Are you AWARE how your SEXUAL beliefs and conditioning maybe a MAJOR block to your HAPPINESS, LOVE and INTIMACY
Posted by ANGE FONCE on Saturday, May 25, 2013 Under: DYNAMIC SEX THERAPY For Men & Women
Are you AWARE how your SEXUAL beliefs and conditioning maybe a MAJOR block to your HAPPINESS, LOVE and INTIMACY?
“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.” ~ Ange Fonce
The first thing you need to do, as practitioner of sex, is to bring your sexual beliefs into your awareness.
This is how you make them part of your sexual world.
You need to see your own expectations and beliefs in this area because they may be hidden or not what you think they are.
For example, you may have been raised in a family where sex was rarely talked about or where there was little physical affection.
Yet sexual freedom might have been very much the norm on television, in the movies, and among your friends.
Although you may speak the words of sexual freedom, and even act with apparent freedom, underneath it all you may still experience sex in terms of guilt and shame, or perhaps from a slightly prudish point of view.
Suppressing desire, one of the main efforts of our religious and cultural morality, is not the answer.
Trying to suppress desire rarely works.
Suppressing desire usually gives it even more power.
Renouncing the your desire as “bad” may result in temporary disengagement, but in the end it usually just makes your desire the attachment of your forbidden desires all the stronger.
There are no formulas for dealing with the issues around sex.
In addition to the fact that you rarely attempt to look at these issues in an aware open practice, each sexual encounter and situation has its own layers of complexity.
For example, suppose your lover is feeling very strong physical desire for you, yet senses a definite lack of mutual interest in return from you.
Your lover is now caught between the strong urge to satisfy an intense physical and emotional desire and the protective urge to withdraw in order to avoid being hurt by your rejection.
Which reduces the flow of "loving intimacy" in your relationship (the reverse is also true when you are rejected by your lover).
What is the practice of Loving Intimacy?Again, there is no formula.
The crucial thing is to bring awareness to what’s actually going on between you are your lover.
The crucial thing is to bring awareness to what’s actually going on between you are your lover.
Once the inner conflict is clearly seen, between yourself and your beliefs, you can look more deeply into yourself.
Do you really believe that you have to fulfill their desire, just because they feel it?
For many of us, this is a blind spot that causes a great deal of unnecessary suffering.
Further, are you willing to look at your hurt, at the real or imagined “rejection” from your partner?
What "feelings" are you living from?
Do you believe that your partner should always share and respond to your sexual interest?
Seeing your beliefs clearly will allow you to experience the hurt directly for what it is: a protective response to defend the fragile image of your “self.”
Whenever you feel angry or hurt, you can be fairly certain you are in this protective mode from rejection.
You can also be sure that you are trying to avoid feeling your core fears, whether they are based on a belief that you are not good enough or worthy of love - whatever your particular flavour is.
Your core beliefs need to be seen for what they are:
Deeply held assumptions about reality that your particular life circumstances have conditioned you to accept as absolute truth.
Once you see this, which is no easy matter, you can enter into the physical experience of hurt itself, allowing yourself to reside in the sensory world without wallowing in believed thoughts and self pity.
- What does your hurt actually feel like?
- What is its texture?
- Where do you feel it in the body?
Without thinking or analyzing, but through experiencing the moment itself, can you answer the question:
“What is this, why do I feel this way?”
Experiential awareness heals. It may take years of work and many failures, but what other choice do you have if you struggle on without help?
The sexual issue always comes back, at least in part, to the basic practice of coming to know yourself and learning the willingness to be with whatever life presents.
Again, practising with so-called sexual problems often has little to do with sex itself, but instead with the overall patterns you have brought into the relationship.
Often your impulses are the product of your mind rather than the natural arising of sexual energy.
Often your impulses are the product of your mind rather than the natural arising of sexual energy.
Just look at your fantasies, your attraction to the forbidden, or the pernicious judging and evaluating of sexual performance.
How often do you experience or appreciate sexuality apart from the filters of your thoughts, conditioning and experiences?
The main questions you need to raise are:
- To what extent are you aware of your particular conditioning and mechanical behaviour?
