Intimate Communion Magazine Social Courting
Relationship And Sex Questions
By Ange Fonce
And welcome to this edition of The Intimate Communion Magazine Readers Questions?
It has been a while since I put together and published your questions you ask me... in fact is was September 2016!
And I have a whole stack of your questions that I have answered since that time and I thought it is about time I put together an issue of Readers Questions and my replies and share them with you.
Plus as I have been investing a lot of my time in creating and writing a new system modules for Dynamic Life Development Systems Personal Development Academy.
The DYNAMICS Of Courting... Sexing... Relationship and Intimacy which will be going live later in the year.
So let us move on where I answer questions from you about love... sexing and relationships... that both men and women sent to me via e mail and my Facebook page.
In this issue of your questions... the subjects I reply to are...
"How to know if he is THE ONE?"
"I KNOW my best friends partner is cheating!"
"What to say if he shows you his cucumber?"
"A Romance Horror story."
So lets get right on with the Questions...
QUESTION... Maya asks...
"How Can I tell if he is the one?
I met a man who I really like. I love spending time with him. I think I might love him. But I'm not sure if he's THE ONE.
What do I do?"
Thank you for your e mail and your question...
Before I answer your question let me share with you a little story...
I not to long ago spent the weekend out in the woods at a wedding of two good friends of mine... actually I have known the woman longer and let me call her Ellen and when the man let me call him Jim first showed up I was kind of distant and cold to him.
See I had seen Ellen go through man after man like they were going out of fashion as Ellen is head strong... organized... loves to travel and takes no crap from anyone and I have seen her chew through men like a tiger through steak for years as man after man would show up and they would meet up and court for a week or a month and then she would toss him aside saying...
"Nope not quite right."
While picking the bits of freshy chewed up man from her teeth and I was not sure Ellen would ever find what she was looking for.
And then she met Jim.
When I first met Jim I was kind of hard on him... I joked about not wanting to learn his name until he had been around for at least a couple of months yet Jim and Ellen just molded together like clay.
They loved hanging out together.
They liked doing the same things.
He had no trouble putting up with her crazy manic drive and need to organize everything.
And they both wanted the same things.
Note this is one of the things I often write about that is crucual for building a great relationship...
Shared goals in life.
And they ended up getting married and been together ever since and to be honest... they compliment each other even though from the outside they appear total opposites!
Now back to your question.
1... There is no the one and personally I find the whole concept of the one... soul mates and twin flames as a stupid and kind of noxious and ridiculous and dangerous.
There are over 3 Billion men on this planet and the idea that there is only ONE person on this whole planet who you could be happy with is CRAZY and incredibly depressing... because there is many THOUSANDS of men out there who if you met in the right situation you could be REALLY happy with and there is thousands of others who would grate on you like fingernails on a chalk board.
2... Spending all your time worrying about whether a man is the one is a great way to let life pass you by and to push good men away and give bad men a chance to use you and abuse you to end up old and bitter and alone.
So let us get to the REAL question you are asking me...
Is this a man I should invest in?
Is this a man I should commit to?
Is this a man I should think of as a long term partner who I will love and adore and fight with and go crazy with and grow old with?
And of course I do not know because I do not know you and I do not know the man.
Yet here is a couple quick guidelines...
1... Do you LIKE the man.
Yes I know there is the chemistry... your heart bursts like a watermelon when you are near him yet do you actually LIKE him?
When it comes to a long term relationship love is not enough... you need to actually LIKE him too and is he your BEST FRIEND?
2... Do you RESPECT the man?
Do you respect who he is as a person?
Are you proud of what he has accomplished and is accomplishing in his life?
Does he have integrity?
3... Do you have FUN together?
If you are fighting all the time now... you are going to be fighting all the time later too.
My parents fell into this trap.
4... Do you want the same things in your life?
What makes Jim and Ellen work so well together is they want EXACTLY the same things.
Travel... Photography... Kids.
Do they agree 100% on the BIG stuff.
Now this is a WAY bigger topic than I can really cover here yet it is a place to start.
Let go of the one and find someone who loves you for you... who smiles when they see you walk into a room... who makes you feel wonderful when he has you in his arms... who pushes you to be the best you can be... who laughs at your flaws and celebrates your strengths and who wants the same future you do.
QUESTION 2... Sara asks...
"Ange, I have two questions that are a result of current events in my life.
1: Why do women continue to stay married to men who are chronic players/cheaters?
2: Should I tell my friend that her chronic players/cheater has done it again?"
Thank you for you e mail and your question.
Great question Sara and one I can answer simply.
In answer to question 1.
Low personal esteem... fear of not being able to make it on her own... being a love victim who thinks loving someone means letting them destroy you... money... kids.
Not wanting to be a failure.
Religious beliefs that say you stay with someone no matter what... maybe he is a great father and a really good dad... a million reasons under the sun.
In answer to question 2.
Here is a really easy way to figure that one out...
If your situation were reversed would you want your friend to tell you?
For all you know she already knows all about it and it is really not your job to police their relationship.
