 minutes for emotionally flooding feelings to subside.

Author and famed marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman teaches this and it is a method I use personally and teach my own clients, and I will be honest in saying, it is easier said than done... yet when you master this method, it really works.


Okay You LISTENED - Now What Do THEY Have To DO?


Because if you suggest 'intelligent communication,' you could get shot, let alone blown up in conflict.

That simply means that your interpretation of their communication is something near Pre-School Level. And again this is a sign of arrogance and putting arrogance anywhere near conflict will start all out war!

So do not do that.

Here are five techniques you can use to defuse disasters and enhance effective communication and have an intelligent discussion that builds intimacy, instead of a war.

FIRST... Criticize the issue or behavior, not the person.

I hate criticism as much as you do. I imagine the person I am arguing with does, too. So do not do it.

By dealing with the PROBLEM, not the BEHAVIOR, you avoid attacking the other person. If you are 'arguing' with your child (or whoever) about a curfew (or whatever), stick to the issue of the curfew or to his or her behaviour of breaking curfew.  e containing a bin bag with the remains of you...

Do not dig up all of his/her past mistakes or call him/her a 'dumb' who cannot do anything right. And I would most certainly would not advise this with any adult, you may end up with a smack in the face!

That is attacking the person and will shred their self-esteem and create dam-sized barriers between you both. Listen to what they have to say, and keep them on track if he/she strays from the issue. Continue to defuse, using the tools I have described above, even if the other person does not. Your continued use of 'Diffusion Techniques' will help put a stop to a potentially damaging situation.

Remenber you have taken the role of LEADER! And YOU have to go up one level and look at the situation from a OPEN Point of View. Not you throwing rocks from behind your defenses. Realize that this person has SOME worth.
It is almost impossible to practice 'Diffusion Techniques' if you dismiss the other person as inferior or worthless (verbally or in your mind.)

You do not have to agree with them, and it is crucial that you respect their right to a different opinion and acknowledge his/her sense of value as a person. Find something that the two of you have in common in reference to this situation. Reference a time that was a better day.

Try to understand what the other person is saying and why he/she feels a certain way.

SECOND... Get TOTALLY OUT of BLACK AND WHITE Thinking.

Avoid absolutes, assumptions and generalizations - right/wrong, bad/good, always/never.

Phrases like "you always" or "you never" are absolutes and generalizations that shut down communication. If you hear them and understand them, counter with this...

"I hear you saying I always do such and so. I get that. Actually I..."

The same is true of statements that indicate right/wrong or bad/good. This is not to say there are not such situations, and in an argument most right/wrong or bad/ good situations are merely exaggerations and the truth is somewhere in between. Sweeping generalizations polarize a conflict. The focus then is not on solving the problem at hand, and instead the focus becomes each party effectively defining his or her respective position and feelings.

Speak with "I feel" messages instead of "You are" messages.

For example, when you say... "You moron, you do not know what you are talking about," you are sending a 'you' message.

An 'I' message would be, "I do not understand what you are trying to say." "I am upset when I need to take extra time to pick up your things."

The 'you' message lays blame on the speaker.  The 'I' message expresses your concerns. The same is true with your teen/husband/wife/friend.

An 'I' message would be, "I worry about you when you are not home by your curfew," or "When you come in after your curfew, I feel like you are purposely defying me."

The 'I' message tells the other person how you feel about a situation. The 'I' message is concerned with the issue. The 'you' message attacks the person.

Engage your thinking brain and suspend your emotions.

Why have I made an emphasis on eye rolling... because it signals disdain and dismissal to the other person that you do not care., slowly 'go down' a few levels and 'tone down' what they are saying. And the fact is, you will have it all written down so you have zero chance of misunderstanding what they are thinking/feeling.

This is perhaps the hardest of the five techniques because verbal conflicts by nature are emotional.

THIRD... Arguing vs. Discussing

The ultimate goal is to turn the verbal conflict into a discussion.  Verbal conflicts are a total waste of time. They are counterproductive in conducting business (at home or office) and certainly do not foster a harmonious relationship and home life.

They cannot be permitted. Instead of letting your emotions take over, ask yourself...

"How can I help solve this problem?"

"What solution is best for both of us?"

"What can we change?"

You need to control your emotions for the sake of the issue. The problem that is causing the conflict.

Listen non-judgmentally.

It requires an intelligent person to do so... And YOU are an 'Intelligent' person, right?

Now wait a minute... What about THEM?