- How, if at all, does cultural morality influence and regulate your sexual life?
- In what ways are you driven by thoughts, fears, and core beliefs?
Furthermore, you need to explore how your emotional reactions around sex are tainted with self-judgement.
This practice stance has nothing to do with moralistic notions of right and wrong, good and bad.
Even with the sticky issue of monogamy,
I am not suggesting there is a right or a wrong position, and certainly not that I know what’s best.
All I am saying is that most judgement - both of self and others - arises as a result of unexamined, deeply conditioned beliefs.
Just consider this belief about "Honour Killings" where a Woman's "Honour" is placed in her Sex organs....
"Among all the mentioned reasons of killing the strongest reason is having sex before marriage. Whether it was with the man that she loves, or the man that she doesn’t, whether it was with the name of love or she made it for fun, she must be killed. As we can see in this case that the main symbol of honour is the virginity which is symbolized by the existence of hymen.
As long as the hymen exist, means she’s still a virgin, so she still a symbol of honor. When that hymen breaks that mean she’s not virgin anymore so not a symbol of honor anymore so she must be killed to regain that honor. In the mentioned procedure the women goes under all kinds of tests and experiments among many doctors to check her virginity correctly.
The first question is why would the honor be placed in the body instead of soul (knowing that the soul is the immortal part and the part that will pay for its action?")
The second question is that if they insist to place the honor in the body, why it is specifically placed in the vagina, why not in the hand or the head for example?
The third question is that if they do still insist to place the honor in the sex organs why it is only placed in the women’s organ (the vagina), what about the man, why it wasn’t placed in his sex organs too?
If the honour have to take place in the body (which is a thing that I totally disagree with), then it must takes place in all bodies (males and females) equally, and every one must take the responsibility not only the women?"
In this article written by Sammoura Al Hourany, she explores and questions why is it that a woman has to bare all the burden of sexual honour!
I highly recommend you read her full article....Why Arab Women Hate Their Virginity? Published in "THE DYNAMIC EXPRESS".
Can you look at your relationships clearly, devoid of your conditioned beliefs?
The reason you do this is not to create a new “should”, but rather to see clearly what you are doing with our life.
Having had my own struggles and confusions with this subject over the years, I know it’s hard to bring it out from the shadowy world of conditioned beliefs and relentless self-judgement.
But I also know that with a combination of perseverance and self kindness, it too is workable.
There’s no point in continuing to do battle with yourself, because there’s no enemy within.
Striving to perfect yourself by making yourself more moral, with all of the implied self-judgement, is not the issue.
The motivation is not to change yourself or others, but to aspire to a deepened awareness and a more genuine way of living and loving sexually.
As long as you are having a war between one part of yourself and another part of your self, your desires v your beliefs.
Both parts lose.
Both parts lose.
Until you bring this subject into your practice of self loving, looking with honesty and precision at what you do, how you think, and what you believe, you will continue to hurt yourself and others.
- Can you see how you hurt yourself by holding on to your pictures of what sex is “supposed” to be?
- Can you see how you hurt others with these pictures, expectations, and demands?
- Can you see how your beliefs, and the reactions that come from them, get in the way of real intimacy for you?
When issues arise around sex, it makes all the difference if you can accept that these issues are part of your path of learning and intimate "emotional" awareness.
They are not obstacles on your path, but the path itself of learning about yourself and self awareness.
Until you understand this point, sex will continue to have its way with you, either overtly in your behaviour, or covertly in all of its disguised but potentially destructive forms.
The power of your sexual energy cannot be denied.
But this energy is in itself neither good nor bad.
As in everything, so called heaven and hell are both right here, right now.
The difference between experiencing your sexuality as heaven or as hell is rooted in one thing only.
That is the clarity of your own awareness.
Are you ready for the next step to grow and develop you and your own sexual awareness?
And as ever...Always leave a man or a woman all the better for knowing you. Average men and women know only the rules. Masculine Men and Feminine Women know and are the EXCEPTIONS!
For Love and Intimacy...
Ange Fonce
What are Your thoughts and ideas?
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