And if you think the wool is being pulled over her eyes... sit her down and tell her some upsetting news and realize that it may well blow up in your face.
It is something you yourself will have to figure out Sara.
QUESTION... Stefanie and THOUSANDS of other women ask...
"Dear Ange, please help!
I've been doing online dating lately trying to find some nice guys to go out with. I'm no prude or anything (I love sex with the right guy) but it seems like every time I meet a guy online he almost IMMEDIATELY sends me a picture of his cucumber. What the hell?
Why do guys do that?
What kind of reaction are they expecting?
Hasn't anybody SOCIALIZED these guys. Aren't there any guys out there who are actually interested in dating and meeting a nice girl or are they just looking to hook up?"
Thank you for contacting me and your question and giving me the opportunity to talk about a serious problem afflicting dating sites and cell phones throughout the world.
I am talking of course about the Dick Pic epidemic.
And yes Stef I have had this one a couple of years back as writing my reply to you has reminded me that even I have had this one myself from men who for some strange reason thought I was a woman or gay... crazy stuff!
Across America... Europe... Asia and across the whole world millions of men are sending millions of dick pics to millions and millions of women and even men!?
And it has got to stop as Dick Picitis is a serious problem.
So let us quickly cover WHY many men feel the need to show you their junk like a prized buck they killed in the wild and EXACTLY how you as a woman who is trying to meet a nice man and get to know him BEFORE seeing his trouser snake... should handle it.
Why He Wants To Show You His Cucumber?
I will share with you a psychological concept called Projective Empathy.
The short version of Projective Empathy is that we as humans have a tendency to assume that other people think the same... react the same and want the same things we do.
This means that women tend to assume that men think like women for instance...
"If I said nothing when he asked me what I was thinking about it would actually mean I was really mad and was hiding something so HE must be hiding something."
And it means men have the tendency to assume that women have the same crazy surface level libido and addiction to visual stimulation that us men do.
What is going through these mens mind is...
"If a woman I barely knew sent me a picture of her naked breasts I would be REALLY happy about it."
And then he grabs his cell phone and shoves it down his pants and hits send and what he is HOPING will happen by the way is that you will see his cucumber will have a magical and hypnotic effect on you.
That just the sight of it will unhook the rational parts of your mind and turn you into a ravenous sexing fiend.
That the image of his beautiful wonderful cucumber will become an obsession for you and that you will crawl over broken glass to see it in person and that you will WANT it and maybe even the man attached to it more than you want air... food... water... shelter or love.
He is hoping you will really like his dick and that by showing it to you he will get to skip all the courting and romancing and foreplay and get right to the sexing.
Tangentially this actually works for gay men as gay men send dick pics... chest pics and other stuff all the time and it often leads directly to a hook up.
Now this fantasy is DUMB as the vast majority of men would NEVER send a dick pic to a woman they barely knew if the damned internet did not make it so incredibly easy to be a pervert.
You asked in your question...
"Aren't there any guys out there who are actually interested in dating and meeting a nice girl or are they just looking to hook up?"
And the answer is...
Kind of and YES there are real Men out there.
With online dating in particular you are going to find a lot of men who ARE looking for a nice girl to date and get to know better and maybe even marry and have kids and buy a home with and let us be honest here they are ALSO looking to hook up if they can.
These are not mutually exclusive ideas... especially in the mind of a man and JUST because a man sends you a dick pic does not NECESSARILY mean he is a shallow perv and he MIGHT be a really nice man who is totally Boyfriend Material or he MIGHT be a total creep weirdo.
So how do you handle it when a man sends you a Dick Pic WAY too early?
Well you have got some options...
Here is a whole bunch of Dick picitis destroying responses.
Some of these are from amazing women I know...
1... "Oh it is so CUTE does it come in a larger size?"
2... Send him a picture of your elbow and when he responds say...
"I thought we were playing the body part game and I want to see the heel of your left foot next."
3... "What is that it looks like a cucumber only a lot smaller."
4... "Um wow... I do not know how to tell you this... I actually trained to be a nurse and you NEED to have that looked at right away... I am so sorry."
5... "Oh I have always wanted something to put my Barbie clothes on."
Be careful with this one as some men are really kinky!
6... "Where's the rest of the hand all I see is a pinky."
7... "Oh thank you as my last boyfriend had a big one and I just do not think I could handle that again... your small size."
8... "Here is mine!"
Send him a picture of a MUCH bigger cucumber.
Be creative in your response Stef and if the man is really a creep you can also just delete him... block him and move on with your life.
If you send one of these lines and the man actually manages to reply in a witty and interesting way he MIGHT still be worth talking to.
If he gets mad or weird or ashamed... move on.
For the men reading this...
DO NOT SEND DICK PICS TO WOMAN YOU BARELY KNOW.
No woman wants to see your cucumber unless she knows she is the one who inspired your erection and unless she is already attracted to you.
And now for the BIG question for this issue of READERS QUESTIONS and this one is special as I usually do not post questions this long and this one is pretty amazing!
QUESTION... Jennifer asks...
"Hi Ange, my name is Jennifer.