They are getting off easy. You are acting intelligent, wise and caring and they are behaving like they are from the planet psycho-nut. That does not seem fair. Hey, life is not fair, accept 'responsibility' that you are the SMART one who has taken the role of leader.

FORTH... Use Your Intelligence And Not Your Emotions

1: Do not get in a power struggle.

Part of being the person who is NOT from the planet psycho-nut, is to realize that you DO NOT WANT TO BE FROM THERE.  You want to be the poster child for intelligence, wisdom, sensibility, caring... and... wait for it... being LOVING!

At first it will drive them nuts. I mean, think about it. They are SCREAMING at you about what a jerk you are while you QUIETLY sit with your NOTE PAD, taking COPIOUS NOTES.

Do you know how fast a person realizes they are being incredibly irrational with the massive emotional contrast that exists between you both? It is almost instantaneous. There is a significant relationship between power and authority. Many times, as power increases, authority decreases and vice versa.

Erik Erikson noted that children become emotionally disturbed when they possess power they cannot responsibly handle.
Clearly defined norms and rules are needed to govern life, or people become self-destructive. That is why eventually, you will ask the other person to adopt the strategy of leaving planet psycho-nut and join you on your planet. And in the case of kids, it may seem you live in a world with generations of X’s and Y’s and Millennial's that are almost anarchists?

One creative response you can bring to conflict is an ability to give away power, allowing others to take control of their feelings and the event in question. Your authority psychologically INCREASES when you empower others instead of getting into power struggles.  If you can find a way to turn aside power struggles, you will be more effective during conflict.

Do not detach from the conflict. At first, this may seem contradictory, and it is actually a way to monitor conflict and keep it under control. It is important that you have a passionate concern for both the people and the problem. All relationship involve people, and any form of relationship cannot operate efficiently until substantial conflicts are managed.
Concern is one motivation that drives us to find the opportunity in conflict.

Never let conflict determine your agenda.

Steven Covey was probably the first to come up with the concept of important vs. urgent. It is imperative to do the important tasks, not the urgent.  This principle is often distorted under the pressure of conflict, and many important personal and business matters are ignored in an attempt to deal with the conflict.

2... Perspective is the key.

In conflict, you must know both the goals and direction in which to move. Decision and responses to conflict should match this overall direction.  And sometimes urgent needs interfere with daily schedules.  A time study should reveal that you have spent time managing priorities and not managing conflict un-endingly. Remember that every minute spent in emotional verbal conflict is destructive of everything around you.

The business you are in. The relationship you are in. And it is a huge waste of time that benefits no one. In order to help you manage the urgent, do not spend all your time and energy on one point. Move to something where agreement can be found.

3... Time Traps, Resentment and Stress Lead to Conflict Building

At home or in business, watch time traps. Are there tasks that always seem to consume your time before you are aware it has gone?

That is worth fixing. Now, identify urgent issues, especially negative or conflict issues.  If you notice one consistent time offender, manage that offender. The intensity of the conflict determines which strategies will be the most effective. It is easy to be pushed to worst-case scenarios when faced with a difficult conflict.  Those locked into higher levels of conflict lose their ability to quantify the intensity of the problem. Do not let that be you.
 
FIFTH... Rule of Conflict Engagement

Keep in mind the following...
 
People are rarely as benevolent as they perceive themselves to be. (Even you and me!)

People are rarely as evil as their opponents perceive them to be.

Individuals rarely invest as much time thinking about the issues as they like to 'think' they do.

The motivations of others are rarely as planned or thought out as presented.

Most aspects of conflict spin off other events, and are not the result of cold-hearted calculation.

Every conflict has a history, a cause that extends beyond the present. The people and their previous patterns of relating taint the present perception.

Anthony Robbins once said that we get angry when someone breaks our rules. He said something like, "all conflicts are 'rules' conflicts." What he is saying makes a lot of sense.

Next time a conflict starts, it might be worth asking yourself... "What rule am I breaking?"

And then... "What rule of mine is he/she breaking?"

You figure that out, and it might be a very short conflict and no explosions!


A New And Peaceful Planet.


You suggest you take a time out and each leave your current planets, and reboot on ANOTHER planet.

Ask for the person to try to talk to you with a notepad and pen when they get mad, just a couple times for the heck of it. Generally, if two people care about the business, or each other, they will give each other THAT MUCH, and if they do not, it is time to consider finding another lover or business partner or person to live on your planet.
Fact is...they probably hate arguing and fighting as much as you do, right?

They hate conflict.

There are psychopaths who will not put a pad of paper and pen in their hands because they have no emotions... they simply do not care. Take that as a HUGE RED FLAG.

And, in a quiet moment, most people are agreeable to most things, if you persuade them to your way of thinking... by influencing them with understanding, getting and seeing them. That is what a relationship leader takes responsibility for!

For Love, Passion and Intimacy...

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written, I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving... Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely





Coach Ange Fonce

Ange is an Dynamic Personal Development Coach who works with those men and women who want to personally and powerfully develop their confidence, relationships, sexing, health and wealth!

To Speak to Ange and arrange a complimentary coaching session CLICK HERE





"Transformation happens when people fall in LOVE with a different version of themselves and their future!"

Relationship Development Coaching is a powerful alternative to therapy!

Join us today and become one of The Tribe and if you want to share with a friend a writing please go ahead and let them know they can receive their own writings via e mail by directly joining The Tribe. I am sure they will appreciate your consideration of them. As ever always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you.






 

How To Tell If Someone Likes And Trusts You By Ange Fonce

April 2, 2019



How To Tell If Someone Likes And Trusts You

By Ange Fonce

Is it a certain word they say?

Is it a specific question you ask them?

This is one of the most common questions I get when doing coaching calls.

I have my list of things that let me know that the conversation is going well

When it comes to knowing whether or not someone likes and trusts you, people will not outright tell you that they like you and they will, however, unconsciously communicate it through their non-verbal body movements and t...

Continue reading...
 



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"Getting-each-other-ness"


Gender Education and Sexual Awareness is about improving  "Intimate and loving relationships" as one very powerful way to cultivate "getting-each-other-ness"


I am committed to the possibility of men and women really "getting" each other... I do not go with the view that you need to hide any aspect of yourself... your truth and who you really are in the world. 


When you cultivate the courage to really BE yourself and say what you mean... to your friends... your family... your boss and your lover you become incredibly POWERFUL in your life. 


The secret sauce is being ready and willing to accept others regardless if they agree with your perspective on what is  right or wrong. 


I have seen over and over again that this is the master key to...


Great sexual relationships .... deep love... commitment and trust... general happiness and contentment with life and being the SUCCESS you want to be!


Because intimacy depends upon you sharing exactly who you are - which means sharing exactly how you feel no matter how ugly you think those feelings to be... it all starts with being Truthful and Authentic  as YOU.


It is beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind, the essence of you... someone who takes the time to undress and appreciate your conscience and make love with your thoughts... someone that wants to help you slowly take down the walls you have built up around your heart and let them inside to share "intimacy" with you and you alone. 


To love all your vulnerabilities in embracing you... that is "Intimate Communion". ~ Ange Fonce




MASCULINE PENETRATION


FEMININE RECEPTIVITY 


In Intimate Communion


"Spirituality is a Divine Gift... Sexuality is a Divine Gift... They may together be called... Intimate Communion.


The Art of Loving maybe the ultimate gift... to connect the Mind... and Body... the absolute in non-denial." ~ Ange Fonce


People who regularly experience pleasure tend to be more happy... and are almost certainly a lot nicer to be around... sex is one of the healthiest... and most beautiful ways to experience pleasure.


A committed long-term relationship legitimises sex... and offers the needed safety... and security to help you open to the many delights of sexual pleasure.


Sacred sexuality practices such as Tantric and Taoist sex offer the further possibility of elevating your relationship to become a spiritual practice,.. thus reuniting sex and spirit.


In this way it is possible to set your self free by celebrating your body rather than denying it.





 ARE WOMEN SEXUAL CREATURES?


"Women are Highly Sexual creatures...  women crave really good SEX and for many women... really good sex is rare to find.


Sometimes they have it... and do not realize how rare it is until later... once a woman has experienced it with a Masculine Lover nothing else will do... she will always crave it... period. 


Woman make the investment to make Sex better and they are frustrated when their man is not willing to do the same... giving a woman an orgasm is not the "goal"... it is the very  minimum requirement... it is the BEGINNING!" ~ Ange Fonce



 THE CORRECT MOTIVATION AND INTENT!


Do not think about getting sex... instead think about giving really GOOD Sex! 


There is certainly opportunity there... that is the correct intent and motivation  to bring out the decadent... primal... carnal... insatiable... hungry... ruthlessly... expressive... natural sexual being in you... that drive will do the rest!






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