My question for you is I have been dating this guy for a while and we started with a phone relationship we live in two different states. He always talks about ex girlfriends but one more than the others.
I found out he sends cards to this one ex for all occasions even their old anniversary.
He gives her money for her son for school clothes and his b-day about $250 dollars every Sept. And still takes this ex (his first love) on vacations.
While I was dating him on the phone long distance red flags were always going up but of course I started falling in love with this guy.
So I went to finally meet up with him to come stay with him for a few weeks and when I got there as soon as I walked in the door there was a shrine of pics all over his wall unit of his ex and pics of them together through the years and photo albums of her & his trips that he has taken her on even after they even broke up.
I was outraged cuz I thought how disrespectful of him to do that to me as he knew I was coming. He tried to explain that they're JUST FRIENDS and I've got nothing to worry about. When I went into his house he even had a box with her name on it with all the stuff she has given him over the years it was right out where I could see it.
I put it in the back of my mind and spent the rest of the two weeks with him and everything was good and that we wanted to move into together.
So I pack up and moved in with him.
In the mean time I found out that he has saved every email she has wrote him in a personal file with her name on it on his computer. Also found out he left his house to her also and not his family.
BTW is now the house I live in with him.
He continued to text and write her while we were together saying you'll see she's JUST a FRIEND.
It made me real unsure about us. And I didn't understand how he could do that to me?
So I left him for a couple of months but he made me all kinds of promises that he would wipe this person away from our lives. So I went back to him and I still didn't feel safe with him holding my heart.
So much resentment built up with me and how he could be so careless I thought with my heart. So we fought a lot about those issues other wise the rest of our life was great!
But I still didn't feel he was my soft place to fall. A lot of Jealousy I have now...because of him.
Which I have never been a jealous person really before him.
Ok here is my question I have left him again and he is making promise to me that it will be different. I love him so much and only think of just him but I don't know if I should go back to him?
My heart telling me yes, jump! and my head is telling me I don't know if that will be a good thing to do for myself...cuz he's got me so emotional messed up?
And can I trust him with my heart when he has been so careless with it.
What do you think I should do?
Yours very confused"
Thank you for writing to me.
Wow I get some long e mails sometimes and your e mail reads like some kind of romantic horror movie script or something.
The moment you walk into the house and see the SHRINE to his exgirlfriend... lots of shrieking violins and him standing there blubbering excited to show you his home and mumbling...
"Oh she is just a friend."
Okay joking aside the message is simple...
1... Get the hell out.
2... Get the hell out.
3... Get the hell out.
Listen to your head here as the emotions of your heart is not always your best guide.
Sometimes we let ourselves be victims of love and the fantasy of romance when we should be focusing on the evidence what is right in front of your face.
I spend a lot of time telling women to chill out because they are making mountains out of mole hills.
"Ange! I FOUND A PICTURE OF MY EX WITH HIS EX GIRLFRIEND AT DISNEYLAND 7 YEARS AGO! HE HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER! HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!"
Yet in this case you are making a mole hill out of the freaking Death Star... the film PSYCHO just happens to spring into my mind at this moment.
You do not need to be shown red flags he is THE RED FLAG!
Of COURSE you do not trust him.
Of COURSE you feel jealous.
Of COURSE you feel disrespected.
Because he is in love with his ex and may have some emotional problems beyond that and you are always going to come after her in his mind and his heart.
Love can make you blind very BLIND... so open your eyes to the evidence staring you right in the face.
One thing I do want to point out is the victim language in your email...
"He is making me this."
Nobody can make you do anything... even if they are pointing a gun at your head you still have a choice!
They do what they do and you react how you react and this is what you are doing... reacting instead of making a choice and responding.
Yes this guy is acting badly no doubt yet you can choose how you respond to it.
Keep your self respect and do not give him the power to make you miserable... even have empathy for him as he is obviously messed up over this woman and you are not there to pick up the pieces of his heart.
I am going to say this loud and clear Jennifer... DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!
You go back to him you are going to end up in a very messed up place as this man needs some serious Therapy.
You have my answer Jennifer... DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!
That is it for this edition.
Your Questions And Inquiries...
If you would like to send me an e mail about a problem you are experiencing that I can answer... it will enable me to write a helpful response much more quickly if you keep it to a simple format... as you can imagine I am a busy Man... so here are the guidelines...
1... Your question must be no more than 3... 4 paragraphs please.
2... Get as specific as you can and to the point as the details help me really get a feel for your unique situation.
3... You will not abuse my trust in you as I will not abuse your trust in me.
4... You will not send customer support emails and spam to my contact email... if you do that you will not get a response and I will probably have to stop being so open with my time and providing a FREE advice service.
Seriously I want to help you and to do that I need you to respect my time as much as I respect yours and allow 2... 4 days for me to get back to you.
Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?
I would love to hear from you.
Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving... Prosperous and Dynamic day!
Dynamic Lifer... The Tribe of Dynamic Lifers
1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.
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3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist... Sexologist and Multipreneur... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life... relationships and wealth!
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Posted by ANGE FONCE. Posted In : DATING, RELATIONSHIP & SEX Questions